Thursday, January 29, 2009

Postcards from Paris

For some reason I like to think because I'm an 'artist' (in some form), I am therefore a good photographer. Why that is, I'm not entirely sure. It probably falls into the same egotistical catergory that causes actors to play the political savant on talk shows.

Reagrdless here are some pictures I took of my trip to Paris that I believe could be sold as postcards. Judge for yourself.

I'll go from what I consider best to worst. Most of them are black and white-- because otherwise there's colors to deal with and that requires real talent.

Sacre Coeur

I took this picture under great duress whilest a persistant gentleman
tried to get me to put my finger in a string.

L'Arc de Triomphe

The couple walking in the background is actually two woman, though I don't think you can really tell. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

The Effiel Tower

Why say anything else?

La Fountaine des Innocents
This is my favorite fountain in Paris (though I've never seen it working).
It is so massive and yet the only place the water comes from
is that little fountain in the middle.

Chateau de Versailles
Like everywhere in Paris,
you need to be on the look out for people stealing your stuff--
even angels are bad news.

Just some apartment building
When you're surrounded by beautiful towering monuments,
sometimes you just forget to look around at the little things in this city.

Dali Museum

This isn't really a great picture, but I'm a big fan of Dali so I included it anyway.
Here are a couple other "not great pictures-- but personal favorites".

La Jeune Martyre

This is probably my favorite non-Dali painting.
It's pretty morbid, I know, but for some reason I can't not stare at it.
The Winged Victory of Samothrace
Easily my favorite sculpture. She is one foxy lady.
These are two pictures Andrea took-- and I think they're pretty awesome.

Prayer Candles in Notre Dame

Sculptures of guys looking at their penises. Yeah she's a sicko!

Monday, January 19, 2009

My Nigerian Prince

A few years back there was this widely spoken of email going around about a Nigerian Prince. I always wanted to get that email. There was just something exciting, romantic even about it-- a Nigerian Prince sending me an email. So you can well imagine my surprise when I found this email in my inbox the other day.

It's not from a Prince, it's from a doctor (the second best thing), with connections to Nigeria (from my understanding, one of the most truthworthy places on earth). Apparently my Nigerian friends (I can only assume it's the Prince) have been trying to send me money all this time. Dr. Hassan (who thankfully had my email) contacted me about the failed wire transfers. There is some confusion we apparently need to clear up; someone owes Dr. Hassan $80,000-- I forwarded the email on to my health insurance, so hopefully they'll cover part of it. He is a doctor after all.

Man, I feel real bad for Dr. Hassan-- he is totally getting railroaded: he could lose his job, his wife could go to prison, and he's not getting paid for his work-- all this to help me get the funds my Nigerian Prince is trying to send me. Well I can make this right, I'll I need to do is:
  1. Provide Dr. Hassan a good compensation (my discresion) for his hard work up to this point.
  2. Not contact my Nigerian friends regarding this transaction (easy enough, I don't currently have any).
  3. Stop paying the Central Bank of Nigeria Officers (oops... must be an auto-pay from my checking account).
  4. Set up a U.S foreign account under my name for Mrs. Hassan and deposit the "fair compensation" (yet to be determined).
  5. Endorse (which means 'sign' I think) a TT fund release approval documents so Mrs. Hassan can collect those funds. And finally...
  6. Promise not to contact anyone at the Central Bank of Nigeria regarding Dr. Hassan's involvement in this transaction.

Six simple steps in order to gain the incalculable montary treasure the Pirnce has been trying to send me. I wonder how much it will be? Too much to mention in his email. Don't worry I won't forget about the little people.

This is the first thing I'm buying.

Oh and just cause you're jealous, don't try and tell me this is just a scam. It's way too complicated and complex to be completly made up. Beside Dr. Hassan wouldn't do that to me. He is a man of his word.

From the Desk of Dr. Usman Hassan



After waiting to hear from you or your Nigerian partner for a long time now, I decided to make this direct approach to you as my new resolution in other not to let it be if I have anything in mind against you. I do not know if you have asked yourself why each time the release of this fund is approved, all of a sudden, the payment will be stopped or one problem or the other will come up if you have not asked this question or you do not know, this is an opportunity for me to tell you.

Some time ago, your Nigerian friends, I mean the people that introduced you to the project approached me through my dear wife who work with the Federal Ministry of Finance and requested me to assist them conclude a money transfer deal they had with you. They requested me to assist them by removing the original contractor’s name, company’s name and bank particulars from the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) vetting computer and replacing them with your name and bank details in order to make you appear as the rightful beneficiary of this fund.

I agreed on condition that they will pay me US $80,000.00 as soon as your name appears as the beneficiary. I did as agreed and demanded to be paid, but your friends started telling me stories, they even told me you promised to send money to me.

