Portraits of a Young Man as an Artist

Take That

2010-02-22T15:14:00.004-07:00

I have a great idea. This may be my best idea ever. By now I would hope you know my feelings about Facebook friends. Facebook is useful for a number of things, but I've found a significant weakness for which my great idea will help to bridge the gap.
It all really stems from the fact that you can 'like' something on a Facebook status, but there is no option for 'dislike'. I'm a natural Hater. It takes significantly less effort for me to hate (or dislike) something or someone than it does for me to like them. I'm not necessarily hateful, really it is just an appendage of laziness. So a friend of mine (Jim Stevens) posted something to the effect of "How do you tell old friends, and family member you might not like them anymore?". To which I said, "punch them in the face", which I admit may be a bit overboard, but does adequately get the point across. Then I started thinking about 'friends' on Facebook I'd like to punch in the face (don't worry there weren't many)-- and that's when it came to me-- A Virtual Punch in the Face application. Wouldn't it be wonderful?!Here's how it would work. You select a friend you'd like to cause 'virtual' physical harm to-- and you select what you wanna do to them; punch, kick, slap, lick hand then slap, Indian burn (can I still say that?), whatever. Then you select where to target your assault: to the face, to the mouth, to the shin, to the ear, to the dangling thing in the back of the throat-- again plenty of options here. Now here is the best part the application would then allow you the option of deciding whether or not you want to drop them as a friend, or limit their visibility of your profile, or drop them and block them permanently-- essentially giving you all the tools one would need to deliver the final blow (both virtually and metaphorically) to any unwanted Facebook relationships. A message would appear on your recipient's wall (to maximize humiliation), something to the effect of, "You were just virtually punched in the mouth by Ryan-- I guess this mean he doesn't want to be friends with you anymore-- don't bother trying to re-add him to your 'friends list', cause you'll just get another one right to the kisser." I'm sure we can add a feature to customize the message.
Now I'm sure there is someone out there think 'why would you ever use this application', here's a few examples that I'm sure 90% of people can relate to.
- You're miffed at a 'friend' from high school for posting that embarrassing or compromising photo of you which you were assured had been destroyed. Maybe you wanna virtually punch them in the face and restrict their access to your account.
- You get fired from a place of employee and you happen to have a few fellow employees and member of management as 'friends' on your account that you're not particularly fond of. Maybe you wanna virtually headbutt them in the nose and drop them from your friend's list.
- You're in a relationship and it goes sour, irreparably sour. No doubt you're drop and blocking this person forever anyway, why not a virtual headbutt to the groin would help you communicate your parting wishes.
I am deadly serious about this. I have plenty of nerdy friends (who are already social outcasts... j/k Stephen) that are perfect adept at writing programs and we are going to do this and we're going to be so filthy stinkin' rich Paris Hilton will violently vomit into her Gucci attache case. Violence sells-- you'll see!
This is what Facebook has been missing. Think about it, what would you rather do- try and rehash a friendship from elementary school when both of you know you've nothing in common anymore or deliver once and for all a devastating virtual Judo Chop to the sciatic nerve of an old high school bully. Really need we debate this anymore?!

Some guy's opinion of the Top 25 Movies of the Decade

2010-01-04T13:19:00.024-07:00

So I have been seeing Top "whatever" lists of the decade online for the past 2 or 3 weeks. I disagree with most of them, some more passionately then others-- so I said to myself, "Self, How hard could it be to come up with an accurate list of the top 25 films of the decade?". Turns out, it's pretty tough. Yeah the first half a dozen or so come out pretty quickly but after that you're hacking your way through a jungle of mediocrity to find those forgotten film gems you may have forgotten about. In the process, like on any arduous journey, I learned a few things about myself:

-I like R Rated movies. In fact 20 of the 25 are rated R. For some people R Rated movies are a big deal, and I totally get that, but for me they are not... not at all.

-As much as I claim to like Johnny Depp, it must just be for his body-- Not one Johnny Depp film on the list. I'm not sure if I'm more sad for me or for him. [tear]

-Surprisingly Bill Murray tops the list with appearances in 3 of the 25 films, while 10 others appear more than once.

-I apparently really liked Ridley Scott at the beginning of the decade and then moved on to really liking Martin Scorsese later in the decade.

-My interests are pretty evenly split between drama and comedy, and I've learned that my idea of a "comedy" is more like everyone else's "dark and weird".

