Monday, February 22, 2010

Take That

I have a great idea. This may be my best idea ever. By now I would hope you know my feelings about Facebook friends. Facebook is useful for a number of things, but I've found a significant weakness for which my great idea will help to bridge the gap.
It all really stems from the fact that you can 'like' something on a Facebook status, but there is no option for 'dislike'. I'm a natural Hater. It takes significantly less effort for me to hate (or dislike) something or someone than it does for me to like them. I'm not necessarily hateful, really it is just an appendage of laziness. So a friend of mine (Jim Stevens) posted something to the effect of "How do you tell old friends, and family member you might not like them anymore?". To which I said, "punch them in the face", which I admit may be a bit overboard, but does adequately get the point across. Then I started thinking about 'friends' on Facebook I'd like to punch in the face (don't worry there weren't many)-- and that's when it came to me-- A Virtual Punch in the Face application. Wouldn't it be wonderful?!Here's how it would work. You select a friend you'd like to cause 'virtual' physical harm to-- and you select what you wanna do to them; punch, kick, slap, lick hand then slap, Indian burn (can I still say that?), whatever. Then you select where to target your assault: to the face, to the mouth, to the shin, to the ear, to the dangling thing in the back of the throat-- again plenty of options here. Now here is the best part the application would then allow you the option of deciding whether or not you want to drop them as a friend, or limit their visibility of your profile, or drop them and block them permanently-- essentially giving you all the tools one would need to deliver the final blow (both virtually and metaphorically) to any unwanted Facebook relationships. A message would appear on your recipient's wall (to maximize humiliation), something to the effect of, "You were just virtually punched in the mouth by Ryan-- I guess this mean he doesn't want to be friends with you anymore-- don't bother trying to re-add him to your 'friends list', cause you'll just get another one right to the kisser." I'm sure we can add a feature to customize the message.
Now I'm sure there is someone out there think 'why would you ever use this application', here's a few examples that I'm sure 90% of people can relate to.
- You're miffed at a 'friend' from high school for posting that embarrassing or compromising photo of you which you were assured had been destroyed. Maybe you wanna virtually punch them in the face and restrict their access to your account.
- You get fired from a place of employee and you happen to have a few fellow employees and member of management as 'friends' on your account that you're not particularly fond of. Maybe you wanna virtually headbutt them in the nose and drop them from your friend's list.
- You're in a relationship and it goes sour, irreparably sour. No doubt you're drop and blocking this person forever anyway, why not a virtual headbutt to the groin would help you communicate your parting wishes.
I am deadly serious about this. I have plenty of nerdy friends (who are already social outcasts... j/k Stephen) that are perfect adept at writing programs and we are going to do this and we're going to be so filthy stinkin' rich Paris Hilton will violently vomit into her Gucci attache case. Violence sells-- you'll see!
This is what Facebook has been missing. Think about it, what would you rather do- try and rehash a friendship from elementary school when both of you know you've nothing in common anymore or deliver once and for all a devastating virtual Judo Chop to the sciatic nerve of an old high school bully. Really need we debate this anymore?!

Monday, January 04, 2010

Some guy's opinion of the Top 25 Movies of the Decade

So I have been seeing Top "whatever" lists of the decade online for the past 2 or 3 weeks. I disagree with most of them, some more passionately then others-- so I said to myself, "Self, How hard could it be to come up with an accurate list of the top 25 films of the decade?". Turns out, it's pretty tough. Yeah the first half a dozen or so come out pretty quickly but after that you're hacking your way through a jungle of mediocrity to find those forgotten film gems you may have forgotten about. In the process, like on any arduous journey, I learned a few things about myself:

-I like R Rated movies. In fact 20 of the 25 are rated R. For some people R Rated movies are a big deal, and I totally get that, but for me they are not... not at all.

-As much as I claim to like Johnny Depp, it must just be for his body-- Not one Johnny Depp film on the list. I'm not sure if I'm more sad for me or for him. [tear]

-Surprisingly Bill Murray tops the list with appearances in 3 of the 25 films, while 10 others appear more than once.

-I apparently really liked Ridley Scott at the beginning of the decade and then moved on to really liking Martin Scorsese later in the decade.

-My interests are pretty evenly split between drama and comedy, and I've learned that my idea of a "comedy" is more like everyone else's "dark and weird".

Now I feel I should preface this list with a disclaimer. As the great blogger The Jolly Porter stated in his decade review, While they may not be the best films of the decade, they are the ones that seemed to have grabbed me most. Or, in the words of the British critic Derek Malcolm, these are the films that I "could not bear the thought of never seeing again."

