Late Night Christmas Wishes

If you've read my blog at all over the past year or so, you'll know that I am a fan of Late Night talk shows and specifically The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. Here's a little diddy from The Tonight Show I feel I needed to share. I want to dedication this song to Utah-- I know we are at odds right now (20 day & counting sans-The Road), but it is not beneath me to wish you a Merry Christmas!



The clip is a little long (3 mins, something) and you'll have to wait through a cell phone commercial or something like that before the clip even runs-- I'm not doing a very good job of selling this clip. Just watch it!

Thanksgiving & Halloween Recap

I'm sure there must be at least one person out there that has been wringing their hands with anxious excitement for me to re-visit the world of blogging and finally post something, right? No? Well I'm still going to post something anyways.

So I've been in this big fight lately with Utah. She's is being absolutely ridiculous! Seriously I would slap her in the mouth if I could (probably lick my hand first too so it would sting more). Of course like any great feud, it start over the holidays. Now I'm not a "Holiday Guy" per-say, but I was actually looking forward to this Thanksgiving because the film "The Road" based on the Cormac McCarthy novel (same guy who wrote No Country For Old Men) was being released nationally on the 27th. Well it turns out that Utah has removed herself from these here United States of America and she chose not to pick up on the "National" release of the film, but instead she's decided to renew the putrid drivel of Stephenie Meyers (Utah's own) in every damn theater so that every swooning teenage girl in the state can at least for 130 minutes keep from cutting themselves. SERIOUSLY!!!! I'm mad as hell and am about this close to buying one of those pneumatic cattle guns and going postal. You are being completely unreasonable Utah! It has been nearly 2 weeks that the rest of the country has been able to enjoy Viggo Mortensen's dashing good looks once again on the big screen. How can you deprive us any longer? I am living in a third world country in the middle of the American mid-west!!! If anyone knows where I can see this movie in Utah or where I can send a similarly strong-worded letter, please let me know.

So obviously Thanksgiving was totally ruined. Halloween; however was just as good as ever. This year I was pretty busy so I didn't have a ton of time to make/create an elaborate costume so I bought one (well most of one) online. I was Jack Skellington from Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas. Here's the final product. Obviously buying a "one size fits all" costume online requires a great deal of alterations in order to look any good-- for that I must thank my very talented wife, who not only tailored the jacket to my slender frame but made those gloves with the exceptionally long fingers. I added the Santa hat just to make it a little more unique. I was quite please and manage to win a cool $250 at our office Halloween costume contest. Not too shabby!
However my favorite costume of the year goes to my very own offspring young Jefferson Delmar Templeman who boldly chose the obscure comic book hero Astro Boy. Originally the plan was to go topless (as seen above), but it was a little too chilly. Again boots and belt courtesy of Mom. I made the arm cannons. I didn't think he would be willing to commit to the hair coloring and make-up, but he did a great job and was in character most of the day.

Well I think I've written enough for today. I don't want to overload you on my first day back.

You've Got a Friend in Me

This is getting ridiculous-- according to Facebook I have over 400 friends. Come on, everyone knows that is a gross exaggeration of the truth. I can rarely find one friend to go golfing with, or watch the game with on the weekend. And now every time I look at that "421 Friends" on Facebook it just makes me feel like even more of a loser because essentially what it means is, "you have 421 Friends and none of them want to hang out with you". I'm sure it is a two way street, in fact I'm willing to come right out and admit it-- I'm not very good at being friends.

I'm a fantastic acquaintance, but a friend only so-so. I think it just comes down to laziness. I'm not necessarily lazy just more relaxed, chill, low stress. Maintaining a friendship is none of those things, and so I don't do it well. Being someones friend requires time and energy from both parties. The real problem is the people I would want to be good friends with are just as or lazier than me, thus making the required effort from each party that much more unlikely.

So I'm doomed to be a loner-- that's fine, but I think my Facebook profile should reflect that. In the beginning it was like popularity contest for the unpopular (myself included) to collect as many friends as possible, but now I feel like an impostor-- like I've gotten an invite to the high rollers table but can't afford the valet parking. So there's my dilemma-- I've got 421 "Friends" how do I go about tactfully reducing that number? Even asking that question can open a can of worms. Just because I want to reduce my Friends list doesn't mean I want to get rid of you (assume you're on my Friend list). See I don't want to lose friends that are really my friends (or acquaintances that I'm holding out hope will one day really be my friends)-- like, "Oh he didn't want to be my friend, then I don't want to be his friend either". That may not be the case, though I'm not going to lie, there are people on my Friends list that that I just don't want to be friends with, but that said I don't want them to be enemies either-- I've got plenty of those (a post for another day).

