Late Night

I'm a pretty vivid dreamer. Not sure whether this was a conscientious or subconsciencious dream happening somewhere between falling asleep and being asleep. I don't want to make a habit of blogging about my dreams... that's just lame, but I feel I have to with this one.


I was on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

Conan: Our first guest tonight is the star of an upcoming movie. Please welcome to the stage Mr. Ryan Templeman.

I enter as the crowd claps politely.

Conan: Welcome to the show.

Ryan: Thanks for having me. How's the new late night treating you?

Conan: I thought I would ask the questions, but okay... this show sucks. It is slowly eating me alive. And I cry myself to sleep every night... on a bed full of money. [Evil Laugh that turns to a cry and then a sigh]. So I've been looking forward to chatting with you ever since I found out you were coming on the show... fifteen minutes ago. So apparently you're psychic?

Ryan: I suppose a little bit, though I've yet to figure out how to use my power for evil.

Conan: No really, a couple years ago you wrote a blog about this very encounter.

Ryan: It's not nearly as interesting as it sounds. Just goofing around I wrote about being on your show.

Conan: How long ago?

Ryan: It was awhile ago. Maybe...

Conan: Wait. I feel like we need some creepy music. Can I get some creepy music?

the music from 'In the Year 2000' begins to play.

Conan: Excellent. Please continue.

Ryan: So I wrote a dialog between myself and you and posted it on my blog.

Conan: I actually have a copy of that dialog you wrote here. Do you mind if I read it?

I smile, try to look hesitant, and quickly oblige the cheering audience.
Conan reads the dialog [that you're reading now] aloud.

Conan: Wow. That's fascinating stuff. And you know what else is fascinating? The new movie your in. See how I did that transition. I'm a legend. That's why I get paid the 'beaucoup' bucks. [Evil Laugh that turns to a cry and then a sigh]. Alright so I understand we have a clip from your new movie. You wanna set it up for us.

Ryan: No thanks.

Conan laughs.

Ryan: It's self-explanatory.

Conan: Alright let's run the clip.

A clip of some movie plays.

Conan: And there you have it. Ryan thanks for being on the show.

Ryan: Thank you.

Conan: Go see this movie. We'll be right back with Parker Posey.

Ryan: I love Parker Posey. Mind if I stick around? I'll behave.

Conan: You have my permission, but just remember, She is mine!

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So there it is. Hopefully now you can see why I felt like I needed to blog this.

Postcards from Paris

For some reason I like to think because I'm an 'artist' (in some form), I am therefore a good photographer. Why that is, I'm not entirely sure. It probably falls into the same egotistical catergory that causes actors to play the political savant on talk shows.

Reagrdless here are some pictures I took of my trip to Paris that I believe could be sold as postcards. Judge for yourself.

I'll go from what I consider best to worst. Most of them are black and white-- because otherwise there's colors to deal with and that requires real talent.

Sacre Coeur

I took this picture under great duress whilest a persistant gentleman
tried to get me to put my finger in a string.



L'Arc de Triomphe

The couple walking in the background is actually two woman, though I don't think you can really tell. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

The Effiel Tower

Why say anything else?

La Fountaine des Innocents

This is my favorite fountain in Paris (though I've never seen it working).

It is so massive and yet the only place the water comes from

is that little fountain in the middle.

Chateau de Versailles

Like everywhere in Paris,

you need to be on the look out for people stealing your stuff--

even angels are bad news.

Just some apartment building

When you're surrounded by beautiful towering monuments,

sometimes you just forget to look around at the little things in this city.

Dali Museum

This isn't really a great picture, but I'm a big fan of Dali so I included it anyway.

Here are a couple other "not great pictures-- but personal favorites".

La Jeune Martyre

This is probably my favorite non-Dali painting.

It's pretty morbid, I know, but for some reason I can't not stare at it.

The Winged Victory of Samothrace

Easily my favorite sculpture. She is one foxy lady.

These are two pictures Andrea took-- and I think they're pretty awesome.

Prayer Candles in Notre Dame

Sculptures of guys looking at their penises. Yeah she's a sicko!

My Nigerian Prince

A few years back there was this widely spoken of email going around about a Nigerian Prince. I always wanted to get that email. There was just something exciting, romantic even about it-- a Nigerian Prince sending me an email. So you can well imagine my surprise when I found this email in my inbox the other day.

