You've Got a Friend in Me

This is getting ridiculous-- according to Facebook I have over 400 friends. Come on, everyone knows that is a gross exaggeration of the truth. I can rarely find one friend to go golfing with, or watch the game with on the weekend. And now every time I look at that "421 Friends" on Facebook it just makes me feel like even more of a loser because essentially what it means is, "you have 421 Friends and none of them want to hang out with you". I'm sure it is a two way street, in fact I'm willing to come right out and admit it-- I'm not very good at being friends.

I'm a fantastic acquaintance, but a friend only so-so. I think it just comes down to laziness. I'm not necessarily lazy just more relaxed, chill, low stress. Maintaining a friendship is none of those things, and so I don't do it well. Being someones friend requires time and energy from both parties. The real problem is the people I would want to be good friends with are just as or lazier than me, thus making the required effort from each party that much more unlikely.

So I'm doomed to be a loner-- that's fine, but I think my Facebook profile should reflect that. In the beginning it was like popularity contest for the unpopular (myself included) to collect as many friends as possible, but now I feel like an impostor-- like I've gotten an invite to the high rollers table but can't afford the valet parking. So there's my dilemma-- I've got 421 "Friends" how do I go about tactfully reducing that number? Even asking that question can open a can of worms. Just because I want to reduce my Friends list doesn't mean I want to get rid of you (assume you're on my Friend list). See I don't want to lose friends that are really my friends (or acquaintances that I'm holding out hope will one day really be my friends)-- like, "Oh he didn't want to be my friend, then I don't want to be his friend either". That may not be the case, though I'm not going to lie, there are people on my Friends list that that I just don't want to be friends with, but that said I don't want them to be enemies either-- I've got plenty of those (a post for another day).

Here are some dramatization of future situations I'd like to avoid if possible:
(I'll use the generic names of Jack & Jill for these examples)

Scenario #1

ME: Jack? Jack? Is that you? Oh my goodness! I haven't seen you in forever. How have you been?

JACK: Good.

ME: What is that a wedding ring? Dude you got married!

JACK: Yeah I did.

ME: When?

JACK: Two months ago. We got married on a cruise.

ME: Oh that sounds awesome. Wish I could have come.

JACK: I invited everyone of my friends on Facebook.

ME: (awkward) Oh really? I must not have seen it. I'm terrible at keeping up to date on those event requests things.

JACK: Yeah I figured as much, which is why I went into my friends list to find you to personally send you an invite to the wedding. Turns out though, you weren't in my friends list. Which was strange because I remember adding you on November 23rd when the Colts played the Chargers-- you said you were going to be at that game.

ME: That's weird. [lie] Probably just a glitch or something.

JACK: Yeah see that's what I thought too, so I contacted my friend Peter Piper, you know him right? He was on your Facebook friends list at one point. Well he works as a Facebook administrator and he told me that according to the records that you willfully removed he and I from your friends list on Aug 11th 2009 along with 171 others.

ME: (gulp)

JACK: Yeah. Peter turned around and created a Facebook group called 'Ryan is a Giant Dillweed'. Guess how many member we have?

ME: (shrug)

JACK: 171. You're a real doucebag Ryan. You think you're too good to be my friend?

ME: No I don't, really.

JACK: Yeah, cause I'm too good to be your friend, you get it?

ME: I do. It's true. But for the record you know, we hadn't ever talked or chat on Facebook or had any other communication otherwise for that matter in like 12 years.

JACK: I sent you an invitation to my 21st birthday party.

ME: I moved.

JACK: You're full of excuses. I thought you were my friend. I gave you lunch money in tenth grade and you said you'd pay me back-- and I said, "don't worry about it your my friend". (sniffle) Do you remember that? Do you?!

ME: Yeah... vaguely.

JACK: I want it back.

ME: What?

JACK: The money. I want it back-- with interest.

ME: Interest?

JACK: Yes. Compounded annually at 12.5%.

ME: Will you take a check?


Scenario #2

ME: Excuse me? You look very familiar to me. Is your name Jill? Did you go to Folkstone elementary school.

JILL: [punches Ryan in the nuts] That's for removing me from your Facebook friends list you A--hole. I told all my friends that I knew this guy who was in the High School Musical movie and when they called me on it the only way I could prove it to them was to show you were my friend on Facebook, but when I went to show them you weren't anymore. All my friends laughed at me for claiming to know the most obscure actor (and worst dancer) in that whole movie. Thanks to you I started cutting again and became bulimic. You ruined my life. I hate you!

ME: (gasping) I need a doctor.

JILL: You need to shut up is what you need. Thankfully Peter sent me and invite to his 'Ryan is a Giant Dillweed' site and I made a ton of new friends all based on our common hatred of you. I can't wait to get on there and post that I got to punch you in the nuts in person-- I'm going to be so popular.