Here are some dramatization of future situations I'd like to avoid if possible:
(I'll use the generic names of Jack & Jill for these examples)

Scenario #1

ME: Jack? Jack? Is that you? Oh my goodness! I haven't seen you in forever. How have you been?

JACK: Good.

ME: What is that a wedding ring? Dude you got married!

JACK: Yeah I did.

ME: When?

JACK: Two months ago. We got married on a cruise.

ME: Oh that sounds awesome. Wish I could have come.

JACK: I invited everyone of my friends on Facebook.

ME: (awkward) Oh really? I must not have seen it. I'm terrible at keeping up to date on those event requests things.

JACK: Yeah I figured as much, which is why I went into my friends list to find you to personally send you an invite to the wedding. Turns out though, you weren't in my friends list. Which was strange because I remember adding you on November 23rd when the Colts played the Chargers-- you said you were going to be at that game.

ME: That's weird. [lie] Probably just a glitch or something.

JACK: Yeah see that's what I thought too, so I contacted my friend Peter Piper, you know him right? He was on your Facebook friends list at one point. Well he works as a Facebook administrator and he told me that according to the records that you willfully removed he and I from your friends list on Aug 11th 2009 along with 171 others.

ME: (gulp)

JACK: Yeah. Peter turned around and created a Facebook group called 'Ryan is a Giant Dillweed'. Guess how many member we have?

ME: (shrug)

JACK: 171. You're a real doucebag Ryan. You think you're too good to be my friend?

ME: No I don't, really.

JACK: Yeah, cause I'm too good to be your friend, you get it?

ME: I do. It's true. But for the record you know, we hadn't ever talked or chat on Facebook or had any other communication otherwise for that matter in like 12 years.

JACK: I sent you an invitation to my 21st birthday party.

ME: I moved.

JACK: You're full of excuses. I thought you were my friend. I gave you lunch money in tenth grade and you said you'd pay me back-- and I said, "don't worry about it your my friend". (sniffle) Do you remember that? Do you?!

ME: Yeah... vaguely.

JACK: I want it back.

ME: What?

JACK: The money. I want it back-- with interest.

ME: Interest?

JACK: Yes. Compounded annually at 12.5%.

ME: Will you take a check?


Scenario #2

ME: Excuse me? You look very familiar to me. Is your name Jill? Did you go to Folkstone elementary school.

JILL: [punches Ryan in the nuts] That's for removing me from your Facebook friends list you A--hole. I told all my friends that I knew this guy who was in the High School Musical movie and when they called me on it the only way I could prove it to them was to show you were my friend on Facebook, but when I went to show them you weren't anymore. All my friends laughed at me for claiming to know the most obscure actor (and worst dancer) in that whole movie. Thanks to you I started cutting again and became bulimic. You ruined my life. I hate you!

ME: (gasping) I need a doctor.

JILL: You need to shut up is what you need. Thankfully Peter sent me and invite to his 'Ryan is a Giant Dillweed' site and I made a ton of new friends all based on our common hatred of you. I can't wait to get on there and post that I got to punch you in the nuts in person-- I'm going to be so popular.

ME: (still pained) I just want you to be happy.

JILL: And I want nothing but your misery, you scumbag. Peace out loser!


Does anyone have any suggestions or success stories on 'How to lose friends on Facebook'?-- I'm thinking that would be a good name for my autobiography.

P.S. -- Should you feel that you may be one of the proverbial 171, feel free to campaign for my continued friendship. People at the greatest risk are: 1. Co-workers I don't really like but added out of a false sense of obligation, 2. Kids who used to beat me up in Junior High, and 3. People I don't recognize at all from my past or current life.

40 is the new 30... and 50 is the new dead

I don't really follow any real celebrity personalities. I really just don't care about who their dating, or 'wearing', or if they like to play bongos in the buff-- (who doesn't really). However, the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and... believe it or not Billy Mays actually made me a little sad. Not tears or depression-- nothing that would cause me to travel to the Walk of Fame on a commemorative pilgrimage. Without disrespect, I compare it to washing your pants and realizing there was a twenty dollar bill in the pocket-- an "ah crap, I just ruined a twenty" moment. Not a huge deal, but you start thinking about what you could have done with that twenty and you're a little sad. That was me.

In honor of Michael Jackson's life (not death) I wore a sparkly glove from June 25 until the end of the month and listened to nothing but Michael Jackson (or Jackson 5) on my iPod. I think it was very difficult not to have an opinion on Michael Jackson-- mine was that he really was Peter Pan, a boy that never grow up. The death of an icon is an event. People can tell you where they were when they heard that other musical legends Elvis Presley and John Lennon had died. Jackson revolutionized the music (and dance) world and I for one will miss him.