Now I feel I should preface this list with a disclaimer. As the great blogger The Jolly Porter stated in his decade review, While they may not be the best films of the decade, they are the ones that seemed to have grabbed me most. Or, in the words of the British critic Derek Malcolm, these are the films that I "could not bear the thought of never seeing again."

Alright that enough talk. Here is the countdown:

25. Lars and the Real Girl (2007): A wonderfully bizarre and touching film. The unconventional premise of a young man's relationship with a life-size doll he ordered from the internet, needlessly scared many people away from this film. There is NOTHING to fear. This is one of my PG-13 films, so go see it!

24. Zombieland (2009): I can certainly appreciate a quirky coming of age film as this list will show, but combined with a post-apocalyptic Zombie movie, well now that's just great entertainment.

23. Juno (2007): Like I said, I enjoy a quirky coming of age story and teen pregnancy is hysterical... if you're the guy. Oh Snap!

22. Almost Famous (2000): Look at that, yet another quirky coming of age film. I liked this one just a bit better than Juno, less female hormonal stuff.

21. Lost in Translation (2003): Completely unique. Simple, thoughtful, and so well crafted. Bill Murray at his finest.

20. Snatch (2000): Guy Richie's fast paced style film making inundates his viewers with information and somehow manages to wraps itself up in a perfect little bow seconds before the credits roll. And quite possibly Brad Pitt's best performance of the decade.

19. Up (2009): Easily Pixar's finest achievement. So simply and yet uniquely whimsical and engaging. Unlike Wall-E, which is equally stunning visually, the depth of character in Up is vastly superior and thus emotionally engaging.

18. The Road (2009): Generally when I go into a film with high expectations, it not only fails, it fails epically (case & point- The Forgotten). The Road did not disappoint. It was just as frightening, restless, and disturbing as it was supposed to be. Fascinating commentaries on humanity, fear, and survival.

17. Little Miss Sunshine (2006): The dysfunctional journey of a dysfunctional family of chain-smoking, suicidal, heroine addicts as they chase the improbable dream of their chubby 9 year old girl who wants to be a beauty pageant queen. Honestly, what's not to like about that?

16. Pan's Labyrinth (2006): A foreign film (Spain) with a fascinating & gripping storyline, absolutely astounding visuals, and wonderful imagination. It is dark and disturbing, but almost impossible to look away.

15. Big Fish (2003): This film resonated with me on a very personal level. It was beautiful and filled with the magic of Tim Burton's wild imagination. Also a PG-13.

14. There Will Be Blood (2007): No doubt it is a masterpiece and will be mentioned for years to come alongside film's like Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Schindler's List. Your children will study it in film class.

13. In Bruges (2008): I saw this at the Sundance Film Festival and simply could not stop laughing. So strange and wildly unpredictable with a substantial plot and characters.

12. Gangs of New York (2002): This is worth seeing just for Daniel Day Lewis. Possibly his best performance ever. In fact a good cast all around. A fascinating period piece that changed my perceptions of history. That's a big deal, right?

11. Hannibal (2001): Better than Silence of the Lambs and here's why: 1. Hannibal Lecture outside his cell and moving about the world as he pleases =scary. 2. Gary Oldman as one of the creepiest creepers ever. 3. Julianne Moore not Jodie Foster.

10. Gladiator (2000): There is really nothing to critic in this film. It is an awe-inspiring epic for the ages.

9. In America (2002): A deeply touching film. I don't know that I've ever seen a film that has taken me on such a roller-coaster ride of emotions. The acting is amazing!!! This is a MUST SEE FILM and there is no excuse-- it is PG-13.

8. V For Vendetta (2005): This film caught me totally by surprise, and that doesn't happen very often. It is uniquely beautiful in both presentation and plot. I ceremoniously remember to watch it on the 5th of November each year.

7. Children of Men (2006): Such an interesting premise on which to create a film. From a film-making perspective, to this day I can not get over the continuous shoot that follows down several flights of stairs. Simply an amazing feat in and of itself. I was mildly surprised to find it was not written by Cormac McCarthy.

6. Memento (2000): I was absolutely blown away the first time I watched this film. I think part of my brain seeped out of my ear. Absolutely riveting, original, and challenging. I dare you to try and watch it only once. I DARE YOU!!!

5. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004): Another very interesting premise as is the usual of Charlie Kaufman. This film simply sucks you from beginning to end. It is beautiful and unique love story and manages to mess with you mentally, emotionally, morally philosophically, in a way I've yet to experience elsewhere.

