It's a Disease

So I was watching What it Takes on Reelz channel the other day-- for those of you not familiar with the program, each episode is essentially the biography of an actor's life and how they got to where they are today. This particular episode was about Billy Bob Thorton-- I think, anyway it doesn't matter. Some of the episodes are mildly interesting, but there are two things that kind of make me crazy.
1. Every episode ends with some writer from Variety or People Magazine or Entertainment Weekly saying, "[insert name here] is one of the most acclaimed actors in the business"-- Of course they are! That's why you're doing an entire show about them! I know it's a silly little thing, but it makes me nuts.
2. Someone almost without fail will make mention to "The Acting Bug". I don't know where that expression came from (even Wikipedia doesn't know)-- but it sounds awful. It sounds like a disease! Usually the reference is followed by "...then they dropped out of school", "...quit their stable and secure job", "...abandoned any semblance of being a responsible adult"; all because they were bitten by that damned Acting Bug. I kid you not-- it is an epidemic! Thousands and thousands of people: Men, women, and children (sometimes even pets) are bitten by the Acting Bug each year and seemingly begin to throw their lives away to feed the disease. Sadly only a small fraction achieve their own episode on What It Takes; while the others struggle to hold down a steady job. Yet there are some who manage to suppress nearly all the urges-- only to become wildly animated about poor acting in films and television shows, thinking deep down they could have done a better if only they were given a shot. The Acting Bug is a Home-Wrecker, a Career-Killer, a Rebel without a Cause! Stay away, because it will seriously mess you up!

The following is an artists rendition of Thespious Insectas. Common name: Acting Bug.
It can be identified by it's colorful beret and scarf. It is thought to live in dark places-- frequently found on the black curtains of high school theatre stages. Those who encounter this menacing creature should back away slowly, making themselves look as uncultured as possible. If bitten, rinse the area immediately with soap and warm water, avoid auditoriums and movie theatre for at least 48 hours, and promptly join a sports team or club. Thank you.

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Okay so I'm starting to figure out this whole blog thing-- not in the sense that I'm necessarily becoming a 'good blogger', but rather that I'm slowly coming to understand how to customize my blogs appearance. Part of that process has led me to the ominous task of creating an author's profile; a series of questions highlighting the things I like. Really who cares about what you like-- "Oh he likes movies... I like movies... we have so much in common"-- it's not true! I know tons of people who like movies, or sports, or sushi that I absolutely detest with the most profound part of my being. A list of things that you have a passionate hatred for seems like far better a barometer of capability-- it is certainly more informative, and definitely more entertaining than a list of all the things I like. So rather than complete my profile questionnaire, I will provide a brief list of things I hate (in no particular order).

Mint-- Too say, "I don't like mint" would be a monumental understatement. I hate mint-- like it killed my dog-- hate mint! Now mint come from Mentha a plant genus with 25 species (thank you Wikipedia). I have nothing against mint (the plant), but I do have a serious beef with mint (the flavor). It's not enough that it tastes awful, but it has to go and ruin perfectly good things like ice cream, candy, and even chocolate. Is nothing sacred to you, Mint?! I think mint and I could co-exist quite peaceably if it weren't for the fact that it corrupts so many things that I do enjoy-- like a rogue mercenary poisoning my drinking water. I hate that it disguises itself so well-- like a sheep in wolves clothing. It is so hard to completely avoid. Believe me I try and still at least once or twice a year I'm amazed to find I have something 'mint' in my mouth and my fiery hatred for this ungodly taste is rekindled yet again-- growing gradually with each unprovoked encounter. Damn you, Mint. Damn you.

Laugh Tracks-- I am appalled by laugh tracks. While the ridiculously overt laughing is certainly annoying, it is the blatant, slap in the face, you're too stupid to know when to laugh insult that really boils my kettle. I don't need a cue to know when to laugh-- I'll laugh when it's damn well funny. I know what you're thinking, Laugh Track-- you think you can peer pressure me into laughing, "Everyone else is laughing". Don't try and make me question my sense of humor because you can't write a funny sitcom-- YES! I'm talking to you Jezebel James (shame on you Parker Posey!). How dare you insult your viewers with a laugh track?! Laugh Track, you take something so pure and jovial; the essence of human enjoyment and you taint it with offensive and presumptuous artificial emotion. You're just as bad as Mint!