The King is dead.

Now this one surprised me. Billy Mays. I watch the Discovery Channel show Pitchmen devotedly, not because I was a fan of any of the characters, but more so for the inventions and tools coming to market-- the journey grabbed my attention and I was hooked. It was only in a recent memorial tribute to Billy Mays where he was described as "a big burly, bear-of-a-man with a kind and soft heart" that I realize why his passing moreso than that of any other famous personality affected me. My father who shared those same qualities also passed at the age of 50 from severe heart failure.

They shared other common attributes as well.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE... oh wait, nevermind. Sadly that is all there was.

You'll be missed!

Summer Recap

I've been busy, thus I've not posted in awhile.

For a visual recap of my life over the past month or so click here.

A Shameless Plug for Anticitrade

So my last post was a little bit of a promo piece for a movie I was in, and just to show that I'm not an ego-maniacle, attention whore I will promote something that has nothing to do with me.

Awhile back a few friends of mine got involved in a small online based company called Anticitrade. I had been milling around the idea of investing in the stock market. It seemed to me that this is the right time to start. Either the market will go back up and I'll make some good money or it will continue to go down, currency will become meaningless, and we'll all beginning trading in ammunition and firearms. And really when I think about it-- playing in the stock market is like playing fantasy football, except you're not totally waiting your time.

So getting into the Stock Market is all fine and dandy, but where do you start. There are thousands upon thousands of publically traded companies. Do you just guess? Turns out most investors do-- they just guess. That seems crazy to me. No wonder most people can't tolerate the risks associated with the Stock Market. There is just no way to really "know" how the market will react. If only there was a way to minimize this risk, sift through the mounts of companies, and anticipate the market: Enter Anticitrade.

See a smart investor will wad through a number of stocks in a cetain sector or industry they believe will go up (i.e. Summer time is approaching, more people are driving, more gas & oil consumption; therefore those industry stock should go up.). They'll research a number of these companies, look at their quarterly reports, compare them, and only if these fundamentals are strong will they invest their money. Completing this kind of comprehensive ratio and financial analysis is both time consuming and beyond the capability of the average investor and certainly well beyond my capability. Anticitrade essentially does this work for you. Using publicly available information, Anticitrade does a full analysis of a stock; comprehensive research into a company's financial statements, competitive position, ratio analysis, and macroeconomic changes... and the cream rises to the top (in a simply easy to understand spreadsheet).

Now I'm not saying this should replace your own research, but it is certainly a great place to start. Think of it like looking for the most delicious apple in a bushel basket as opposed to on the ground of the orchard. Almost all those apple's in the basket are gonna taste pretty good (who knows what you're going to find on the ground), thus reducing your risk of getting worms.

I've been doing the beta testing for this site since March and I've been easily beating the market averages for the past 6 weeks. I'm making my money work me and I'm seeing great returns.

If you're interested check them out anticitrade.com.

I think this guy and the guy from the "Talking Politics" entry should be best friends.

What do you think?

Another Late Night

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy: Alright, we'll okay that's weird.

[he snickers for just a little too long]

Jimmy: K. My next guest has a small bit part in the recently released S. Darko-- which was recently released, April 28th. Please welcome to the show Ryan Templeman.

[the band plays really loud to mask the fact that no one in the audience is clapping]

[Ryan and Jimmy shake hands. Jimmy leans in awkwardly thinking I may be a "hand shake hug". It is not. Ryan takes a seat on the couch.]

Jimmy: Welcome to the show.

Ryan: Thanks. This is a really nice couch.

Jimmy: That couch is from R.C. Willey-- as is all of our wonderful furniture here. R.C. Willey has the best couches, chairs, desks, pretty much anything and everything money can buy-- and I think Page Davis is hot! Am I right?

Ryan: About Page Davis or the furniture?

Jimmy: [he snickers] Wow. So I have here that you're from Canada, but I noticed that you said couch and not chesterfield. What's the deal?

Ryan: Oh yeah well if it is any consolation I wore my tuque to the studio.

Jimmy: I was going to say your hair looks kind of matted.

Ryan: Thanks. Maybe you could spare one of those half dozen hairstylist I saw back stage.

Jimmy: We'll see what we can do during a commercial break. Okay so let talk about the movie. S. Darko is a sequel to the quite successful independent film from a few years back, Donnie Darko--right? With Jake Gyllenhall before he went all "Brokeback". [He laughs almost uncontrollably] Okay, okay, okay-- So tell em about your character?

Ryan: Um well I play a character named Mike and he's a small town kid with no direction or aspirations. You know he's that pot head degenerate that spent 7 years on the same spot of the couch.

Jimmy: So we spend 2 hours watching you sit on a couch.