4. The Departed (2006): I heart Jack Nicholson, I heart Alec Baldwin, I heart Mark Walberg, and I heart Martin Scorsese. How could I not heart this film? It is an intense, well created film with all the makings of a classic Shakespearean tragedy.

3. No Country for Old Men (2007): In my book, the Cohen brothers can do no wrong and in this film they did a whole lot of good. It is the ultimate Anti-hero film. No doubt Anton Chigurh is one of the scariest bad guys ever.

2. Amelie (2001): This foreign film (French) is so full of life. It is so energetic, colorful, spontaneous, and playful you can't help but fall in love. I can guarantee three things if you watch this film: 1. It will make you happy. 2. It will make you hate Travelocity's blatant rip-off of the traveling gnome. 3. It will be one your favorite movies of the decade as well.

1. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001): It is Wes Anderson's most significant film to date. This film forever changed the way I think and feel about film. A great film has great characters and The Royal Tenenbaums is absolute proof. It is sharp, subtle, and surprisingly sensitive. It has influenced me creatively more so than any other film I imagine ever could.

Honorable Mentions:
No single entry from these trilogies was able to crack my top 25; however as collective works, they are certainly deserving of mention.

Batman Begins (2005)/Dark Knight (2008): Christopher Nolan is a great film maker and easily the best thing to happen for Batman and DC comics over the past decade. I love the darkness of these films.

The Bournes (2002,2004,2007): Exciting, intense, smart, fun, cool, entertaining... anything else, oh yeah Bad Ass!

Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001,2002,2003): An absolutely amazing epic. What an great accomplishment to translate those novels to film.

All these films were released in 2009, and merit a posting of their own, but since I'm not going to do a "2009 Movies- Year in Review", I'll just add them here as a post-script:

Inglorious Bastards: One of Tarantino's finest. Funny, intense, violent. Immensely entertaining.

Adventureland: Another Sundance film and yet another quirky and witty coming of age story set in the 1980's. Very entertaining and enduring.

Mary and Max: A black & white (and a little red) animated stop-motion film out of Australia I saw at Sundance. I know it sounds like a snooze, it is anything but. So simple, but so thoughtful, witty, and so worth seeing. It is PG. I'm not sure where you can find it, but it is out there.

Fantastic Mr. Fox: I love Wes Anderson and I had been waiting for this film to be released for nearly a year and a half. A great story and fantastic cast. Go see it- PG.

Coraline: Yes this is the forth animated film I thoroughly enjoy this year, (also out of Australia). It was dark and eerie, and not really for children-- unless of course you've get those creepy Children of the Corn-type kids and then I suppose it is alright.

So that's it. I believe I've been quite thorough, but I'm sure I've missed something... and no doubt you'll feel the need to let me know what that is. Be my guest.

Help with your New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-02T14:42:00.001-07:00

It is that time of year to set some goals and make New Year's resolutions. Nearly 50% of Americans makes New Year's resolutions, but according to Wikipedia (which is always 100% reliable) "research shows that while 52% of participants in a resolution study were confident of success with their goals, only 12% actually achieved their goals." The success rate goes up significantly when those resolutions are made public and garnish the support of family and friends. So I thought it would be a great to create a forum where you can announce your New Year's resolutions, and I will help you number among the 12%. Sound good?

Now everyone can participate, but obviously I already know that only about 50% of you actually will (per the above statistics). If you don't have resolutions yet the U.S. government has thoughtfully provided a thorough list of the most popular New Year's Resolutions (yes, our tax pay for this research) you can choose from. Here they are:

* Lose Weight
* Manage Debt
* Save Money
* Get a Better Job
* Get Fit
* Get a Better Education
* Drink Less Alcohol
* Quit Smoking Now
* Reduce Stress Overall
* Reduce Stress at Work
* Take a Trip
* Volunteer to Help Others

Now I know I have some multicultural readers out there (maybe) and so I've done a little research (save the U.S. government some time and money) and come up with the most popular New Year's resolutions from some other countries from around the world.

In Egypt the most popular resolution is:
* Walk the camels regularly
In Ireland the most popular resolution is:
* Find a Leprechaun and get his Lucky Charms
In Greenland the most popular resolution is:
* Learn to Surf
In Switzerland the most popular resolution is:
* Stop taking sides
In France the most popular resolution is:
* Visit one of those museums everyone's talking about
In Canada the most popular resolution is:
* Shovel the Driveway
In Australia the most popular resolution is:
* Find and Kill Paul Hogan
In Japan the most popular resolution is:
* Take more photos
In Mexico the most popular resolution is:
* Figure out how they get the candy inside those Pinatas
In China the most popular resolution is:
* Take over the World

Well I think that about does it. Happy New Year everyone!

