Take That

I have a great idea. This may be my best idea ever. By now I would hope you know my feelings about Facebook friends. Facebook is useful for a number of things, but I've found a significant weakness for which my great idea will help to bridge the gap.
It all really stems from the fact that you can 'like' something on a Facebook status, but there is no option for 'dislike'. I'm a natural Hater. It takes significantly less effort for me to hate (or dislike) something or someone than it does for me to like them. I'm not necessarily hateful, really it is just an appendage of laziness. So a friend of mine (Jim Stevens) posted something to the effect of "How do you tell old friends, and family member you might not like them anymore?". To which I said, "punch them in the face", which I admit may be a bit overboard, but does adequately get the point across. Then I started thinking about 'friends' on Facebook I'd like to punch in the face (don't worry there weren't many)-- and that's when it came to me-- A Virtual Punch in the Face application. Wouldn't it be wonderful?!Here's how it would work. You select a friend you'd like to cause 'virtual' physical harm to-- and you select what you wanna do to them; punch, kick, slap, lick hand then slap, Indian burn (can I still say that?), whatever. Then you select where to target your assault: to the face, to the mouth, to the shin, to the ear, to the dangling thing in the back of the throat-- again plenty of options here. Now here is the best part the application would then allow you the option of deciding whether or not you want to drop them as a friend, or limit their visibility of your profile, or drop them and block them permanently-- essentially giving you all the tools one would need to deliver the final blow (both virtually and metaphorically) to any unwanted Facebook relationships. A message would appear on your recipient's wall (to maximize humiliation), something to the effect of, "You were just virtually punched in the mouth by Ryan-- I guess this mean he doesn't want to be friends with you anymore-- don't bother trying to re-add him to your 'friends list', cause you'll just get another one right to the kisser." I'm sure we can add a feature to customize the message.
Now I'm sure there is someone out there think 'why would you ever use this application', here's a few examples that I'm sure 90% of people can relate to.
- You're miffed at a 'friend' from high school for posting that embarrassing or compromising photo of you which you were assured had been destroyed. Maybe you wanna virtually punch them in the face and restrict their access to your account.
- You get fired from a place of employee and you happen to have a few fellow employees and member of management as 'friends' on your account that you're not particularly fond of. Maybe you wanna virtually headbutt them in the nose and drop them from your friend's list.
- You're in a relationship and it goes sour, irreparably sour. No doubt you're drop and blocking this person forever anyway, why not a virtual headbutt to the groin would help you communicate your parting wishes.
I am deadly serious about this. I have plenty of nerdy friends (who are already social outcasts... j/k Stephen) that are perfect adept at writing programs and we are going to do this and we're going to be so filthy stinkin' rich Paris Hilton will violently vomit into her Gucci attache case. Violence sells-- you'll see!
This is what Facebook has been missing. Think about it, what would you rather do- try and rehash a friendship from elementary school when both of you know you've nothing in common anymore or deliver once and for all a devastating virtual Judo Chop to the sciatic nerve of an old high school bully. Really need we debate this anymore?!

Some guy's opinion of the Top 25 Movies of the Decade

So I have been seeing Top "whatever" lists of the decade online for the past 2 or 3 weeks. I disagree with most of them, some more passionately then others-- so I said to myself, "Self, How hard could it be to come up with an accurate list of the top 25 films of the decade?". Turns out, it's pretty tough. Yeah the first half a dozen or so come out pretty quickly but after that you're hacking your way through a jungle of mediocrity to find those forgotten film gems you may have forgotten about. In the process, like on any arduous journey, I learned a few things about myself:

-I like R Rated movies. In fact 20 of the 25 are rated R. For some people R Rated movies are a big deal, and I totally get that, but for me they are not... not at all.

-As much as I claim to like Johnny Depp, it must just be for his body-- Not one Johnny Depp film on the list. I'm not sure if I'm more sad for me or for him. [tear]

-Surprisingly Bill Murray tops the list with appearances in 3 of the 25 films, while 10 others appear more than once.