Ryan: Gosh I wish I had that kind of face time. No, but there is a scene where I am on a couch-- or rather chesterfield.

Jimmy: So do you have a clip for us?

Ryan: If I do, I've never seen it.

Jimmy: So I shouldn't have you set this up for us.

Ryan: Yeah-- you can just run it.

Jimmy: Okay, let's run it.



Jimmy: Are you sure you're in this movie? I didn't see you.

Ryan: I didn't see me either. Maybe I'm not in it. I guess it is wholly possible I was completely cut out.

Jimmy: What are you doing on my show? You're a nobody.

Ryan: I know but it's not like I crashed your set here or anything, I got an invite and my name is on that door back there; granted it is written on piece of paper and stuck there with some Ticky Tac-- but it's there. You know this whole time I've been sitting here I'm thinking "Wow these guys are really desperate for interviews".

Jimmy: We are not desperate for interviews. We've got stars-- real stars lining up to get on this show. Ray Liotta was on here the other night.

Ryan: Oh I really liked him in Narc.

Jimmy: This is ridiculous. Nobody go and see this movie!

Ryan: That's not cool man. The soundtrack is supposed to be killer.

Jimmy: If you even see this movie in a Blockbuster or whatever turn it around or hide it behind a copy of Love Guru.

Ryan: Do you have something against Canadians?

Jimmy: Are you going to leave or do I have to call security.

Ryan: No I'll leave of my own volition but for the record I would have rather been on Conan, Leno, probably even Letterman cause well... your show of sucks.

Jimmy: Screw you. Security!

[Security rushes out and grabs Ryan by the arms and escorts him off stage]

Ryan: [screaming from behind the curtain] Avenge me Tina Fey! Avenge me!



_____________________________________________________________________________


Wasn't that fun?!
For the record none of that ever happened.
However I am in S. Darko (despite the trailer) which was released late last month.
I don't know if it's any good 'cause I haven't seen it-- so I'd feel weird about endorsing it, but if you want to see me in a movie, you could try that one. Good Luck!

Traditions of Our Fathers

In keeping with tradition...

Happy Cinco de Mustache from my family to yours!!

Pee, Poop, and Toot-- The Comedy Styllings of a 4 Year Old

Why is it that the mention of any bodily function and/or fluid so funny to a 4 year old? Just now using the words "bodily function and fluid" made me a little sick to my stomach. So why is it that the proper verbiage invokes queasiness and the more childish; Pee, Poop, and Toot create hours of laughter for those of us who are immature enough. I guess that's not really the point of this post-- but if you've got any ideas let me know.

Here are some of Jefferson's cleaner jokes. Enjoy!

Joke 1
J: How does a horse count to 10?

Me: I don't know. How?

J: With his fingers.


Joke 2
J: Knock Knock

Me: Who's there?

J: Doctor.

Me: Doctor Who?

J: Nope. It's Doctor House. (who happens to be Jefferson television nemesis)


Joke 3
J: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: I don't know. Why?

J: Maybe there was something over there he wanted.


Joke 4
J: How does a camel count to 25?

Me: How?

J: Sitting down.


Joke 5
J: Knock Knock

Me: Who's there?

J: Wolverine

Me: Wolverine who?

J: You know! Wolverine from X-Men.



Spontaneous Thought: If I ever decide to write a kid's show it will be called Professor Peepoop n ' Toot-- like Yo Gabba Gabba, but with Professor Peepoop n ' Toot instead of D.J. Lance and the little characters will be large plush representations of various bacterias, viruses, and chemicals Professor Peepoop n ' Toot has been experimenting with. One will undoubtedly be Methane. Hours of fun!

Happy Birthday to...

I think you would be surprised at how many wonderfully talented, quirky, and even some bizarre individuals that have a March 26th birthday. A quick google search revealed many composers, poets, and playwrights. It was quiet fascinating. I'm actuality a little surprised I have never done this for my own birthday (Feb 21... don't worry, you missed it). But of all those famous writers, actors, and athletes who share a March 26th birth date, I want to wish a very Happy Birthday to my personal favorite-- Jefferson Templeman, who turned 4 today.
Jefferson is my son and one of my best freinds. He is so fun and playful and he makes me laugh all the time (sometimes out of embarasement). He is very smart, witty, and sociable-- and just as talented, quirky, and bizarre as any of the individuals on this list.
Jefferson, I am excited to see what you will do with yourself. Happy Birthday buddy! Love Dad


For your entertainment a few visual reasons why Jefferson happens to be my favorite March 26th birthday.

Martin Short is 59 today, while Jefferson poses as Dr.Octopus-- that's where my trend setting goggles went.