ME: (still pained) I just want you to be happy.

JILL: And I want nothing but your misery, you scumbag. Peace out loser!


Does anyone have any suggestions or success stories on 'How to lose friends on Facebook'?-- I'm thinking that would be a good name for my autobiography.

P.S. -- Should you feel that you may be one of the proverbial 171, feel free to campaign for my continued friendship. People at the greatest risk are: 1. Co-workers I don't really like but added out of a false sense of obligation, 2. Kids who used to beat me up in Junior High, and 3. People I don't recognize at all from my past or current life.

My First Presidential Vote

As promised, a blog and some pictures of my first presidential vote. It was about what I expected-- and really exciting! I cut my hair specifically for the occasion... that way I wouldn't have to hear the audible mumblings of "Damn Hippie" from the other (more patriotic) Americans in line.Look at me being a responsible American citizen supporting the Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, where Freedom reigns like Cats and Dogs, Red, White, and Blue through and through baby. Take that Putin!

Now I'm not going to pretend like I was the most informed voter at the polls that day-- there are far too many "know-it-alls" lobbying for that honor as it is. No, I must be honest I was caught of guard by a few of the ballot items, but I just took a deep breath, concentrated, and focused my mind on the right answer. The results are finally in and I'm proud to announce I got 53% of my votes correct! That includes leaving only one question blank and a number of write-in votes for Lou Diamond Phillips, Santana, Mickey Rooney, Perry Mason, and Carol Burnett. Some of you may be saying, "53% that's not a good result" and to you I say, "If it is good enough to win President-Elect, it's good enough for me."All things considered, I'm quite happy with that result, but I can't take all the credit-- there was a little luck involved.Those of you considering bringing a lucky nickle to the polls next year, you may also want to consider bringing a die as well-- as there are a number of questions with more than two possible answers and often I found myself flipping the coin a number of times per question as I conducted a crude and impromptu elimination process.

Regardless my congratulations to Barrack Obama and running mate Joe Bidden on their historic win-- but as far as I'm concerned there are no losers here. I would now like to take the time to present some token honors and awards to the other various presidential and vice presidential candidates not fortunate enough to be Democrats during this paticular election season.

Just for being a part of the 2008 Presidential race Cynthia McKinney and Rosa Clemente of the Green party will both be receiving brand new 2009 Hummer H3Ts. That's right Ladies the 'T' is for Turbo! And Charles Jay and Thomas Knapp of the Boston Tea party will each receive $50 gift certificates to Starbucks and a formal invite to the twenty-first century. While Brian Moore and Stewart Alexander of the actual Socialist party have recieved free one-way tickets on China Airlines to beautiful Xīnyíng, Communist China. Zai Jain fellas, Zai Jain!

Good news for Ralph Nader he has been awarded an honorary "Lifetime Achievement" award for all his... achievements... and spirit!

The award for "Life of the Party" goes to Gene Amondson of the Prohibition party. Way to go Gene, drinks are on me!

Of course it wouldn't be America if we didn't have a dazzling Prom Queen-- was there any doubt... it's... Sarah Palin. [the crowd roars]. What a vision of beauty, absolutely ravishing!

Last but certainly not least-- To John McCain I award the highly coveted Purple Heart for bravery, courage, and grace in the face of almost certain defeat. I solute you good Sir! Good show!

To all involved-- the politicians, the voters, the volunteers, the ralliers, the liberal media, the talk radio personalities, the hate mongerers, the list goes on and on-- I simply want to say thanks for making this 2008 Presidential election so entertaining-- give yourselves a pat on the back. Bravo!

**No Awards were actually presented. In all cases these awards, honors, and parting gifts were complete fabrications.**

Talking Politics with a Damn Canadian

Let's just get it out in the open! For the record I was not born and raised in America, however much it pains you to believe it-- I am an American! Now, I'm willing to admit it's possible I just don't understand all the subtle nuances that makes the American democratic process the greatest in the world--maybe it is, I'm just not convinced. See in my observation there are at least 5 types of voters in America, and yet only 2 parties: Democrat and Republican.


Democrats want the government to be an active influence in their daily life. Providing fundamental support to those in need whether in food, finance, or health care. The poor or lower income families are generally Democrats as they are in most need of these reliefs. They are essentially just "woe is me", bleeding hearts looking for a handout: a free trip in the Land of the Free at the expense of the hardworking middle and upper classes.

Republicans on the other hand feel government should have minimal influence in the lives of Americans. The United States was founded on this American Dream ideology-- be what you want to be without government controls and interference. Now those fortunate enough to be living the American Dream in wealth and income are Republican. Greedy, hoarding, pompous, and selfish capitalists eager to manipulate and hold down the lower and middle class for their personal gain.