-I apparently really liked Ridley Scott at the beginning of the decade and then moved on to really liking Martin Scorsese later in the decade.

-My interests are pretty evenly split between drama and comedy, and I've learned that my idea of a "comedy" is more like everyone else's "dark and weird".

Now I feel I should preface this list with a disclaimer. As the great blogger The Jolly Porter stated in his decade review, While they may not be the best films of the decade, they are the ones that seemed to have grabbed me most. Or, in the words of the British critic Derek Malcolm, these are the films that I "could not bear the thought of never seeing again."

Alright that enough talk. Here is the countdown:

25. Lars and the Real Girl (2007): A wonderfully bizarre and touching film. The unconventional premise of a young man's relationship with a life-size doll he ordered from the internet, needlessly scared many people away from this film. There is NOTHING to fear. This is one of my PG-13 films, so go see it!

24. Zombieland (2009): I can certainly appreciate a quirky coming of age film as this list will show, but combined with a post-apocalyptic Zombie movie, well now that's just great entertainment.

23. Juno (2007): Like I said, I enjoy a quirky coming of age story and teen pregnancy is hysterical... if you're the guy. Oh Snap!

22. Almost Famous (2000): Look at that, yet another quirky coming of age film. I liked this one just a bit better than Juno, less female hormonal stuff.

21. Lost in Translation (2003): Completely unique. Simple, thoughtful, and so well crafted. Bill Murray at his finest.

20. Snatch (2000): Guy Richie's fast paced style film making inundates his viewers with information and somehow manages to wraps itself up in a perfect little bow seconds before the credits roll. And quite possibly Brad Pitt's best performance of the decade.

19. Up (2009): Easily Pixar's finest achievement. So simply and yet uniquely whimsical and engaging. Unlike Wall-E, which is equally stunning visually, the depth of character in Up is vastly superior and thus emotionally engaging.

18. The Road (2009): Generally when I go into a film with high expectations, it not only fails, it fails epically (case & point- The Forgotten). The Road did not disappoint. It was just as frightening, restless, and disturbing as it was supposed to be. Fascinating commentaries on humanity, fear, and survival.

17. Little Miss Sunshine (2006): The dysfunctional journey of a dysfunctional family of chain-smoking, suicidal, heroine addicts as they chase the improbable dream of their chubby 9 year old girl who wants to be a beauty pageant queen. Honestly, what's not to like about that?

16. Pan's Labyrinth (2006): A foreign film (Spain) with a fascinating & gripping storyline, absolutely astounding visuals, and wonderful imagination. It is dark and disturbing, but almost impossible to look away.

15. Big Fish (2003): This film resonated with me on a very personal level. It was beautiful and filled with the magic of Tim Burton's wild imagination. Also a PG-13.

14. There Will Be Blood (2007): No doubt it is a masterpiece and will be mentioned for years to come alongside film's like Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Schindler's List. Your children will study it in film class.

13. In Bruges (2008): I saw this at the Sundance Film Festival and simply could not stop laughing. So strange and wildly unpredictable with a substantial plot and characters.

12. Gangs of New York (2002): This is worth seeing just for Daniel Day Lewis. Possibly his best performance ever. In fact a good cast all around. A fascinating period piece that changed my perceptions of history. That's a big deal, right?

11. Hannibal (2001): Better than Silence of the Lambs and here's why: 1. Hannibal Lecture outside his cell and moving about the world as he pleases =scary. 2. Gary Oldman as one of the creepiest creepers ever. 3. Julianne Moore not Jodie Foster.

10. Gladiator (2000): There is really nothing to critic in this film. It is an awe-inspiring epic for the ages.

9. In America (2002): A deeply touching film. I don't know that I've ever seen a film that has taken me on such a roller-coaster ride of emotions. The acting is amazing!!! This is a MUST SEE FILM and there is no excuse-- it is PG-13.