It's not from a Prince, it's from a doctor (the second best thing), with connections to Nigeria (from my understanding, one of the most truthworthy places on earth). Apparently my Nigerian friends (I can only assume it's the Prince) have been trying to send me money all this time. Dr. Hassan (who thankfully had my email) contacted me about the failed wire transfers. There is some confusion we apparently need to clear up; someone owes Dr. Hassan $80,000-- I forwarded the email on to my health insurance, so hopefully they'll cover part of it. He is a doctor after all.


Man, I feel real bad for Dr. Hassan-- he is totally getting railroaded: he could lose his job, his wife could go to prison, and he's not getting paid for his work-- all this to help me get the funds my Nigerian Prince is trying to send me. Well I can make this right, I'll I need to do is:

1. Provide Dr. Hassan a good compensation (my discresion) for his hard work up to this point.
2. Not contact my Nigerian friends regarding this transaction (easy enough, I don't currently have any).
3. Stop paying the Central Bank of Nigeria Officers (oops... must be an auto-pay from my checking account).
4. Set up a U.S foreign account under my name for Mrs. Hassan and deposit the "fair compensation" (yet to be determined).
5. Endorse (which means 'sign' I think) a TT fund release approval documents so Mrs. Hassan can collect those funds. And finally...
6. Promise not to contact anyone at the Central Bank of Nigeria regarding Dr. Hassan's involvement in this transaction.

Six simple steps in order to gain the incalculable montary treasure the Pirnce has been trying to send me. I wonder how much it will be? Too much to mention in his email. Don't worry I won't forget about the little people.

This is the first thing I'm buying.

Oh and just cause you're jealous, don't try and tell me this is just a scam. It's way too complicated and complex to be completly made up. Beside Dr. Hassan wouldn't do that to me. He is a man of his word.

From the Desk of Dr. Usman Hassan

GOOD DAY,

RE: THE REASON WHY YOU HAVE NOT SUCCEEDED IN RECEIVING YOUR FUND

After waiting to hear from you or your Nigerian partner for a long time now, I decided to make this direct approach to you as my new resolution in other not to let it be if I have anything in mind against you. I do not know if you have asked yourself why each time the release of this fund is approved, all of a sudden, the payment will be stopped or one problem or the other will come up if you have not asked this question or you do not know, this is an opportunity for me to tell you.

Some time ago, your Nigerian friends, I mean the people that introduced you to the project approached me through my dear wife who work with the Federal Ministry of Finance and requested me to assist them conclude a money transfer deal they had with you. They requested me to assist them by removing the original contractor’s name, company’s name and bank particulars from the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) vetting computer and replacing them with your name and bank details in order to make you appear as the rightful beneficiary of this fund.

I agreed on condition that they will pay me US $80,000.00 as soon as your name appears as the beneficiary. I did as agreed and demanded to be paid, but your friends started telling me stories, they even told me you promised to send money to me.

Do you know that up till now, I have not received a single cent from them and have not set my eyes on any of them? Based on their attitude, I decided to stop the fund release movement because I cannot be denied of my right in my own office considering the risk as it might affect my job.. Secondly, I know the source of the funds that you did not execute any contract in Nigeria , although I am the only person privileged to know this information and it is a fact. Why I am making this clear to you is that I can see that you are still making efforts in order to conclude this project. Now I am ready to forget the past.

I do not need the US $80.000.00 any longer from you but a good compensation from your mind. I need your assurance that those colleagues will be totally kept out of this transaction. I know that none of them is aware of my new approach to you. Stop spending your money unnecessarily to CBN Officers both here and overseas because you will not receive this money without my hand in it. I personally did the work at the beginning and only I can perform it. Finally,

I need your promise that no official of the Central Bank of Nigeria will be aware of my involvement in this regard because of my position. Now re-assure me that you will be willing to compensate me and that you will assist my wife to establish a foreign account in your country where my compensation will be lodged. Also a TT FUND RELEASE APPROVAL DOCUMENTS will be sent to you for endorsement after which I will remit the money within 48 hours.

I am a man of my word. If you are ready to conclude this business with me, kindly contact me on my so that we can have a chat over this issue once and for all. But if the reverse is the case, do not bother yourself to reach me and forget about this money.

BEST REGARDS
Dr. Usman Hassan
Chair Payment Verification Panel

New Year, New Blog

I'm offically launching my new blog project. It is essentially a number of short scene and monologues I've written. Fear not, I will keep this one in order to vent and post life updates.


Please check it out http://scenesational.blogspot.com/
If you enjoy it-- I'd appreciate a plug.


Speaking of plugs, here's a link to a blog I just recently discovered.
http://myregisblog.blogspot.com/
If you're well versed in the Mormon culture, it's a good laugh. Enjoy!