Do you know that up till now, I have not received a single cent from them and have not set my eyes on any of them? Based on their attitude, I decided to stop the fund release movement because I cannot be denied of my right in my own office considering the risk as it might affect my job.. Secondly, I know the source of the funds that you did not execute any contract in Nigeria , although I am the only person privileged to know this information and it is a fact. Why I am making this clear to you is that I can see that you are still making efforts in order to conclude this project. Now I am ready to forget the past.

I do not need the US $80.000.00 any longer from you but a good compensation from your mind. I need your assurance that those colleagues will be totally kept out of this transaction. I know that none of them is aware of my new approach to you. Stop spending your money unnecessarily to CBN Officers both here and overseas because you will not receive this money without my hand in it. I personally did the work at the beginning and only I can perform it. Finally,

I need your promise that no official of the Central Bank of Nigeria will be aware of my involvement in this regard because of my position. Now re-assure me that you will be willing to compensate me and that you will assist my wife to establish a foreign account in your country where my compensation will be lodged. Also a TT FUND RELEASE APPROVAL DOCUMENTS will be sent to you for endorsement after which I will remit the money within 48 hours.

I am a man of my word. If you are ready to conclude this business with me, kindly contact me on my so that we can have a chat over this issue once and for all. But if the reverse is the case, do not bother yourself to reach me and forget about this money.

Dr. Usman Hassan
Chair Payment Verification Panel

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

New Year, New Blog

I'm offically launching my new blog project. It is essentially a number of short scene and monologues I've written. Fear not, I will keep this one in order to vent and post life updates.

Please check it out
If you enjoy it-- I'd appreciate a plug.

Speaking of plugs, here's a link to a blog I just recently discovered.
If you're well versed in the Mormon culture, it's a good laugh. Enjoy!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Auditioner

Very funny and sadly very accurate.
Being an actor is so glamorous.

Great job Kate!

Monday, January 12, 2009

2008 Acheivement Awards

I'm a big fan of fabricating arbitrary awards that are otherwise meaningless, I guess I'm like Oprah in that way.
Here we go.

Best Movie Award
Nominees Included:
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
In Bruges
Lars and the Real Girl

The 2008 Winner of the "Best Movie" Award goes to...

I generally try to avoid terrible movies when at all possible. My in-laws, however have a strange fasination for them, so every once in a while I will test my mental dexterity by watching one.

The "Worst Movie" Award goes to... EAGLE EYE.
The "Movie Killer" Award
Nominees Included:
M. Night Shyamalan
Mike Myers
Shia LaBeouf

The "Movie Killer" Award goes to...
Congratulations on two giant flops in 2008.

Favorite TV Series Award
Nominees Included:
The Office

The 2008 Winner of the "Favorite TV Series" Award goes to...
Thank you Tina Fey for making at least one of the Baldwin's relevant again.

There is a fair amount of children television being watched in our household giving that we have a 3 year old. As you would expect, most of them are painful for adults with one exception.

The 2008 Winner of the "Favorite Kids Show" Award goes to...

Soundtrack of 2008 Award
Nominees Included:
The Cure
Glen Phillips
Kate Bush
Neil Young

The Winner of "Soundtrack of 2008" Award goes to...

The 2008 "Repeat Album" Award goes to...

The 2008 "Musical Discovery" Award goes to...
(Andrea is credited with this find)

Personal Photography Award
The 2008 Winner of the "Personal Photography" Award goes to...

The 2008 Winner of the "Best Photo Compilation" Award goes to...

Envy Awards
Female Envy Award Nominee Included:
Amy Ryan
Misty May-Treanor
Stevie Nicks

The 2008 Winner of the "Female Envy" Award goes to...

The Sarah Palin thing just fell into her lap, but as the creator/writer and self effacing star of television's best show 30 Rock-- she deserves all of our envy. She hovers around a 7 on the "Hot Scale", but can be done up to a 8 or 9 with minimal effort.

Male Envy Award Nominee Included:
Asafa Powell
Ben Foster
Michael Jackson-- (money, music, and dance moves ONLY)

The 2008 Winner of the "Male Envy" Award goes to...


'nough said!

The Ultimate Jagweed Award
Nominees Included:
Bill Belichick
Michael Phelps
Sean Hannity

The 2008 Winner of the "Ultimate Jagweed" Award goes to...


Yes I realize Michael Phelps is petty in comparison to World War III, that why he didn't win... turns out he can't win everything. Belichick leaned that the hard way. Booyah!

Best Blog Post Award
Nominees Included:
Ma'Goon-- by Its the Life
The Story of Sally-- by My Friend Sally
There Will Be Blood DVD: The 3rd Revelation Edition-- Vox Espavesco, Vox Dei

The 2008 Winner of the "Best Blog Post" Award goes to... Lost-- by The Jolly Porter.

Good Times.