8. V For Vendetta (2005): This film caught me totally by surprise, and that doesn't happen very often. It is uniquely beautiful in both presentation and plot. I ceremoniously remember to watch it on the 5th of November each year.

7. Children of Men (2006): Such an interesting premise on which to create a film. From a film-making perspective, to this day I can not get over the continuous shoot that follows down several flights of stairs. Simply an amazing feat in and of itself. I was mildly surprised to find it was not written by Cormac McCarthy.

6. Memento (2000): I was absolutely blown away the first time I watched this film. I think part of my brain seeped out of my ear. Absolutely riveting, original, and challenging. I dare you to try and watch it only once. I DARE YOU!!!

5. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004): Another very interesting premise as is the usual of Charlie Kaufman. This film simply sucks you from beginning to end. It is beautiful and unique love story and manages to mess with you mentally, emotionally, morally philosophically, in a way I've yet to experience elsewhere.

4. The Departed (2006): I heart Jack Nicholson, I heart Alec Baldwin, I heart Mark Walberg, and I heart Martin Scorsese. How could I not heart this film? It is an intense, well created film with all the makings of a classic Shakespearean tragedy.

3. No Country for Old Men (2007): In my book, the Cohen brothers can do no wrong and in this film they did a whole lot of good. It is the ultimate Anti-hero film. No doubt Anton Chigurh is one of the scariest bad guys ever.

2. Amelie (2001): This foreign film (French) is so full of life. It is so energetic, colorful, spontaneous, and playful you can't help but fall in love. I can guarantee three things if you watch this film: 1. It will make you happy. 2. It will make you hate Travelocity's blatant rip-off of the traveling gnome. 3. It will be one your favorite movies of the decade as well.

1. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001): It is Wes Anderson's most significant film to date. This film forever changed the way I think and feel about film. A great film has great characters and The Royal Tenenbaums is absolute proof. It is sharp, subtle, and surprisingly sensitive. It has influenced me creatively more so than any other film I imagine ever could.


Honorable Mentions:
No single entry from these trilogies was able to crack my top 25; however as collective works, they are certainly deserving of mention.

Batman Begins (2005)/Dark Knight (2008): Christopher Nolan is a great film maker and easily the best thing to happen for Batman and DC comics over the past decade. I love the darkness of these films.

The Bournes (2002,2004,2007): Exciting, intense, smart, fun, cool, entertaining... anything else, oh yeah Bad Ass!

Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001,2002,2003): An absolutely amazing epic. What an great accomplishment to translate those novels to film.

All these films were released in 2009, and merit a posting of their own, but since I'm not going to do a "2009 Movies- Year in Review", I'll just add them here as a post-script:

Inglorious Bastards: One of Tarantino's finest. Funny, intense, violent. Immensely entertaining.

Adventureland: Another Sundance film and yet another quirky and witty coming of age story set in the 1980's. Very entertaining and enduring.

Mary and Max: A black & white (and a little red) animated stop-motion film out of Australia I saw at Sundance. I know it sounds like a snooze, it is anything but. So simple, but so thoughtful, witty, and so worth seeing. It is PG. I'm not sure where you can find it, but it is out there.

Fantastic Mr. Fox: I love Wes Anderson and I had been waiting for this film to be released for nearly a year and a half. A great story and fantastic cast. Go see it- PG.

Coraline: Yes this is the forth animated film I thoroughly enjoy this year, (also out of Australia). It was dark and eerie, and not really for children-- unless of course you've get those creepy Children of the Corn-type kids and then I suppose it is alright.


So that's it. I believe I've been quite thorough, but I'm sure I've missed something... and no doubt you'll feel the need to let me know what that is. Be my guest.