The Auditioner

The Auditioner - watch more funny videos

Very funny and sadly very accurate.
Being an actor is so glamorous.

Great job Kate!

2008 Acheivement Awards

I'm a big fan of fabricating arbitrary awards that are otherwise meaningless, I guess I'm like Oprah in that way.
Here we go.

Best Movie Award
Nominees Included:
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
In Bruges
Lars and the Real Girl

The 2008 Winner of the "Best Movie" Award goes to...

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

I generally try to avoid terrible movies when at all possible. My in-laws, however have a strange fasination for them, so every once in a while I will test my mental dexterity by watching one.

The "Worst Movie" Award goes to... EAGLE EYE.

The "Movie Killer" Award
Nominees Included:
M. Night Shyamalan
Mike Myers
Shia LaBeouf

The "Movie Killer" Award goes to...

BRENDAN FRASER

Congratulations on two giant flops in 2008.


Favorite TV Series Award
Nominees Included:
Dexter
House
The Office

The 2008 Winner of the "Favorite TV Series" Award goes to...

Thank you Tina Fey for making at least one of the Baldwin's relevant again.

There is a fair amount of children television being watched in our household giving that we have a 3 year old. As you would expect, most of them are painful for adults with one exception.

The 2008 Winner of the "Favorite Kids Show" Award goes to...

YO GABBA GABBA

Soundtrack of 2008 Award
Nominees Included:
The Cure
Glen Phillips
Kate Bush
Neil Young

The Winner of "Soundtrack of 2008" Award goes to...

MORRISSEY

The 2008 "Repeat Album" Award goes to...

RADIOHEAD'S IN RAINBOWS

The 2008 "Musical Discovery" Award goes to...

RAY LAMONTAGNE

(Andrea is credited with this find)

Personal Photography Award
The 2008 Winner of the "Personal Photography" Award goes to...

REDRUM TUBBY

The 2008 Winner of the "Best Photo Compilation" Award goes to...

THE MANY FACES OF JEFFERSON TEMPLEMAN

Envy Awards
Female Envy Award Nominee Included:
Amy Ryan
Misty May-Treanor
Stevie Nicks

The 2008 Winner of the "Female Envy" Award goes to...

TINA FEY

The Sarah Palin thing just fell into her lap, but as the creator/writer and self effacing star of television's best show 30 Rock-- she deserves all of our envy. She hovers around a 7 on the "Hot Scale", but can be done up to a 8 or 9 with minimal effort.

Male Envy Award Nominee Included:
Asafa Powell
Ben Foster
Michael Jackson-- (money, music, and dance moves ONLY)

The 2008 Winner of the "Male Envy" Award goes to...

DAVID BECKHAM

'nough said!

The Ultimate Jagweed Award
Nominees Included:
Bill Belichick
Michael Phelps
Sean Hannity

The 2008 Winner of the "Ultimate Jagweed" Award goes to...

KIM JONG IL

Yes I realize Michael Phelps is petty in comparison to World War III, that why he didn't win... turns out he can't win everything. Belichick leaned that the hard way. Booyah!


Best Blog Post Award
Nominees Included:
Ma'Goon-- by Its the Life
The Story of Sally-- by My Friend Sally
There Will Be Blood DVD: The 3rd Revelation Edition-- Vox Espavesco, Vox Dei

The 2008 Winner of the "Best Blog Post" Award goes to... Lost-- by The Jolly Porter.

Good Times.

So This Is Chrismakwanzika

Every year it seems the politically correct jargon of this holiday season tends to puts a number of Stockings, Dashikis, and Yamikas in a bunch. What's most interesting to me is the disdain people have for the expression 'Happy Holidays' as though it were a personal insult.

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm not necessarily one for political correctness, but I certainly understand and accept it. The right to worship whomever and however one pleases is a fundamental human right and as such any entity, institution, or governing body comprised of more than one of those belief systems should be inclusive of all parties, and thus use the politically correct 'Happy Holidays'. In my opinion even a company with 99.9% of their staff being Christian should still maintain the 'Happy Holidays' greeting. Now there are exceptions to the rule: a Catholic school with obvious ties to Christian ideology could use 'Merry Christmas' though not all the students and/or staff may be Christians.

