It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Okay so I'm starting to figure out this whole blog thing-- not in the sense that I'm necessarily becoming a 'good blogger', but rather that I'm slowly coming to understand how to customize my blogs appearance. Part of that process has led me to the ominous task of creating an author's profile; a series of questions highlighting the things I like. Really who cares about what you like-- "Oh he likes movies... I like movies... we have so much in common"-- it's not true! I know tons of people who like movies, or sports, or sushi that I absolutely detest with the most profound part of my being. A list of things that you have a passionate hatred for seems like far better a barometer of capability-- it is certainly more informative, and definitely more entertaining than a list of all the things I like. So rather than complete my profile questionnaire, I will provide a brief list of things I hate (in no particular order).

Mint-- Too say, "I don't like mint" would be a monumental understatement. I hate mint-- like it killed my dog-- hate mint! Now mint come from Mentha a plant genus with 25 species (thank you Wikipedia). I have nothing against mint (the plant), but I do have a serious beef with mint (the flavor). It's not enough that it tastes awful, but it has to go and ruin perfectly good things like ice cream, candy, and even chocolate. Is nothing sacred to you, Mint?! I think mint and I could co-exist quite peaceably if it weren't for the fact that it corrupts so many things that I do enjoy-- like a rogue mercenary poisoning my drinking water. I hate that it disguises itself so well-- like a sheep in wolves clothing. It is so hard to completely avoid. Believe me I try and still at least once or twice a year I'm amazed to find I have something 'mint' in my mouth and my fiery hatred for this ungodly taste is rekindled yet again-- growing gradually with each unprovoked encounter. Damn you, Mint. Damn you.

Laugh Tracks-- I am appalled by laugh tracks. While the ridiculously overt laughing is certainly annoying, it is the blatant, slap in the face, you're too stupid to know when to laugh insult that really boils my kettle. I don't need a cue to know when to laugh-- I'll laugh when it's damn well funny. I know what you're thinking, Laugh Track-- you think you can peer pressure me into laughing, "Everyone else is laughing". Don't try and make me question my sense of humor because you can't write a funny sitcom-- YES! I'm talking to you Jezebel James (shame on you Parker Posey!). How dare you insult your viewers with a laugh track?! Laugh Track, you take something so pure and jovial; the essence of human enjoyment and you taint it with offensive and presumptuous artificial emotion. You're just as bad as Mint!

Bumper Stickers-- Not just bumper stickers, this includes window "art" and other such non-sensical tomfoolery. First of all-- bumper stickers. What I don't think people realize is that putting a bumper sticker on your car is like getting a tattoo on your forehead. In general, I have no problem with tattooing because for the most part it will be covered, seen primarily by oneself and/or intimate friends. A bumper sticker however is not for your own enjoyment but rather a very literal label you're applying to yourself, so others know what to think of you.For example this person is a Democrat, likes camping, and very possibly smells like patchouli. Now this assumption may be completely inaccurate, but what other information do I have to go on? This persons intention may have only been to encourage the support of the Alaskan fishing industry, but unbeknownst to them they're bumper sticker has provided this additional (and quite possibly inaccurate) information about them. Bumper Stickers are backstabbers! They've totally got your back when it comes to fishing the wild salmon, but then promotes negative stereotypes about your character behind your back (literally).

Republican Jarhead!

Out of touch!






Bitch!


Yes! You absolutely are!

Catholic! No wait-- that church is already cold and dead. Christian!



By having a bumper sticker that says, "My other car is the Starship Enterprise" you're telling the world-- You're a dork! And that's okay if you are, but you're probably not just a dork. And therein lays my hatred for the bumper sticker. No one looks at the Calvin peeing on your truck window and thinks, "There's a reputable member of society."-- even though you may very well be one. They think you’re a jagweed: an idiotic, meathead who can't spell. I'm sorry I know you were just trying to be playful, but it's true. Bumper stickers tarnish good people's reputations every day. Remove the label. Boycott bumper stickers!



[sigh] Thank you!