John Stockton, Utah Jazz legend is 48-- Jefferson sporting his Spongebob Square Pants team colors. (yeah-- that's one of those embarassing laughs)

For all you nerds (like you didn't know), Leonard Nimoy (aka Mr Spock) is 78 and holding a pet cat. Jefferson here showing off his pet Fido (an imaginary fly).

Big mouth rocker Steven Tyler from Aerosmith is 61. Jefferson making his own fashion statements.

Tennessee Williams/Jefferson Templeman-- no explanation needed.

The Sky is Fallin'

WARNING: THIS POST MAY BE A BIT OF A BUMMER FOR SOME!!

So I guess the End of the World is coming. The year 2012 from what I understand from various sources amongst my Facebook friends.

"2012 is marked by a Muslim mythical end of time 'Coming of Mehdi' - God will destroy morally bankrupt mankind and true Islam will rule. Nostradamus also predicted the end of the world around that time." -- Jyri Makela

"They Mayan Calendar also states the end of the world at 2012." -- Joel Petrie

"Check out the Colony Collapse Disorder epidemic. Bees are disappearing... Within four years of that, humanity will suffer and become extinct as well...interesting article to read! Everything seems to be leading to 2012!" -- Tawnie Bowers

While certainly none of these people (that I know of) are experts on the matter, I'm sure their sources can be verified by a simple google search. In doing so myself I was able to get an exact date Yule or Winter Solstice of 2012 which is Dec. 21st-- right before Christmas :(


So I have to say I'm pretty disappointed. I mean I had some big things planned for the next 5 to 50 years and now it turns I only have 3.66 years. I've got to be honest, I don't think I can manage to do all the things I want to do in that short amount of time.

Here is a brief look at some of the things I would like to do, but likely not get around to:

1. Eat a pie... after the age 35
2. Dodge the draft for War World III
3. Be the oldest heavy weight champion of the world
4. Get a seniors discount at the movies
5. Spearhead the largest escape from a senior care facility in US history
6. Grow Old & Die



So if the world is indeed ending on Dec 21, 2012-- should I do Christmas shopping that year "just in case"?


Really what I'm looking for is some reason not to believe the world will end in 2012. If you got any, let me know.

Important Infomation for ALL Bloggers

Let's talk for a minute about the Worldwide Web-- and more specifically the exit of "Blogger Sites" on this information highway. I certainly enjoy blogging-- it is therapeutic in a way. I even enjoy reading other people's blogs (sometimes). I would imagine anyone reading this could say they find themselves in the same boat. Now I'm going to tell you something, and it may apply to you and it may not, but... I HATE THE MUSIC ON YOUR BLOG. There I said it. It's not that you have bad taste in music (though many of you do). It just doesn't mesh with my music-- literally doesn't mesh. See when I'm on my computer my iTunes is open and playing, and when I visit your blog you blast me with your Michael Bubble and what not-- and while you may feel that everyone should enjoy Mr. Bubble's music the fact is they don't especially when he tries to drown out the music they (your blogs readers) like to listen to. To help you understand what I'm talking about I've just created a little allegory. I call it the allegory of The Fearful Flea Marketeer. (I'm just making this up as I go, so bear with me).

At a flea market, the Marketeer walks the path between the booths, each displaying their own unique assortment of goods. The Marketeer is not on a quest for anything particular, simply browsing the vast selection of items at the market. Upon entering one vendors booth a yappy little dog darts out from under on of the tables and begins to bite the Marketeer. A swift kick later, the Marketeer is looking over the contents of the booth. A few booth later, the Marketeer enters a booth filled with old books only to be quickly overwhelmed by the smell of old lady perfume. The smell certainly unpleasant, doesn't detour the Marketeer from perusing the books. A few hours later, the Marketeer enters a booth filled with beautiful paintings. Upon enter the booth a pair of proselyting Jehovah's Witnesses begin spoutting their ideology for the Marketeer. The Marketeer promptly exits the booth. At the conclusion of the day the Marketeer dies and goes to the great big market in the sky, where he finds no dogs, overwhelming odors, or Jehovah's Witnesses*. The end.

I don't know-- Did that work?


*I, by no means, intent to imply that Jehovah's Witness will not be present at the great big market in the sky or any other similar post-earthy realm of existence. I'm sure there will be at least 144,000 of them there. :)

The Lawnmower Man

And the Winner is...

I'm a fan of the Academy Awards, really for no other reason than I follow movies. I don't know that I necessarily agree with 'The Academy' on what or who is nominated at times, but I certainly agree that good film-making needs to be recognized. I suppose if I followed more closely the music industry the Grammy's would be worth watching (maybe). Unlike a song or an album, the adjudication of a film just seems to fit better.