That said, just because your company wishes you 'Happy Holidays' doesn't mean you can't say 'Merry Christmas' or 'Happy Hanukkah' or 'Joyous Kwanzaa' to your co-workers. You are a human and have the right to your religious convictions and by saying 'Merry Christmas' you are expressing your faith. You shouldn't feel guilt or shame for well-wishing a friend, colleague, or stranger, regardless of your greeting. Now if someone were to wish me a Happy Hanukkah I would think one of two things 1) they are Jewish or 2) they've noticed the pronounced profile of my nose and believe I am Jewish. Regardless, I would accept their holiday greeting, it doesn't diminish my beliefs in any way, but what do I say back? Do I say Merry Christmas and run the risk of either insulting or embarrassing them? I think I would respond with a Happy Hanukkah, but then next year, during the holiday, I would be sure to greet them first with a hearty 'Merry Christmas'-- I wonder what they would say back? You know I think I may just start wishing people a 'Joyous Kwanzaa'. I don't know that I've ever heard anyone wish any one else a 'Joyous Kwanzaa'-- I've actually only ever met one person who celebrated Kwanzaa. If you celebrate Kwanzaa let me know. I would love to get a Joyous Kwanzaa card or even a Happy Hanukkah card for that matter. I wonder if they make a "There is no God but Allah" card? Or 'Wishing You A Warm Winter Solstice' greeting? Seriously if you see one-- you know where to send it.

Merry Christmas to All!

To date my holiday greeting cards are as follows:
(I will update this list periodically)

Happy Holidays/Season's Greetings/Etc. (8)

Merry Christmas (6)

Happy Hanukkah (0)

Joyous Kwanzaa (0)

There is no God but Allah (0)

Warm Winter Solstice (1)

Other (0)

Peanut Butter Fudge-- It's what's for Breakfast!

As the holiday season descends upon us like a jaguar from an Acacia tree, I am always amazed to watch as the standard year-round rules go out the window. First thing in the morning I find myself with my boy opening one of the doors on those countdown to Christmas advent calendars. Gee, what great parenting? "Here son, have a solid piece of chocolate for breakfast. It'll get your day started off right. Do you want some coffee as well?" Last night we were watching a show and Jefferson climb up next to me and he was covered in chocolate and still had some in his mouth. It was like 10 o'clock at night! "Where'd you get that?" I asked. "I found it... it's delicious!". And here I am wondering why he's still wired. Of course there is no changing it now-- the precedent has been set-- it's chocolate for breakfast at least until Christmas, then it's back to fruit and the accompanying "I hate you"s. 'Tis the season to indulge, I guess. There was a smorgasbord of fudge circulating the office... at 9:30 a.m this morning. Yes it seems not even a nutritional health company is impervious this phenomenon. It appears to happen in every facet of our lives-- all of the sudden the things we couldn't afford 2-3 months ago become reasonable; we start sleeping in a bit and cutting out from work a little early. Is it any wonder that our version of Saint Nicholas is a jolly old fat guy that doesn't shave and only works one day a year-- and on that one day, he brings happiness to children all over the world and gets to eat incalculable amounts of cookies in the process. There is no doubt-- Santa's got the hook up!
Once you recognizing these tendencies it is no wonder that New Year's come with making resolutions: pay off your bills, lose weight, stop eating chocolate for breakfast. We need these resolutions to counteract the bad habits we've gotten ourselves into during the holiday season. It's a wonderful little checks & balances system we've got here.
I'm certainly not pointing fingers. I am just as guilty (or more so) as the next, but that's what truly makes it a holiday, does it not? Everyone deserves to "take a break" from the rules once in awhile and at Christmas time everyone is doing it at the same time-- it is almost chaotic. In my opinion that's what makes this holiday season so great-- well that and celebrating the birth of Jesus.

A Tribute to Taking it Easy

Take It Easy-- The Eagles

Well, I'm running down the road tryin' to loosen my load.

Ive got seven women on my mind.

Four that wanna own me, two that wanna stone me, one says shes a friend of mine.

Take it easy, take it easy. Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.

Lighten up while you still can. Don't even try to understand.

Just find a place to make your stand and take it easy.

Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona and such a fine sight to see.

Its a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford slowin' down to take a look at me.

Come on, baby, don't say maybe. I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me.

We may lose and we may win though we will never be here again.

So open up, I'm climbin' in, so take it easy.

Well I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load, got a world of trouble on my mind. Lookin' for a lover who won't blow my cover, shes so hard to find.

Take it easy, take it easy. Don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy.

Come on baby, don't say maybe I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me.

We got it easy, we oughta take it easy.

I hate the Eagles-- always have and probably always will! It's just country music trying to disguise itself as classic rock. There I said it!
The point of this is not to enrage the hordes of faithful Eagles fans who've accidentally stumbled onto this blog looking for the lyrics to Take it Easy. No. Rather it is a tribute to one such Eagles fan, my Dad! Someone who could truly identify with those twangy vocals. A man for whom taking it easy was never as simlpe as it sounded in the song. And today I miss him more than usual.