Late Night Christmas Wishes

2009-12-15T11:55:00.005-07:00

If you've read my blog at all over the past year or so, you'll know that I am a fan of Late Night talk shows and specifically The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. Here's a little diddy from The Tonight Show I feel I needed to share. I want to dedication this song to Utah-- I know we are at odds right now (20 day & counting sans-The Road), but it is not beneath me to wish you a Merry Christmas!

The clip is a little long (3 mins, something) and you'll have to wait through a cell phone commercial or something like that before the clip even runs-- I'm not doing a very good job of selling this clip. Just watch it!

Thanksgiving & Halloween Recap

2009-12-08T14:14:00.011-07:00

I'm sure there must be at least one person out there that has been wringing their hands with anxious excitement for me to re-visit the world of blogging and finally post something, right? No? Well I'm still going to post something anyways.

So I've been in this big fight lately with Utah. She's is being absolutely ridiculous! Seriously I would slap her in the mouth if I could (probably lick my hand first too so it would sting more). Of course like any great feud, it start over the holidays. Now I'm not a "Holiday Guy" per-say, but I was actually looking forward to this Thanksgiving because the film "The Road" based on the Cormac McCarthy novel (same guy who wrote No Country For Old Men) was being released nationally on the 27th. Well it turns out that Utah has removed herself from these here United States of America and she chose not to pick up on the "National" release of the film, but instead she's decided to renew the putrid drivel of Stephenie Meyers (Utah's own) in every damn theater so that every swooning teenage girl in the state can at least for 130 minutes keep from cutting themselves. SERIOUSLY!!!! I'm mad as hell and am about this close to buying one of those pneumatic cattle guns and going postal. You are being completely unreasonable Utah! It has been nearly 2 weeks that the rest of the country has been able to enjoy Viggo Mortensen's dashing good looks once again on the big screen. How can you deprive us any longer? I am living in a third world country in the middle of the American mid-west!!! If anyone knows where I can see this movie in Utah or where I can send a similarly strong-worded letter, please let me know.

So obviously Thanksgiving was totally ruined. Halloween; however was just as good as ever. This year I was pretty busy so I didn't have a ton of time to make/create an elaborate costume so I bought one (well most of one) online. I was Jack Skellington from Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas. Here's the final product. Obviously buying a "one size fits all" costume online requires a great deal of alterations in order to look any good-- for that I must thank my very talented wife, who not only tailored the jacket to my slender frame but made those gloves with the exceptionally long fingers. I added the Santa hat just to make it a little more unique. I was quite please and manage to win a cool $250 at our office Halloween costume contest. Not too shabby!
However my favorite costume of the year goes to my very own offspring young Jefferson Delmar Templeman who boldly chose the obscure comic book hero Astro Boy. Originally the plan was to go topless (as seen above), but it was a little too chilly. Again boots and belt courtesy of Mom. I made the arm cannons. I didn't think he would be willing to commit to the hair coloring and make-up, but he did a great job and was in character most of the day.

Well I think I've written enough for today. I don't want to overload you on my first day back.

You've Got a Friend in Me

2009-08-10T14:26:00.005-06:00

This is getting ridiculous-- according to Facebook I have over 400 friends. Come on, everyone knows that is a gross exaggeration of the truth. I can rarely find one friend to go golfing with, or watch the game with on the weekend. And now every time I look at that "421 Friends" on Facebook it just makes me feel like even more of a loser because essentially what it means is, "you have 421 Friends and none of them want to hang out with you". I'm sure it is a two way street, in fact I'm willing to come right out and admit it-- I'm not very good at being friends.

I'm a fantastic acquaintance, but a friend only so-so. I think it just comes down to laziness. I'm not necessarily lazy just more relaxed, chill, low stress. Maintaining a friendship is none of those things, and so I don't do it well. Being someones friend requires time and energy from both parties. The real problem is the people I would want to be good friends with are just as or lazier than me, thus making the required effort from each party that much more unlikely.