I have mixed feeling about this year. For some reason I feeling like 2008 was a disappointment in some ways in comparison to the last two years. I don't believe there is a movie (at least that I've seen) that approachs the caliber of either of the best picture winner The Departed or No Country for Old Men-- and yet that kind of exciting because it's all up in the air.


Here are my predictions for some of the catagories:



Best Picture
Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire
Should win: probably Benjamin Button, but I'm fine with a Slumdog victory.


Best Director
Will Win: David Fincher (Benjamin Button)
Should Win: David Fincher (Benjamin Button)-- I won't be surprised by Slumdog's Danny Boyle here either.



Best Actor
Will Win: Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)
Should Win: Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)-- Mickey Rourke's character in The Wrestler was more real than any other charcter I've seen in years.


Best Actress
Will Win: Kate Winslet (The Reader)
Should Win: Meryl Streep (Doubt)-- She can't win enough in my opinion. Winslet probably should have been nominated for Revolutionary Road as well so...



Best Supporting Actor
Will Win: Heath Ledger (Batman Returns)
Should Win: Heath Ledger (Batman Returns)-- 90% Preformance, 10% Sympathy, still very deserving.



Best Supporting Actress
Will Win: Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona)
Should Win: Amy Adams (Doubt)-- What a year she has had. She'll get hers eventually.



Best Art Direction
Will Win: Benjamin Button
Should Win: Benjamin Button



Best Cinematography
Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire
Should Win: Benjamin Button



Best Animated Feature
Will Win: WALL-E
Should Win: WALL-E




So there you have it.

Late Night

I'm a pretty vivid dreamer. Not sure whether this was a conscientious or subconsciencious dream happening somewhere between falling asleep and being asleep. I don't want to make a habit of blogging about my dreams... that's just lame, but I feel I have to with this one.


I was on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

Conan: Our first guest tonight is the star of an upcoming movie. Please welcome to the stage Mr. Ryan Templeman.

I enter as the crowd claps politely.

Conan: Welcome to the show.

Ryan: Thanks for having me. How's the new late night treating you?

Conan: I thought I would ask the questions, but okay... this show sucks. It is slowly eating me alive. And I cry myself to sleep every night... on a bed full of money. [Evil Laugh that turns to a cry and then a sigh]. So I've been looking forward to chatting with you ever since I found out you were coming on the show... fifteen minutes ago. So apparently you're psychic?

Ryan: I suppose a little bit, though I've yet to figure out how to use my power for evil.

Conan: No really, a couple years ago you wrote a blog about this very encounter.

Ryan: It's not nearly as interesting as it sounds. Just goofing around I wrote about being on your show.

Conan: How long ago?

Ryan: It was awhile ago. Maybe...

Conan: Wait. I feel like we need some creepy music. Can I get some creepy music?

the music from 'In the Year 2000' begins to play.

Conan: Excellent. Please continue.

Ryan: So I wrote a dialog between myself and you and posted it on my blog.

Conan: I actually have a copy of that dialog you wrote here. Do you mind if I read it?

I smile, try to look hesitant, and quickly oblige the cheering audience.
Conan reads the dialog [that you're reading now] aloud.

Conan: Wow. That's fascinating stuff. And you know what else is fascinating? The new movie your in. See how I did that transition. I'm a legend. That's why I get paid the 'beaucoup' bucks. [Evil Laugh that turns to a cry and then a sigh]. Alright so I understand we have a clip from your new movie. You wanna set it up for us.

Ryan: No thanks.

Conan laughs.

Ryan: It's self-explanatory.

Conan: Alright let's run the clip.

A clip of some movie plays.

Conan: And there you have it. Ryan thanks for being on the show.

Ryan: Thank you.

Conan: Go see this movie. We'll be right back with Parker Posey.

Ryan: I love Parker Posey. Mind if I stick around? I'll behave.

Conan: You have my permission, but just remember, She is mine!

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So there it is. Hopefully now you can see why I felt like I needed to blog this.

Postcards from Paris

For some reason I like to think because I'm an 'artist' (in some form), I am therefore a good photographer. Why that is, I'm not entirely sure. It probably falls into the same egotistical catergory that causes actors to play the political savant on talk shows.

Reagrdless here are some pictures I took of my trip to Paris that I believe could be sold as postcards. Judge for yourself.

I'll go from what I consider best to worst. Most of them are black and white-- because otherwise there's colors to deal with and that requires real talent.

Sacre Coeur

I took this picture under great duress whilest a persistant gentleman
tried to get me to put my finger in a string.



L'Arc de Triomphe

The couple walking in the background is actually two woman, though I don't think you can really tell. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

The Effiel Tower

Why say anything else?