Help with your New Year's Resolutions

It is that time of year to set some goals and make New Year's resolutions. Nearly 50% of Americans makes New Year's resolutions, but according to Wikipedia (which is always 100% reliable) "research shows that while 52% of participants in a resolution study were confident of success with their goals, only 12% actually achieved their goals." The success rate goes up significantly when those resolutions are made public and garnish the support of family and friends. So I thought it would be a great to create a forum where you can announce your New Year's resolutions, and I will help you number among the 12%. Sound good?

Now everyone can participate, but obviously I already know that only about 50% of you actually will (per the above statistics). If you don't have resolutions yet the U.S. government has thoughtfully provided a thorough list of the most popular New Year's Resolutions (yes, our tax pay for this research) you can choose from. Here they are:

* Lose Weight
* Manage Debt
* Save Money
* Get a Better Job
* Get Fit
* Get a Better Education
* Drink Less Alcohol
* Quit Smoking Now
* Reduce Stress Overall
* Reduce Stress at Work
* Take a Trip
* Volunteer to Help Others

Now I know I have some multicultural readers out there (maybe) and so I've done a little research (save the U.S. government some time and money) and come up with the most popular New Year's resolutions from some other countries from around the world.

In Egypt the most popular resolution is:
* Walk the camels regularly
In Ireland the most popular resolution is:
* Find a Leprechaun and get his Lucky Charms
In Greenland the most popular resolution is:
* Learn to Surf
In Switzerland the most popular resolution is:
* Stop taking sides
In France the most popular resolution is:
* Visit one of those museums everyone's talking about
In Canada the most popular resolution is:
* Shovel the Driveway
In Australia the most popular resolution is:
* Find and Kill Paul Hogan
In Japan the most popular resolution is:
* Take more photos
In Mexico the most popular resolution is:
* Figure out how they get the candy inside those Pinatas
In China the most popular resolution is:
* Take over the World

Well I think that about does it. Happy New Year everyone!

Late Night Christmas Wishes

If you've read my blog at all over the past year or so, you'll know that I am a fan of Late Night talk shows and specifically The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. Here's a little diddy from The Tonight Show I feel I needed to share. I want to dedication this song to Utah-- I know we are at odds right now (20 day & counting sans-The Road), but it is not beneath me to wish you a Merry Christmas!



The clip is a little long (3 mins, something) and you'll have to wait through a cell phone commercial or something like that before the clip even runs-- I'm not doing a very good job of selling this clip. Just watch it!

Thanksgiving & Halloween Recap

I'm sure there must be at least one person out there that has been wringing their hands with anxious excitement for me to re-visit the world of blogging and finally post something, right? No? Well I'm still going to post something anyways.

So I've been in this big fight lately with Utah. She's is being absolutely ridiculous! Seriously I would slap her in the mouth if I could (probably lick my hand first too so it would sting more). Of course like any great feud, it start over the holidays. Now I'm not a "Holiday Guy" per-say, but I was actually looking forward to this Thanksgiving because the film "The Road" based on the Cormac McCarthy novel (same guy who wrote No Country For Old Men) was being released nationally on the 27th. Well it turns out that Utah has removed herself from these here United States of America and she chose not to pick up on the "National" release of the film, but instead she's decided to renew the putrid drivel of Stephenie Meyers (Utah's own) in every damn theater so that every swooning teenage girl in the state can at least for 130 minutes keep from cutting themselves. SERIOUSLY!!!! I'm mad as hell and am about this close to buying one of those pneumatic cattle guns and going postal. You are being completely unreasonable Utah! It has been nearly 2 weeks that the rest of the country has been able to enjoy Viggo Mortensen's dashing good looks once again on the big screen. How can you deprive us any longer? I am living in a third world country in the middle of the American mid-west!!! If anyone knows where I can see this movie in Utah or where I can send a similarly strong-worded letter, please let me know.