Time to take it easy Dad!

Flashback Friday

Don't you just love my killer red boots?!

My First Presidential Vote

As promised, a blog and some pictures of my first presidential vote. It was about what I expected-- and really exciting! I cut my hair specifically for the occasion... that way I wouldn't have to hear the audible mumblings of "Damn Hippie" from the other (more patriotic) Americans in line.Look at me being a responsible American citizen supporting the Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, where Freedom reigns like Cats and Dogs, Red, White, and Blue through and through baby. Take that Putin!

Now I'm not going to pretend like I was the most informed voter at the polls that day-- there are far too many "know-it-alls" lobbying for that honor as it is. No, I must be honest I was caught of guard by a few of the ballot items, but I just took a deep breath, concentrated, and focused my mind on the right answer. The results are finally in and I'm proud to announce I got 53% of my votes correct! That includes leaving only one question blank and a number of write-in votes for Lou Diamond Phillips, Santana, Mickey Rooney, Perry Mason, and Carol Burnett. Some of you may be saying, "53% that's not a good result" and to you I say, "If it is good enough to win President-Elect, it's good enough for me."All things considered, I'm quite happy with that result, but I can't take all the credit-- there was a little luck involved.Those of you considering bringing a lucky nickle to the polls next year, you may also want to consider bringing a die as well-- as there are a number of questions with more than two possible answers and often I found myself flipping the coin a number of times per question as I conducted a crude and impromptu elimination process.

Regardless my congratulations to Barrack Obama and running mate Joe Bidden on their historic win-- but as far as I'm concerned there are no losers here. I would now like to take the time to present some token honors and awards to the other various presidential and vice presidential candidates not fortunate enough to be Democrats during this paticular election season.

Just for being a part of the 2008 Presidential race Cynthia McKinney and Rosa Clemente of the Green party will both be receiving brand new 2009 Hummer H3Ts. That's right Ladies the 'T' is for Turbo! And Charles Jay and Thomas Knapp of the Boston Tea party will each receive $50 gift certificates to Starbucks and a formal invite to the twenty-first century. While Brian Moore and Stewart Alexander of the actual Socialist party have recieved free one-way tickets on China Airlines to beautiful Xīnyíng, Communist China. Zai Jain fellas, Zai Jain!

Good news for Ralph Nader he has been awarded an honorary "Lifetime Achievement" award for all his... achievements... and spirit!

The award for "Life of the Party" goes to Gene Amondson of the Prohibition party. Way to go Gene, drinks are on me!

Of course it wouldn't be America if we didn't have a dazzling Prom Queen-- was there any doubt... it's... Sarah Palin. [the crowd roars]. What a vision of beauty, absolutely ravishing!

Last but certainly not least-- To John McCain I award the highly coveted Purple Heart for bravery, courage, and grace in the face of almost certain defeat. I solute you good Sir! Good show!

To all involved-- the politicians, the voters, the volunteers, the ralliers, the liberal media, the talk radio personalities, the hate mongerers, the list goes on and on-- I simply want to say thanks for making this 2008 Presidential election so entertaining-- give yourselves a pat on the back. Bravo!

**No Awards were actually presented. In all cases these awards, honors, and parting gifts were complete fabrications.**

Remember, Remember the 5th of November

Remember the Fifth of November, Gunpowder, Treason, and Plot
I see no Reason why Gunpowder, Treason should ever be Forgot.

Lest it be forgot-- I have made it a tradition the past few years to watch the film V for Vendetta on November 5th-- and I will do so again this year.
The film is based on a comic book series released in the late 80's by DC Comics. I've never read them but I've been told the film is quite accurate. Essentially the story uses the Gunpowder Plot and Guy Fawks as a starting point to examine various political themes, notably the relationship of Anarchism and Fascism.

My reason for ceremoniously watching the film is it's particular message regarding 'fear'-- or rather 'fearlessness'. See on my way to work this morning I passed a number of cars with their 'McCain/Palin' bumper stickers, and in the windows I saw some worried, even fearful folks-- "Oh my Gosh! We just elected a socialist. I wonder if I should move to Canada." While others thought, "It's the beginning of the End. The Apocalypse is nigh... and I don't have nearly enough food storage." To them (and everyone) I wish to say, Fear not! Watch the movie-- but please DO NOT blow up any parliament buildings... if you do (and again I strongly encourage you not to); but if you can not seem to help yourself, please do not reference this blog as your reason for doing it. Thanks.