La Fountaine des Innocents

This is my favorite fountain in Paris (though I've never seen it working).

It is so massive and yet the only place the water comes from

is that little fountain in the middle.

Chateau de Versailles

Like everywhere in Paris,

you need to be on the look out for people stealing your stuff--

even angels are bad news.

Just some apartment building

When you're surrounded by beautiful towering monuments,

sometimes you just forget to look around at the little things in this city.

Dali Museum

This isn't really a great picture, but I'm a big fan of Dali so I included it anyway.

Here are a couple other "not great pictures-- but personal favorites".

La Jeune Martyre

This is probably my favorite non-Dali painting.

It's pretty morbid, I know, but for some reason I can't not stare at it.

The Winged Victory of Samothrace

Easily my favorite sculpture. She is one foxy lady.

These are two pictures Andrea took-- and I think they're pretty awesome.

Prayer Candles in Notre Dame

Sculptures of guys looking at their penises. Yeah she's a sicko!

My Nigerian Prince

A few years back there was this widely spoken of email going around about a Nigerian Prince. I always wanted to get that email. There was just something exciting, romantic even about it-- a Nigerian Prince sending me an email. So you can well imagine my surprise when I found this email in my inbox the other day.

It's not from a Prince, it's from a doctor (the second best thing), with connections to Nigeria (from my understanding, one of the most truthworthy places on earth). Apparently my Nigerian friends (I can only assume it's the Prince) have been trying to send me money all this time. Dr. Hassan (who thankfully had my email) contacted me about the failed wire transfers. There is some confusion we apparently need to clear up; someone owes Dr. Hassan $80,000-- I forwarded the email on to my health insurance, so hopefully they'll cover part of it. He is a doctor after all.


Man, I feel real bad for Dr. Hassan-- he is totally getting railroaded: he could lose his job, his wife could go to prison, and he's not getting paid for his work-- all this to help me get the funds my Nigerian Prince is trying to send me. Well I can make this right, I'll I need to do is:

1. Provide Dr. Hassan a good compensation (my discresion) for his hard work up to this point.
2. Not contact my Nigerian friends regarding this transaction (easy enough, I don't currently have any).
3. Stop paying the Central Bank of Nigeria Officers (oops... must be an auto-pay from my checking account).
4. Set up a U.S foreign account under my name for Mrs. Hassan and deposit the "fair compensation" (yet to be determined).
5. Endorse (which means 'sign' I think) a TT fund release approval documents so Mrs. Hassan can collect those funds. And finally...
6. Promise not to contact anyone at the Central Bank of Nigeria regarding Dr. Hassan's involvement in this transaction.

Six simple steps in order to gain the incalculable montary treasure the Pirnce has been trying to send me. I wonder how much it will be? Too much to mention in his email. Don't worry I won't forget about the little people.

This is the first thing I'm buying.

Oh and just cause you're jealous, don't try and tell me this is just a scam. It's way too complicated and complex to be completly made up. Beside Dr. Hassan wouldn't do that to me. He is a man of his word.

From the Desk of Dr. Usman Hassan

GOOD DAY,

RE: THE REASON WHY YOU HAVE NOT SUCCEEDED IN RECEIVING YOUR FUND

After waiting to hear from you or your Nigerian partner for a long time now, I decided to make this direct approach to you as my new resolution in other not to let it be if I have anything in mind against you. I do not know if you have asked yourself why each time the release of this fund is approved, all of a sudden, the payment will be stopped or one problem or the other will come up if you have not asked this question or you do not know, this is an opportunity for me to tell you.

Some time ago, your Nigerian friends, I mean the people that introduced you to the project approached me through my dear wife who work with the Federal Ministry of Finance and requested me to assist them conclude a money transfer deal they had with you. They requested me to assist them by removing the original contractor’s name, company’s name and bank particulars from the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) vetting computer and replacing them with your name and bank details in order to make you appear as the rightful beneficiary of this fund.

I agreed on condition that they will pay me US $80,000.00 as soon as your name appears as the beneficiary. I did as agreed and demanded to be paid, but your friends started telling me stories, they even told me you promised to send money to me.

Do you know that up till now, I have not received a single cent from them and have not set my eyes on any of them? Based on their attitude, I decided to stop the fund release movement because I cannot be denied of my right in my own office considering the risk as it might affect my job.. Secondly, I know the source of the funds that you did not execute any contract in Nigeria , although I am the only person privileged to know this information and it is a fact. Why I am making this clear to you is that I can see that you are still making efforts in order to conclude this project. Now I am ready to forget the past.