So obviously Thanksgiving was totally ruined. Halloween; however was just as good as ever. This year I was pretty busy so I didn't have a ton of time to make/create an elaborate costume so I bought one (well most of one) online. I was Jack Skellington from Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas. Here's the final product. Obviously buying a "one size fits all" costume online requires a great deal of alterations in order to look any good-- for that I must thank my very talented wife, who not only tailored the jacket to my slender frame but made those gloves with the exceptionally long fingers. I added the Santa hat just to make it a little more unique. I was quite please and manage to win a cool $250 at our office Halloween costume contest. Not too shabby!
However my favorite costume of the year goes to my very own offspring young Jefferson Delmar Templeman who boldly chose the obscure comic book hero Astro Boy. Originally the plan was to go topless (as seen above), but it was a little too chilly. Again boots and belt courtesy of Mom. I made the arm cannons. I didn't think he would be willing to commit to the hair coloring and make-up, but he did a great job and was in character most of the day.

Well I think I've written enough for today. I don't want to overload you on my first day back.

You've Got a Friend in Me

This is getting ridiculous-- according to Facebook I have over 400 friends. Come on, everyone knows that is a gross exaggeration of the truth. I can rarely find one friend to go golfing with, or watch the game with on the weekend. And now every time I look at that "421 Friends" on Facebook it just makes me feel like even more of a loser because essentially what it means is, "you have 421 Friends and none of them want to hang out with you". I'm sure it is a two way street, in fact I'm willing to come right out and admit it-- I'm not very good at being friends.

I'm a fantastic acquaintance, but a friend only so-so. I think it just comes down to laziness. I'm not necessarily lazy just more relaxed, chill, low stress. Maintaining a friendship is none of those things, and so I don't do it well. Being someones friend requires time and energy from both parties. The real problem is the people I would want to be good friends with are just as or lazier than me, thus making the required effort from each party that much more unlikely.

So I'm doomed to be a loner-- that's fine, but I think my Facebook profile should reflect that. In the beginning it was like popularity contest for the unpopular (myself included) to collect as many friends as possible, but now I feel like an impostor-- like I've gotten an invite to the high rollers table but can't afford the valet parking. So there's my dilemma-- I've got 421 "Friends" how do I go about tactfully reducing that number? Even asking that question can open a can of worms. Just because I want to reduce my Friends list doesn't mean I want to get rid of you (assume you're on my Friend list). See I don't want to lose friends that are really my friends (or acquaintances that I'm holding out hope will one day really be my friends)-- like, "Oh he didn't want to be my friend, then I don't want to be his friend either". That may not be the case, though I'm not going to lie, there are people on my Friends list that that I just don't want to be friends with, but that said I don't want them to be enemies either-- I've got plenty of those (a post for another day).

Here are some dramatization of future situations I'd like to avoid if possible:
(I'll use the generic names of Jack & Jill for these examples)

Scenario #1

ME: Jack? Jack? Is that you? Oh my goodness! I haven't seen you in forever. How have you been?

JACK: Good.

ME: What is that a wedding ring? Dude you got married!

JACK: Yeah I did.

ME: When?

JACK: Two months ago. We got married on a cruise.

ME: Oh that sounds awesome. Wish I could have come.

JACK: I invited everyone of my friends on Facebook.

ME: (awkward) Oh really? I must not have seen it. I'm terrible at keeping up to date on those event requests things.

JACK: Yeah I figured as much, which is why I went into my friends list to find you to personally send you an invite to the wedding. Turns out though, you weren't in my friends list. Which was strange because I remember adding you on November 23rd when the Colts played the Chargers-- you said you were going to be at that game.

ME: That's weird. [lie] Probably just a glitch or something.

JACK: Yeah see that's what I thought too, so I contacted my friend Peter Piper, you know him right? He was on your Facebook friends list at one point. Well he works as a Facebook administrator and he told me that according to the records that you willfully removed he and I from your friends list on Aug 11th 2009 along with 171 others.

ME: (gulp)

JACK: Yeah. Peter turned around and created a Facebook group called 'Ryan is a Giant Dillweed'. Guess how many member we have?

