It's a Disease

So I was watching What it Takes on Reelz channel the other day-- for those of you not familiar with the program, each episode is essentially the biography of an actor's life and how they got to where they are today. This particular episode was about Billy Bob Thorton-- I think, anyway it doesn't matter. Some of the episodes are mildly interesting, but there are two things that kind of make me crazy.
1. Every episode ends with some writer from Variety or People Magazine or Entertainment Weekly saying, "[insert name here] is one of the most acclaimed actors in the business"-- Of course they are! That's why you're doing an entire show about them! I know it's a silly little thing, but it makes me nuts.
2. Someone almost without fail will make mention to "The Acting Bug". I don't know where that expression came from (even Wikipedia doesn't know)-- but it sounds awful. It sounds like a disease! Usually the reference is followed by "...then they dropped out of school", "...quit their stable and secure job", "...abandoned any semblance of being a responsible adult"; all because they were bitten by that damned Acting Bug. I kid you not-- it is an epidemic! Thousands and thousands of people: Men, women, and children (sometimes even pets) are bitten by the Acting Bug each year and seemingly begin to throw their lives away to feed the disease. Sadly only a small fraction achieve their own episode on What It Takes; while the others struggle to hold down a steady job. Yet there are some who manage to suppress nearly all the urges-- only to become wildly animated about poor acting in films and television shows, thinking deep down they could have done a better if only they were given a shot. The Acting Bug is a Home-Wrecker, a Career-Killer, a Rebel without a Cause! Stay away, because it will seriously mess you up!

The following is an artists rendition of Thespious Insectas. Common name: Acting Bug.
It can be identified by it's colorful beret and scarf. It is thought to live in dark places-- frequently found on the black curtains of high school theatre stages. Those who encounter this menacing creature should back away slowly, making themselves look as uncultured as possible. If bitten, rinse the area immediately with soap and warm water, avoid auditoriums and movie theatre for at least 48 hours, and promptly join a sports team or club. Thank you.

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Okay so I'm starting to figure out this whole blog thing-- not in the sense that I'm necessarily becoming a 'good blogger', but rather that I'm slowly coming to understand how to customize my blogs appearance. Part of that process has led me to the ominous task of creating an author's profile; a series of questions highlighting the things I like. Really who cares about what you like-- "Oh he likes movies... I like movies... we have so much in common"-- it's not true! I know tons of people who like movies, or sports, or sushi that I absolutely detest with the most profound part of my being. A list of things that you have a passionate hatred for seems like far better a barometer of capability-- it is certainly more informative, and definitely more entertaining than a list of all the things I like. So rather than complete my profile questionnaire, I will provide a brief list of things I hate (in no particular order).

Mint-- Too say, "I don't like mint" would be a monumental understatement. I hate mint-- like it killed my dog-- hate mint! Now mint come from Mentha a plant genus with 25 species (thank you Wikipedia). I have nothing against mint (the plant), but I do have a serious beef with mint (the flavor). It's not enough that it tastes awful, but it has to go and ruin perfectly good things like ice cream, candy, and even chocolate. Is nothing sacred to you, Mint?! I think mint and I could co-exist quite peaceably if it weren't for the fact that it corrupts so many things that I do enjoy-- like a rogue mercenary poisoning my drinking water. I hate that it disguises itself so well-- like a sheep in wolves clothing. It is so hard to completely avoid. Believe me I try and still at least once or twice a year I'm amazed to find I have something 'mint' in my mouth and my fiery hatred for this ungodly taste is rekindled yet again-- growing gradually with each unprovoked encounter. Damn you, Mint. Damn you.

Laugh Tracks-- I am appalled by laugh tracks. While the ridiculously overt laughing is certainly annoying, it is the blatant, slap in the face, you're too stupid to know when to laugh insult that really boils my kettle. I don't need a cue to know when to laugh-- I'll laugh when it's damn well funny. I know what you're thinking, Laugh Track-- you think you can peer pressure me into laughing, "Everyone else is laughing". Don't try and make me question my sense of humor because you can't write a funny sitcom-- YES! I'm talking to you Jezebel James (shame on you Parker Posey!). How dare you insult your viewers with a laugh track?! Laugh Track, you take something so pure and jovial; the essence of human enjoyment and you taint it with offensive and presumptuous artificial emotion. You're just as bad as Mint!

Bumper Stickers-- Not just bumper stickers, this includes window "art" and other such non-sensical tomfoolery. First of all-- bumper stickers. What I don't think people realize is that putting a bumper sticker on your car is like getting a tattoo on your forehead. In general, I have no problem with tattooing because for the most part it will be covered, seen primarily by oneself and/or intimate friends. A bumper sticker however is not for your own enjoyment but rather a very literal label you're applying to yourself, so others know what to think of you.For example this person is a Democrat, likes camping, and very possibly smells like patchouli. Now this assumption may be completely inaccurate, but what other information do I have to go on? This persons intention may have only been to encourage the support of the Alaskan fishing industry, but unbeknownst to them they're bumper sticker has provided this additional (and quite possibly inaccurate) information about them. Bumper Stickers are backstabbers! They've totally got your back when it comes to fishing the wild salmon, but then promotes negative stereotypes about your character behind your back (literally).

Republican Jarhead!

Out of touch!






Bitch!


Yes! You absolutely are!

Catholic! No wait-- that church is already cold and dead. Christian!



By having a bumper sticker that says, "My other car is the Starship Enterprise" you're telling the world-- You're a dork! And that's okay if you are, but you're probably not just a dork. And therein lays my hatred for the bumper sticker. No one looks at the Calvin peeing on your truck window and thinks, "There's a reputable member of society."-- even though you may very well be one. They think you’re a jagweed: an idiotic, meathead who can't spell. I'm sorry I know you were just trying to be playful, but it's true. Bumper stickers tarnish good people's reputations every day. Remove the label. Boycott bumper stickers!



[sigh] Thank you!

Cinco de Mayo?

I'm not exactly sure when or even how the May 5th holiday "Cinco de Mayo" became Cinco de Mustache-- and frankly don't I really care. Having been born and raised in Canada, I am about as far removed from the Cinco de Mayo culture as humanly possible. What do you even do on Cinco de Mayo? I don't know-- but I can tell you want you do on Cinco de Mustache: You grow a mustache!
Here's how it work. Don't shave during the month of April, then on May 5th trim back the facial forest revealing your Cinco de Mustache. Now for those of you who may be facial hair impaired, like myself, you may want to consider getting started on your stache a few weeks sooner. Then you and all the members of your mustache posse go out to lunch/dinner at a crappy little mexican resturant. Avoid crowded places with children like parks, middle schools, and McDonald's playlands.

Happy Cinco de Mustache! See ya next year!