Utah-- Is This The Place?

I think it is about time I made this post. I've lived in Utah for nearly 8 years now-- so I pretty much know everything there is to know about Utah. Simply put this post will be a list of Pros and Cons to living in the Beehive state-- it will no doubt be a worthy resource for local real estate agents, the various tourism bureaus, and those of you considering making the jump to The Promised Land.

Scenery: Pro-- See, now, you might think that having Scenery as a category is just me being charitable, but it's not-- I'm never charitable. I admit scenery is kind of corny unless you're making a film-- a film that requires locations like towering snow covered mountains, a dry arid desert, and a bustling downtown city center. Not so corny, now is it Mr. Spielberg? Furthermore-- that scenery can be visited up close and personal for you outdoorsy types.

Greatest Snow on Earth: Con-- I don't particularly like snow. Sure it looks nice up on the mountains, but as far as "Greatest Snow", I'd like to know who decides that? The World Government with it's Snow Lobbyist? I highly doubt the snow from Antarctica or Outer Siberia were fairly represented. Frankly I prefer the kind of snow that doesn't make my front porch slippery, tastes like powdered sugar, and comes in small dime bags from Adam's Avenue in Ogden.

Family Oriented Communities: Pro-- There are parks-- and not the kind of park where you buy drugs (those exist but are generally outside residential areas). These parks are actually for kids-- you don't see teenager loitering around swings or homeless people taking shelter under the slides.

The Nightly Curfew: Con-- Every now and then I just want a pizza to be delivered to my house at 2 in the morning. I don't know that it is written law, but Utah seems to have strict curfew-- often defined as the moment the Holy Spirit goes to bed. Then the Devil takes over. The only places open past 10 pm are already well under the control of the Devil-- bars, night clubs, and Wal-mart.

Sundance Film Festival: Pro-- One of the best "independent" film festivals in the world. Granted it has progressively become more "Hollywood" in the last few years, but I maintain it is an amazing festival and easily one of the top perks of living in Utah. This past year I was able to see In Bruge, Smart People, and The Wackness (along others) 9 months ahead of the general viewing public.

(IN BRUGES--Good Film 4.5 Stars)

As a local you can easily get affordable tickets to almost any movie screening at the festival (without waiting in 2-3 lines)-- yes that's one of the perk of being a resident. Take that Mister hot shot from New York City-- flying in every year wearing your furry boots and that 7 foot silk scarf!

The Mormons: Con-- Before you get all up in arms, hear me out. Not all members of the LDS faith are "Mormons". This is a select group of individuals I define as Mormons. A Mormon is someone that wears the LDS religion like a tiara or crowd of superiority. Someone who is personally offended by your facial hair, your diet coke, or your choice of music. Mormons are the ugly side of the LDS faith-- like the Taliban to Islam or The Catholics to Christianity.

Friendly Neighbors: Pro-- You will find most Utahans to be quite pleasant, genuine, and helpful. Housing units, neighborhoods, and sometimes entire cities are willing to offer support and caring on a level rivaled only by Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're not already a member of the LDS faith the friendliness is earnestly intensified in order to convert you. Ride that gravy train as long as you can.

Overt LDS Commercialism: Con-- This is truly a pet peeve of mine in Utah. I hate when local businesses will try to differentiate themselves from their competitors by "Going All Godly". A good example of this is CleanFlix, which was essentially a Blockbuster video with edited Hollywood movies specifically for their LDS audience. Other perpetrators include: Zion's Bank (give me a break, when Zion returns to the earth there won't be any banks), Smith's Food & Drugs (obviously a reference the LDS prophet and founder Joseph Smith Jr.), Desseret Book (carries only "Uplifting Books"-- whatever that means), Living Scripture (a series of ridiculously over priced DVD movies based on Scriptural stories for children-- these guys are bad news).

Multi-Cultural: Pro-- Now it's nothing in comparison to say a Toronto or New York, but Utah is pretty eclectic. The main reason behind this phenomenon is LDS missionaries travelling the world around living and absorbing these cultures and then returning home to attend BYU (or U of U if you're not as righteous). This also contributes to a host of authentic restaurants, unique foods, and dinning experiences. In some circumstances the missionaries will not only bring back the culture but the women as well. Also the efforts of missionary work bring LDS converts from these countries to Utah a.k.a. Zion-- getting a head start on the Millennial migration.

The Osmonds: Con-- It is a simple and sad fact-- but The Osmonds (notably Donnie and Marie) are the most widely recognized individuals to come from Utah-- and frankly it's a big problem. The Osmonds are worshipped like golden calves in Utah. It's gotten to the point where if your last name happens to be Osmond and you bear any resemblance to any member of the original Osmond group you are qualified to publically sing and dance at any/all of the following functions: Sporting Events, Parades, Sacrament Meetings (Baby Blessings and Farewells), Rodeos, Multi-Level Marketing Annual Conventions. I am not even kidding-- for the 4th I attended a soccer match followed by a fireworks show-- the pre-show was sung by an Osmond-- I have no idea which one because he was announced to the crowd only as "An Osmond". I felt sorry for him-- and the rest of us.

So there you have it! This is The Place. One fourth of the famed 4 Corners. The Wild Wild West of the movies. The Home of Fry Sauce, Funeral Potatoes, and Jell-O Salad. Utah-- Where the mighty Seagulls patrol the sky.