ME: (shrug)

JACK: 171. You're a real doucebag Ryan. You think you're too good to be my friend?

ME: No I don't, really.

JACK: Yeah, cause I'm too good to be your friend, you get it?

ME: I do. It's true. But for the record you know, we hadn't ever talked or chat on Facebook or had any other communication otherwise for that matter in like 12 years.

JACK: I sent you an invitation to my 21st birthday party.

ME: I moved.

JACK: You're full of excuses. I thought you were my friend. I gave you lunch money in tenth grade and you said you'd pay me back-- and I said, "don't worry about it your my friend". (sniffle) Do you remember that? Do you?!

ME: Yeah... vaguely.

JACK: I want it back.

ME: What?

JACK: The money. I want it back-- with interest.

ME: Interest?

JACK: Yes. Compounded annually at 12.5%.

ME: Will you take a check?


Scenario #2

ME: Excuse me? You look very familiar to me. Is your name Jill? Did you go to Folkstone elementary school.

JILL: [punches Ryan in the nuts] That's for removing me from your Facebook friends list you A--hole. I told all my friends that I knew this guy who was in the High School Musical movie and when they called me on it the only way I could prove it to them was to show you were my friend on Facebook, but when I went to show them you weren't anymore. All my friends laughed at me for claiming to know the most obscure actor (and worst dancer) in that whole movie. Thanks to you I started cutting again and became bulimic. You ruined my life. I hate you!

ME: (gasping) I need a doctor.

JILL: You need to shut up is what you need. Thankfully Peter sent me and invite to his 'Ryan is a Giant Dillweed' site and I made a ton of new friends all based on our common hatred of you. I can't wait to get on there and post that I got to punch you in the nuts in person-- I'm going to be so popular.

ME: (still pained) I just want you to be happy.

JILL: And I want nothing but your misery, you scumbag. Peace out loser!


Does anyone have any suggestions or success stories on 'How to lose friends on Facebook'?-- I'm thinking that would be a good name for my autobiography.

P.S. -- Should you feel that you may be one of the proverbial 171, feel free to campaign for my continued friendship. People at the greatest risk are: 1. Co-workers I don't really like but added out of a false sense of obligation, 2. Kids who used to beat me up in Junior High, and 3. People I don't recognize at all from my past or current life.

40 is the new 30... and 50 is the new dead

I don't really follow any real celebrity personalities. I really just don't care about who their dating, or 'wearing', or if they like to play bongos in the buff-- (who doesn't really). However, the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and... believe it or not Billy Mays actually made me a little sad. Not tears or depression-- nothing that would cause me to travel to the Walk of Fame on a commemorative pilgrimage. Without disrespect, I compare it to washing your pants and realizing there was a twenty dollar bill in the pocket-- an "ah crap, I just ruined a twenty" moment. Not a huge deal, but you start thinking about what you could have done with that twenty and you're a little sad. That was me.

In honor of Michael Jackson's life (not death) I wore a sparkly glove from June 25 until the end of the month and listened to nothing but Michael Jackson (or Jackson 5) on my iPod. I think it was very difficult not to have an opinion on Michael Jackson-- mine was that he really was Peter Pan, a boy that never grow up. The death of an icon is an event. People can tell you where they were when they heard that other musical legends Elvis Presley and John Lennon had died. Jackson revolutionized the music (and dance) world and I for one will miss him.

The King is dead.

Now this one surprised me. Billy Mays. I watch the Discovery Channel show Pitchmen devotedly, not because I was a fan of any of the characters, but more so for the inventions and tools coming to market-- the journey grabbed my attention and I was hooked. It was only in a recent memorial tribute to Billy Mays where he was described as "a big burly, bear-of-a-man with a kind and soft heart" that I realize why his passing moreso than that of any other famous personality affected me. My father who shared those same qualities also passed at the age of 50 from severe heart failure.