So now you start to fragment a little more. You have the Conservatives-- these people vote strictly on moral grounds. They believe the world is headed down the sewer and we need to cling to our heritage and belief. "God Bless America", but He'll only do it if our President is Conservative Christian and in tune with God's will. A progressive society is threatening to their moral ground, but rather than be unpopular (like the Amish) they'd rather force you to be like them.

In contrast, you have the Liberals, they also vote on moral grounds. They believe a number of our American traditions to be unjust, alienating, or even barbaric. Many Liberals are Liberals simply because they find themselves on the other side of one of these issues. These are the "boat-rockers" or "envelope-pushers" if you will. They no longer want to be ridiculed for their ridiculous un-conforming behaviors; however once their behavior is "accepted" they will feel the need to un-conform once again, thus creating an expanding and growing list of ridiculous behaviors the rest of us will have to endure and explain to our children.

The Democrats embrace the Liberals while the Republicans align themselves with the Conservatives and it seems that regardless of the issues the words Democrat & Liberal and Republican & Conservative are nearly interchangeable now. Which to me is unfortunate, what about the Democratic Conservatives? or the Liberal Republicans? It sounds like an oxymoron, but those people exists and yet they do not have a party to voice they're position. I've found most of these people will vote based on their moral position rather than political position. So a Democratic Conservative is actually a Republican and a Liberal Republican is a Democrat.

Voter movement between these two parties is generally infrequent. Because these ideologies are polar opposites it is unlikely that someone will fully moves from one party to another within a single election term. Hell it took 8 years for everyone to finally start hating the George W. Furthermore the moral politics make it even more difficult. Even if you don't like the current Republican government under Bush you're likely still Conservative and will thus vote Republican hoping that it is just The President himself that is the problem and not the political strategies currently in place.

What is so exciting about this election is there are two brand new voter fragments thrown into the mix. The Racists and the Sexists.

For some, simply the fact that Obama is black will be enough reason for them to vote for or against him regardless of his politics or moral stances. These are the Racists who see nothing but the color of a person's skin. Now to lessen the negativity around being a "black man" he is running with an old white guy, Joe Biden. Speaking of old white guys-- Not be outdone by biological and genetic non-factors in this election, John McCain has asked the female Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate on the Presidential ticket. Her estrogen and second place finish in the Miss Alaska Pageant will be the basis for the Sexists to vote either yah or nay to the Republican nominees on election day.
Sexist

Racist

Now the fifth category of voters; those who don't necessarily vote based on Republican, Democrat, Conservative, or Liberal platforms. They are the famed Undecided voters and generally the ones who decide the election. How do they decide? Well that's really the million dollar question. Some of them will undoubtly fall into the Racist and Sexist catagories which have already been mentioned, but this is where it comes down to the candidates themselves; thus the need for a Presidential debate which completely ruins your Thursday night of television. For the Undecided voter they ironically put all the politics aside looking to find a connection with one of the candidates, the one candidate that they believe will do the best job as President of these United States-- they don't really care what party they're in.

I've been an undecided the past two elections 2000 and 2004. I have never voted in the Presidential Election. The reason I didn't vote in 2000 is because I was living abroad, didn't have a US address, didn't follow the Presidential campaigns, and simply didn't bother to register. Out of sight, out of mind, right?! In 2004 I've was yet again undecided. I didn't necessarily want 4 more years of Bush, but I absolutely hated everything about John Kerry. It was like trying to choose what foot to have cut off. So I decided neither and didn't vote. Yeah I could have voted for Nader, but why bother? Express my discontent? I'm doing that now in my blog. Why waste my time, energy, gas, and vote on Nader?

That's a bad attitude, I know-- but I think that there are a great many Undecided voters out there that feel the same way. No candidate or party truly reflects the way they wish to cast their votes. I took a Political Alignment quiz online during the Primaries this year-- it's a quiz that asks you a series of questions and then tells you what candidate best fits your politics and moral stances. Once it was all said and done it matched me with my "best candidate" a 22 percent match. That's it-- 22 percent! That means I disagree with more than 3/4 of what they are saying. No wonder I'm undecided-- there is no candidate for me. Regardless I will be voting this year. Maybe I'll blog and upload pictures about "My First Presidential Vote".
Now, many of you may be saying "Damn Canadian, if you don't like it go back to where's you came from!" To that I say, Canada's political system is not much better and while they have significantly more parties to choose from in an election (ones I do align with better) once one of these parties is elected only about 20 percentage of the population is happy with that result. At least in the U.S. after the election approximately 50 percent of the population believes they got what they wanted. I don't know what the ideal is, but there are some obvious flaws in this American democratic process. I don't know that they are taking suggestions right now to refined or change the way things are done-- but I'd be at least curious to know if anyone else feels as I do.

P.S-- Happy Thanksgiving to all you Canucks and good luck with your election!