Alright that enough talk. Here is the countdown:

25. Lars and the Real Girl (2007): A wonderfully bizarre and touching film. The unconventional premise of a young man's relationship with a life-size doll he ordered from the internet, needlessly scared many people away from this film. There is NOTHING to fear. This is one of my PG-13 films, so go see it!

24. Zombieland (2009): I can certainly appreciate a quirky coming of age film as this list will show, but combined with a post-apocalyptic Zombie movie, well now that's just great entertainment.

23. Juno (2007): Like I said, I enjoy a quirky coming of age story and teen pregnancy is hysterical... if you're the guy. Oh Snap!

22. Almost Famous (2000): Look at that, yet another quirky coming of age film. I liked this one just a bit better than Juno, less female hormonal stuff.

21. Lost in Translation (2003): Completely unique. Simple, thoughtful, and so well crafted. Bill Murray at his finest.

20. Snatch (2000): Guy Richie's fast paced style film making inundates his viewers with information and somehow manages to wraps itself up in a perfect little bow seconds before the credits roll. And quite possibly Brad Pitt's best performance of the decade.

19. Up (2009): Easily Pixar's finest achievement. So simply and yet uniquely whimsical and engaging. Unlike Wall-E, which is equally stunning visually, the depth of character in Up is vastly superior and thus emotionally engaging.

18. The Road (2009): Generally when I go into a film with high expectations, it not only fails, it fails epically (case & point- The Forgotten). The Road did not disappoint. It was just as frightening, restless, and disturbing as it was supposed to be. Fascinating commentaries on humanity, fear, and survival.

17. Little Miss Sunshine (2006): The dysfunctional journey of a dysfunctional family of chain-smoking, suicidal, heroine addicts as they chase the improbable dream of their chubby 9 year old girl who wants to be a beauty pageant queen. Honestly, what's not to like about that?

16. Pan's Labyrinth (2006): A foreign film (Spain) with a fascinating & gripping storyline, absolutely astounding visuals, and wonderful imagination. It is dark and disturbing, but almost impossible to look away.

15. Big Fish (2003): This film resonated with me on a very personal level. It was beautiful and filled with the magic of Tim Burton's wild imagination. Also a PG-13.

14. There Will Be Blood (2007): No doubt it is a masterpiece and will be mentioned for years to come alongside film's like Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Schindler's List. Your children will study it in film class.

13. In Bruges (2008): I saw this at the Sundance Film Festival and simply could not stop laughing. So strange and wildly unpredictable with a substantial plot and characters.

12. Gangs of New York (2002): This is worth seeing just for Daniel Day Lewis. Possibly his best performance ever. In fact a good cast all around. A fascinating period piece that changed my perceptions of history. That's a big deal, right?

11. Hannibal (2001): Better than Silence of the Lambs and here's why: 1. Hannibal Lecture outside his cell and moving about the world as he pleases =scary. 2. Gary Oldman as one of the creepiest creepers ever. 3. Julianne Moore not Jodie Foster.

10. Gladiator (2000): There is really nothing to critic in this film. It is an awe-inspiring epic for the ages.

9. In America (2002): A deeply touching film. I don't know that I've ever seen a film that has taken me on such a roller-coaster ride of emotions. The acting is amazing!!! This is a MUST SEE FILM and there is no excuse-- it is PG-13.

8. V For Vendetta (2005): This film caught me totally by surprise, and that doesn't happen very often. It is uniquely beautiful in both presentation and plot. I ceremoniously remember to watch it on the 5th of November each year.

7. Children of Men (2006): Such an interesting premise on which to create a film. From a film-making perspective, to this day I can not get over the continuous shoot that follows down several flights of stairs. Simply an amazing feat in and of itself. I was mildly surprised to find it was not written by Cormac McCarthy.

6. Memento (2000): I was absolutely blown away the first time I watched this film. I think part of my brain seeped out of my ear. Absolutely riveting, original, and challenging. I dare you to try and watch it only once. I DARE YOU!!!

5. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004): Another very interesting premise as is the usual of Charlie Kaufman. This film simply sucks you from beginning to end. It is beautiful and unique love story and manages to mess with you mentally, emotionally, morally philosophically, in a way I've yet to experience elsewhere.

4. The Departed (2006): I heart Jack Nicholson, I heart Alec Baldwin, I heart Mark Walberg, and I heart Martin Scorsese. How could I not heart this film? It is an intense, well created film with all the makings of a classic Shakespearean tragedy.