They shared other common attributes as well.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE... oh wait, nevermind. Sadly that is all there was.

You'll be missed!

Summer Recap

I've been busy, thus I've not posted in awhile.

For a visual recap of my life over the past month or so click here.

A Shameless Plug for Anticitrade

So my last post was a little bit of a promo piece for a movie I was in, and just to show that I'm not an ego-maniacle, attention whore I will promote something that has nothing to do with me.

Awhile back a few friends of mine got involved in a small online based company called Anticitrade. I had been milling around the idea of investing in the stock market. It seemed to me that this is the right time to start. Either the market will go back up and I'll make some good money or it will continue to go down, currency will become meaningless, and we'll all beginning trading in ammunition and firearms. And really when I think about it-- playing in the stock market is like playing fantasy football, except you're not totally waiting your time.

So getting into the Stock Market is all fine and dandy, but where do you start. There are thousands upon thousands of publically traded companies. Do you just guess? Turns out most investors do-- they just guess. That seems crazy to me. No wonder most people can't tolerate the risks associated with the Stock Market. There is just no way to really "know" how the market will react. If only there was a way to minimize this risk, sift through the mounts of companies, and anticipate the market: Enter Anticitrade.

See a smart investor will wad through a number of stocks in a cetain sector or industry they believe will go up (i.e. Summer time is approaching, more people are driving, more gas & oil consumption; therefore those industry stock should go up.). They'll research a number of these companies, look at their quarterly reports, compare them, and only if these fundamentals are strong will they invest their money. Completing this kind of comprehensive ratio and financial analysis is both time consuming and beyond the capability of the average investor and certainly well beyond my capability. Anticitrade essentially does this work for you. Using publicly available information, Anticitrade does a full analysis of a stock; comprehensive research into a company's financial statements, competitive position, ratio analysis, and macroeconomic changes... and the cream rises to the top (in a simply easy to understand spreadsheet).

Now I'm not saying this should replace your own research, but it is certainly a great place to start. Think of it like looking for the most delicious apple in a bushel basket as opposed to on the ground of the orchard. Almost all those apple's in the basket are gonna taste pretty good (who knows what you're going to find on the ground), thus reducing your risk of getting worms.

I've been doing the beta testing for this site since March and I've been easily beating the market averages for the past 6 weeks. I'm making my money work me and I'm seeing great returns.

If you're interested check them out anticitrade.com.

I think this guy and the guy from the "Talking Politics" entry should be best friends.

What do you think?

Another Late Night

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy: Alright, we'll okay that's weird.

[he snickers for just a little too long]

Jimmy: K. My next guest has a small bit part in the recently released S. Darko-- which was recently released, April 28th. Please welcome to the show Ryan Templeman.

[the band plays really loud to mask the fact that no one in the audience is clapping]

[Ryan and Jimmy shake hands. Jimmy leans in awkwardly thinking I may be a "hand shake hug". It is not. Ryan takes a seat on the couch.]

Jimmy: Welcome to the show.

Ryan: Thanks. This is a really nice couch.

Jimmy: That couch is from R.C. Willey-- as is all of our wonderful furniture here. R.C. Willey has the best couches, chairs, desks, pretty much anything and everything money can buy-- and I think Page Davis is hot! Am I right?

Ryan: About Page Davis or the furniture?

Jimmy: [he snickers] Wow. So I have here that you're from Canada, but I noticed that you said couch and not chesterfield. What's the deal?

Ryan: Oh yeah well if it is any consolation I wore my tuque to the studio.

Jimmy: I was going to say your hair looks kind of matted.

Ryan: Thanks. Maybe you could spare one of those half dozen hairstylist I saw back stage.

Jimmy: We'll see what we can do during a commercial break. Okay so let talk about the movie. S. Darko is a sequel to the quite successful independent film from a few years back, Donnie Darko--right? With Jake Gyllenhall before he went all "Brokeback". [He laughs almost uncontrollably] Okay, okay, okay-- So tell em about your character?