I do not need the US $80.000.00 any longer from you but a good compensation from your mind. I need your assurance that those colleagues will be totally kept out of this transaction. I know that none of them is aware of my new approach to you. Stop spending your money unnecessarily to CBN Officers both here and overseas because you will not receive this money without my hand in it. I personally did the work at the beginning and only I can perform it. Finally,

I need your promise that no official of the Central Bank of Nigeria will be aware of my involvement in this regard because of my position. Now re-assure me that you will be willing to compensate me and that you will assist my wife to establish a foreign account in your country where my compensation will be lodged. Also a TT FUND RELEASE APPROVAL DOCUMENTS will be sent to you for endorsement after which I will remit the money within 48 hours.

I am a man of my word. If you are ready to conclude this business with me, kindly contact me on my so that we can have a chat over this issue once and for all. But if the reverse is the case, do not bother yourself to reach me and forget about this money.

BEST REGARDS
Dr. Usman Hassan
Chair Payment Verification Panel

New Year, New Blog

I'm offically launching my new blog project. It is essentially a number of short scene and monologues I've written. Fear not, I will keep this one in order to vent and post life updates.


Please check it out http://scenesational.blogspot.com/
If you enjoy it-- I'd appreciate a plug.


Speaking of plugs, here's a link to a blog I just recently discovered.
http://myregisblog.blogspot.com/
If you're well versed in the Mormon culture, it's a good laugh. Enjoy!

The Auditioner

The Auditioner - watch more funny videos

Very funny and sadly very accurate.
Being an actor is so glamorous.

Great job Kate!

2008 Acheivement Awards

I'm a big fan of fabricating arbitrary awards that are otherwise meaningless, I guess I'm like Oprah in that way.
Here we go.

Best Movie Award
Nominees Included:
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
In Bruges
Lars and the Real Girl

The 2008 Winner of the "Best Movie" Award goes to...

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

I generally try to avoid terrible movies when at all possible. My in-laws, however have a strange fasination for them, so every once in a while I will test my mental dexterity by watching one.

The "Worst Movie" Award goes to... EAGLE EYE.

The "Movie Killer" Award
Nominees Included:
M. Night Shyamalan
Mike Myers
Shia LaBeouf

The "Movie Killer" Award goes to...

BRENDAN FRASER

Congratulations on two giant flops in 2008.


Favorite TV Series Award
Nominees Included:
Dexter
House
The Office

The 2008 Winner of the "Favorite TV Series" Award goes to...

Thank you Tina Fey for making at least one of the Baldwin's relevant again.

There is a fair amount of children television being watched in our household giving that we have a 3 year old. As you would expect, most of them are painful for adults with one exception.

The 2008 Winner of the "Favorite Kids Show" Award goes to...

YO GABBA GABBA

Soundtrack of 2008 Award
Nominees Included:
The Cure
Glen Phillips
Kate Bush
Neil Young

The Winner of "Soundtrack of 2008" Award goes to...

MORRISSEY

The 2008 "Repeat Album" Award goes to...

RADIOHEAD'S IN RAINBOWS

The 2008 "Musical Discovery" Award goes to...

RAY LAMONTAGNE

(Andrea is credited with this find)

Personal Photography Award
The 2008 Winner of the "Personal Photography" Award goes to...

REDRUM TUBBY

The 2008 Winner of the "Best Photo Compilation" Award goes to...

THE MANY FACES OF JEFFERSON TEMPLEMAN

Envy Awards
Female Envy Award Nominee Included:
Amy Ryan
Misty May-Treanor
Stevie Nicks

The 2008 Winner of the "Female Envy" Award goes to...

TINA FEY

The Sarah Palin thing just fell into her lap, but as the creator/writer and self effacing star of television's best show 30 Rock-- she deserves all of our envy. She hovers around a 7 on the "Hot Scale", but can be done up to a 8 or 9 with minimal effort.

Male Envy Award Nominee Included:
Asafa Powell
Ben Foster
Michael Jackson-- (money, music, and dance moves ONLY)

The 2008 Winner of the "Male Envy" Award goes to...

DAVID BECKHAM

'nough said!

The Ultimate Jagweed Award
Nominees Included:
Bill Belichick
Michael Phelps
Sean Hannity

The 2008 Winner of the "Ultimate Jagweed" Award goes to...

KIM JONG IL

Yes I realize Michael Phelps is petty in comparison to World War III, that why he didn't win... turns out he can't win everything. Belichick leaned that the hard way. Booyah!


Best Blog Post Award
Nominees Included:
Ma'Goon-- by Its the Life
The Story of Sally-- by My Friend Sally
There Will Be Blood DVD: The 3rd Revelation Edition-- Vox Espavesco, Vox Dei

The 2008 Winner of the "Best Blog Post" Award goes to... Lost-- by The Jolly Porter.

Good Times.