3. No Country for Old Men (2007): In my book, the Cohen brothers can do no wrong and in this film they did a whole lot of good. It is the ultimate Anti-hero film. No doubt Anton Chigurh is one of the scariest bad guys ever.

2. Amelie (2001): This foreign film (French) is so full of life. It is so energetic, colorful, spontaneous, and playful you can't help but fall in love. I can guarantee three things if you watch this film: 1. It will make you happy. 2. It will make you hate Travelocity's blatant rip-off of the traveling gnome. 3. It will be one your favorite movies of the decade as well.

1. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001): It is Wes Anderson's most significant film to date. This film forever changed the way I think and feel about film. A great film has great characters and The Royal Tenenbaums is absolute proof. It is sharp, subtle, and surprisingly sensitive. It has influenced me creatively more so than any other film I imagine ever could.


Honorable Mentions:
No single entry from these trilogies was able to crack my top 25; however as collective works, they are certainly deserving of mention.

Batman Begins (2005)/Dark Knight (2008): Christopher Nolan is a great film maker and easily the best thing to happen for Batman and DC comics over the past decade. I love the darkness of these films.

The Bournes (2002,2004,2007): Exciting, intense, smart, fun, cool, entertaining... anything else, oh yeah Bad Ass!

Lord of the Rings Trilogy
(2001,2002,2003): An absolutely amazing epic. What an great accomplishment to translate those novels to film.

All these films were released in 2009, and merit a posting of their own, but since I'm not going to do a "2009 Movies- Year in Review", I'll just add them here as a post-script:

Inglorious Bastards: One of Tarantino's finest. Funny, intense, violent. Immensely entertaining.

Adventureland
: Another Sundance film and yet another quirky and witty coming of age story set in the 1980's. Very entertaining and enduring.

Mary and Max
: A black & white (and a little red) animated stop-motion film out of Australia I saw at Sundance. I know it sounds like a snooze, it is anything but. So simple, but so thoughtful, witty, and so worth seeing. It is PG. I'm not sure where you can find it, but it is out there.

Fantastic Mr. Fox
: I love Wes Anderson and I had been waiting for this film to be released for nearly a year and a half. A great story and fantastic cast. Go see it- PG.

Coraline
: Yes this is the forth animated film I thoroughly enjoy this year, (also out of Australia). It was dark and eerie, and not really for children-- unless of course you've get those creepy Children of the Corn-type kids and then I suppose it is alright.


So that's it. I believe I've been quite thorough, but I'm sure I've missed something... and no doubt you'll feel the need to let me know what that is. Be my guest.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Help with your New Year's Resolutions

It is that time of year to set some goals and make New Year's resolutions. Nearly 50% of Americans makes New Year's resolutions, but according to Wikipedia (which is always 100% reliable) "research shows that while 52% of participants in a resolution study were confident of success with their goals, only 12% actually achieved their goals." The success rate goes up significantly when those resolutions are made public and garnish the support of family and friends. So I thought it would be a great to create a forum where you can announce your New Year's resolutions, and I will help you number among the 12%. Sound good?

Now everyone can participate, but obviously I already know that only about 50% of you actually will (per the above statistics). If you don't have resolutions yet the U.S. government has thoughtfully provided a thorough list of the most popular New Year's Resolutions (yes, our tax pay for this research) you can choose from. Here they are:

* Lose Weight
* Manage Debt
* Save Money
* Get a Better Job
* Get Fit
* Get a Better Education
* Drink Less Alcohol
* Quit Smoking Now
* Reduce Stress Overall
* Reduce Stress at Work
* Take a Trip
* Volunteer to Help Others

Now I know I have some multicultural readers out there (maybe) and so I've done a little research (save the U.S. government some time and money) and come up with the most popular New Year's resolutions from some other countries from around the world.

In Egypt the most popular resolution is:
* Walk the camels regularly
In Ireland the most popular resolution is:
* Find a Leprechaun and get his Lucky Charms
In Greenland the most popular resolution is:
* Learn to Surf
In Switzerland the most popular resolution is:
* Stop taking sides
In France the most popular resolution is:
* Visit one of those museums everyone's talking about
In Canada the most popular resolution is:
* Shovel the Driveway
In Australia the most popular resolution is:
* Find and Kill Paul Hogan
In Japan the most popular resolution is:
* Take more photos
In Mexico the most popular resolution is:
* Figure out how they get the candy inside those Pinatas
In China the most popular resolution is:
* Take over the World

Well I think that about does it. Happy New Year everyone!