Bumper Stickers-- Not just bumper stickers, this includes window "art" and other such non-sensical tomfoolery. First of all-- bumper stickers. What I don't think people realize is that putting a bumper sticker on your car is like getting a tattoo on your forehead. In general, I have no problem with tattooing because for the most part it will be covered, seen primarily by oneself and/or intimate friends. A bumper sticker however is not for your own enjoyment but rather a very literal label you're applying to yourself, so others know what to think of you.For example this person is a Democrat, likes camping, and very possibly smells like patchouli. Now this assumption may be completely inaccurate, but what other information do I have to go on? This persons intention may have only been to encourage the support of the Alaskan fishing industry, but unbeknownst to them they're bumper sticker has provided this additional (and quite possibly inaccurate) information about them. Bumper Stickers are backstabbers! They've totally got your back when it comes to fishing the wild salmon, but then promotes negative stereotypes about your character behind your back (literally).

Republican Jarhead!

Out of touch!






Bitch!


Yes! You absolutely are!

Catholic! No wait-- that church is already cold and dead. Christian!



By having a bumper sticker that says, "My other car is the Starship Enterprise" you're telling the world-- You're a dork! And that's okay if you are, but you're probably not just a dork. And therein lays my hatred for the bumper sticker. No one looks at the Calvin peeing on your truck window and thinks, "There's a reputable member of society."-- even though you may very well be one. They think you’re a jagweed: an idiotic, meathead who can't spell. I'm sorry I know you were just trying to be playful, but it's true. Bumper stickers tarnish good people's reputations every day. Remove the label. Boycott bumper stickers!



[sigh] Thank you!

Cinco de Mayo?

I'm not exactly sure when or even how the May 5th holiday "Cinco de Mayo" became Cinco de Mustache-- and frankly don't I really care. Having been born and raised in Canada, I am about as far removed from the Cinco de Mayo culture as humanly possible. What do you even do on Cinco de Mayo? I don't know-- but I can tell you want you do on Cinco de Mustache: You grow a mustache!
Here's how it work. Don't shave during the month of April, then on May 5th trim back the facial forest revealing your Cinco de Mustache. Now for those of you who may be facial hair impaired, like myself, you may want to consider getting started on your stache a few weeks sooner. Then you and all the members of your mustache posse go out to lunch/dinner at a crappy little mexican resturant. Avoid crowded places with children like parks, middle schools, and McDonald's playlands.

Happy Cinco de Mustache! See ya next year!

Halloween

I know it is more than 6 months away, but I'm still thinking about it. Halloween is in my top 5 best days of the year pretty consistently. Sometimes it's even #1. I love Halloween because everyone is expected to be at least a little ridiculous. For someone like me who may be perceived as slightly bizarre every other day of the year, it sort of levels the playing field. It's a holiday that compels a vast majority of the popular to relax, take off the masks they tote around every other day, and put of different ones-- fun ones. I particularly like the office environment on Halloween. There is just something magical about seeing that bitch from accounting dress up like Paris Hilton. I also love going over to the IT department and seeing the wide variety of Storm Trooper and Klingon costumes purchased online-- and then there is that one guy who's Bubba Fet every year because he bought the costume in 1984 for $1,500 and needs to find every opportunity to don it outside of the annual Star Wars convention. I've never had a store bought costume, not that I wouldn't have loved to have one, my family growing-up just wouldn't spend money on that sort of thing. My mom would either make my costume or I would have to wear a "costume of convenience". In both cases, the result was occasionally embarrassing. I've since embraced this entrepreneurial spirit when it comes to the costume making experience and think I've really found my groove over the past couple years.In 2005 I was Edward Scissorhands. I had just completed a Stage Make-up course and was feeling confident in my ability to create puddy scars on my face. Then it was just a matter of hitting up the local thrift store for some baggy grey pants and suspenders. I can't seem to find any pictures right now but I'll post 'em once I can track some down.

The following year I was significantly more ambitious-- I wanted to be Count Olaf from A Series of Unfortunate Events. I bought a bald cap and super-glued lengths of grey hair to the side and styled it. My mother-in-law made the black coat out of a fat black corduroy. It is by far the coolest thing about the costume and I've been trying to find a way in which I can wear it again without aligning myself to those socially retarded trench coat kids. I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to start 'putting on my face'. I puddied an extension on my nose, applied make-up, fake eyebrows, and a beard. The end result of the costume I wasn't particularly that excited about. As the day wore on the bald cap proved a challenge. It was uncomfortable, hot and sweaty, and eventually began to peel up. The extra effort the morning of Halloween made it a stressful beginning to the day.

Last year I change my direction totally-- abandoned the make-up and thrift store outing in favor of making a giant Lego Man Mini-Fig dressed as a Real Salt Lake soccer player.

I made the whole thing out of bristle board, Styrofoam, and duct tape-- it cost only about $27, but had over 30 hours of labor invested in it. It was bulky and almost impossible to move in. I actually had to borrow my sister Durrango in order to get my costume to and from work and various Halloween parties-- but I think it is my best Halloween costume to date. I've already begun narrowing down my 2008 costume options.