Ryan: Um well I play a character named Mike and he's a small town kid with no direction or aspirations. You know he's that pot head degenerate that spent 7 years on the same spot of the couch.

Jimmy: So we spend 2 hours watching you sit on a couch.

Ryan: Gosh I wish I had that kind of face time. No, but there is a scene where I am on a couch-- or rather chesterfield.

Jimmy: So do you have a clip for us?

Ryan: If I do, I've never seen it.

Jimmy: So I shouldn't have you set this up for us.

Ryan: Yeah-- you can just run it.

Jimmy: Okay, let's run it.



Jimmy: Are you sure you're in this movie? I didn't see you.

Ryan: I didn't see me either. Maybe I'm not in it. I guess it is wholly possible I was completely cut out.

Jimmy: What are you doing on my show? You're a nobody.

Ryan: I know but it's not like I crashed your set here or anything, I got an invite and my name is on that door back there; granted it is written on piece of paper and stuck there with some Ticky Tac-- but it's there. You know this whole time I've been sitting here I'm thinking "Wow these guys are really desperate for interviews".

Jimmy: We are not desperate for interviews. We've got stars-- real stars lining up to get on this show. Ray Liotta was on here the other night.

Ryan: Oh I really liked him in Narc.

Jimmy: This is ridiculous. Nobody go and see this movie!

Ryan: That's not cool man. The soundtrack is supposed to be killer.

Jimmy: If you even see this movie in a Blockbuster or whatever turn it around or hide it behind a copy of Love Guru.

Ryan: Do you have something against Canadians?

Jimmy: Are you going to leave or do I have to call security.

Ryan: No I'll leave of my own volition but for the record I would have rather been on Conan, Leno, probably even Letterman cause well... your show of sucks.

Jimmy: Screw you. Security!

[Security rushes out and grabs Ryan by the arms and escorts him off stage]

Ryan: [screaming from behind the curtain] Avenge me Tina Fey! Avenge me!



_____________________________________________________________________________


Wasn't that fun?!
For the record none of that ever happened.
However I am in S. Darko (despite the trailer) which was released late last month.
I don't know if it's any good 'cause I haven't seen it-- so I'd feel weird about endorsing it, but if you want to see me in a movie, you could try that one. Good Luck!

Traditions of Our Fathers

In keeping with tradition...

Happy Cinco de Mustache from my family to yours!!

Pee, Poop, and Toot-- The Comedy Styllings of a 4 Year Old

Why is it that the mention of any bodily function and/or fluid so funny to a 4 year old? Just now using the words "bodily function and fluid" made me a little sick to my stomach. So why is it that the proper verbiage invokes queasiness and the more childish; Pee, Poop, and Toot create hours of laughter for those of us who are immature enough. I guess that's not really the point of this post-- but if you've got any ideas let me know.

Here are some of Jefferson's cleaner jokes. Enjoy!

Joke 1
J: How does a horse count to 10?

Me: I don't know. How?

J: With his fingers.


Joke 2
J: Knock Knock

Me: Who's there?

J: Doctor.

Me: Doctor Who?

J: Nope. It's Doctor House. (who happens to be Jefferson television nemesis)


Joke 3
J: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: I don't know. Why?

J: Maybe there was something over there he wanted.


Joke 4
J: How does a camel count to 25?

Me: How?

J: Sitting down.


Joke 5
J: Knock Knock

Me: Who's there?

J: Wolverine

Me: Wolverine who?

J: You know! Wolverine from X-Men.



Spontaneous Thought: If I ever decide to write a kid's show it will be called Professor Peepoop n ' Toot-- like Yo Gabba Gabba, but with Professor Peepoop n ' Toot instead of D.J. Lance and the little characters will be large plush representations of various bacterias, viruses, and chemicals Professor Peepoop n ' Toot has been experimenting with. One will undoubtedly be Methane. Hours of fun!