Lego Man again? I figured I could just change the Lego Man's outfit-- maybe an astronaut or a professional wrestler. It seems like a capout. Beside I think my sister wants to wear that costume this year as payment for me having to use her vehicle last Halloween.

Sweeney Todd? I can't bring myself to be another Johnny Depp character-- it's unhealthy I think.

Neo from the Matrix? Not a chance in hell. The only reason I even considered it was so that I could wear that cool coat again.

Woody? Yeah from Toy Story and Toy Story II-- My kid is obsessed with Buzz Lightyear, in fact he was Buzz for Halloween last year. I was thinking I could be Woody and he could be Buzz, the whole theme costume thing, but then he would have to be the same thing as he was last year for that to work and I can't just ask him to do that for me. One of the best things about Halloween is changing your costume year to year. Maybe I can convince him to wear a small purple hat and an apron and he could be Mrs. Nesbit.

RichieTenenbaum? This would be a pretty easy costume to pull off. In fact, I think I already have the camel sports coat and headband. Maybe if I'm feeling lazy.

The Joker? With Heath Leger's passing maybe this choice is in poor taste. But I love Christopher Nolan's visual interpretation of this classic villain and I'm pretty sure I can pull it off. We'll see.

I'M SO EXCITED!!!

Ventriloquism vs. Puppetry

After re-reading my first post I've come to realize that I've unintentionally aligned myself with the terribly creepy world of ventriloquism. I am an actor who happened to like puppetry as a child. I have no intention of combining these two worlds. To clarify I do not, nor have I, nor will I ever of my own free will perform as a ventriloquist. I suppose the true intent of this post is to clarify the difference between ventriloquism and puppetry and my feelings towards them. I guess the only real difference is that the puppeteer is hidden during performance and a ventriloquist is a part of the show. I may go so far as to say that ventriloquism is the prima donna's puppetry. And while I have respect for both, if I'm perfectly honest I think there is something truly unnatural about ventriloquism. The best way I can think to decribe it is to compare it to the 40 year old woman, who still lives home, in her same childhood bedroom with stuffed animals and doll layed out across a pink laced bedspread. As I'm writing this; however I'm thinking that this could be a good movie. A love story between the ventriloquist and this 40 woman: they meet, fall in love-- like a creepier version of Benny and Joon. Or I guess it could be suspense horror as the audience anxiously watches to see which one will chop the other one up into little bits and slowly feed them to the neighborhood cats.

In the Beginning

I few months back I was asked to write a brief "getting to know you" biography for the monthly newsletter at work. It seemed highly unnecessary, regardless this is what I wrote:

"Ryan Templeman: A Brief History

February 21st, the year of our Lord 1980 at 2:00am: It was chilly Tuesday night in Toronto when Ryan Delmar Templeman was born; tipping the scales at 8 pounds 4 ounces. As with most infants, Ryan quickly mastered the life essentials of sleeping, eating, and just laying around. As he progress into childhood, his intellectual development was principally administered by the public education system, accompanied by a health dose of cable television; primarily The Muppet Show. It was during this time in his life that Ryan decided he wanted to be an actor; his ultimate goal was to eventually be the celebrity host for The Muppet Show, following in the footsteps of other comic actors like Peter Sellars, Steve Martin, and Vincent Price (actually he wasn't very funny at all). Sadly this goal would never be realized as unbeknownst to the seven year Ryan, The Muppet Show had been cancelled 6 years prior. Blissful in his ignorance, he pursued his now unattainable goal. Due to the amazing (though seemingly undocumented) time warp between Canada and the United States , The Muppet Show continued to run until 1991. Ryan was twelve years old by the time the news of The Muppet Show’s cancellation was fully unfolded before him. It was a dark and lonely time. For the next several years Ryan began leading a meaningless life. Moving from place to place, with no direction, and no ambition (not entirely The Muppet Show’s fault, but was definitely the primary instigator). During his high school years he had 8 different places of residence (one being a white 1990 Plymouth Voyager), and attending 3 different high schools. He eventually ended up in Utah in 2001, where he met and married his wife Andrea and had a child, Jefferson Delmar in 2005. In his spare time, Ryan continues to act, recently appearing in High School Musical, Dadnapped, Deep Winter, and 'amazingly' popular local Truth campaign commercials. He is driven by the improbable hope that one day The Muppet Show will be resurrected for one final episode hosted by Ryan Delmar Templeman."

So there it is-- I'm a daydreaming prepubescent 15 year old trapped in a 28 year-old's body. I'm married, have a kid, live in a house, and when I'm not busy with a job I pursue my career in acting and also do a little screenwriting on the side. Currently I'm growing out my patchy facial hair in a despirate attempt to look more like Jim Henson. Although I have been telling people at work I'm not going to shave or cut my hair until a Canadian team wins the Stanley Cup. It's been 14 years, we're about due.