So I'm doomed to be a loner-- that's fine, but I think my Facebook profile should reflect that. In the beginning it was like popularity contest for the unpopular (myself included) to collect as many friends as possible, but now I feel like an impostor-- like I've gotten an invite to the high rollers table but can't afford the valet parking. So there's my dilemma-- I've got 421 "Friends" how do I go about tactfully reducing that number? Even asking that question can open a can of worms. Just because I want to reduce my Friends list doesn't mean I want to get rid of you (assume you're on my Friend list). See I don't want to lose friends that are really my friends (or acquaintances that I'm holding out hope will one day really be my friends)-- like, "Oh he didn't want to be my friend, then I don't want to be his friend either". That may not be the case, though I'm not going to lie, there are people on my Friends list that that I just don't want to be friends with, but that said I don't want them to be enemies either-- I've got plenty of those (a post for another day).

Here are some dramatization of future situations I'd like to avoid if possible:
(I'll use the generic names of Jack & Jill for these examples)

Scenario #1

ME: Jack? Jack? Is that you? Oh my goodness! I haven't seen you in forever. How have you been?

JACK: Good.

ME: What is that a wedding ring? Dude you got married!

JACK: Yeah I did.

ME: When?

JACK: Two months ago. We got married on a cruise.

ME: Oh that sounds awesome. Wish I could have come.

JACK: I invited everyone of my friends on Facebook.

ME: (awkward) Oh really? I must not have seen it. I'm terrible at keeping up to date on those event requests things.

JACK: Yeah I figured as much, which is why I went into my friends list to find you to personally send you an invite to the wedding. Turns out though, you weren't in my friends list. Which was strange because I remember adding you on November 23rd when the Colts played the Chargers-- you said you were going to be at that game.

ME: That's weird. [lie] Probably just a glitch or something.

JACK: Yeah see that's what I thought too, so I contacted my friend Peter Piper, you know him right? He was on your Facebook friends list at one point. Well he works as a Facebook administrator and he told me that according to the records that you willfully removed he and I from your friends list on Aug 11th 2009 along with 171 others.

ME: (gulp)

JACK: Yeah. Peter turned around and created a Facebook group called 'Ryan is a Giant Dillweed'. Guess how many member we have?

ME: (shrug)

JACK: 171. You're a real doucebag Ryan. You think you're too good to be my friend?

ME: No I don't, really.

JACK: Yeah, cause I'm too good to be your friend, you get it?

ME: I do. It's true. But for the record you know, we hadn't ever talked or chat on Facebook or had any other communication otherwise for that matter in like 12 years.

JACK: I sent you an invitation to my 21st birthday party.

ME: I moved.

JACK: You're full of excuses. I thought you were my friend. I gave you lunch money in tenth grade and you said you'd pay me back-- and I said, "don't worry about it your my friend". (sniffle) Do you remember that? Do you?!

ME: Yeah... vaguely.

JACK: I want it back.

ME: What?

JACK: The money. I want it back-- with interest.

ME: Interest?

JACK: Yes. Compounded annually at 12.5%.

ME: Will you take a check?

Scenario #2

ME: Excuse me? You look very familiar to me. Is your name Jill? Did you go to Folkstone elementary school.

JILL: [punches Ryan in the nuts] That's for removing me from your Facebook friends list you A--hole. I told all my friends that I knew this guy who was in the High School Musical movie and when they called me on it the only way I could prove it to them was to show you were my friend on Facebook, but when I went to show them you weren't anymore. All my friends laughed at me for claiming to know the most obscure actor (and worst dancer) in that whole movie. Thanks to you I started cutting again and became bulimic. You ruined my life. I hate you!

ME: (gasping) I need a doctor.

JILL: You need to shut up is what you need. Thankfully Peter sent me and invite to his 'Ryan is a Giant Dillweed' site and I made a ton of new friends all based on our common hatred of you. I can't wait to get on there and post that I got to punch you in the nuts in person-- I'm going to be so popular.

ME: (still pained) I just want you to be happy.

JILL: And I want nothing but your misery, you scumbag. Peace out loser!

Does anyone have any suggestions or success stories on 'How to lose friends on Facebook'?-- I'm thinking that would be a good name for my autobiography.

P.S. -- Should you feel that you may be one of the proverbial 171, feel free to campaign for my continued friendship. People at the greatest risk are: 1. Co-workers I don't really like but added out of a false sense of obligation, 2. Kids who used to beat me up in Junior High, and 3. People I don't recognize at all from my past or current life.

40 is the new 30... and 50 is the new dead

2009-07-03T09:20:00.007-06:00

I don't really follow any real celebrity personalities. I really just don't care about who their dating, or 'wearing', or if they like to play bongos in the buff-- (who doesn't really). However, the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and... believe it or not Billy Mays actually made me a little sad. Not tears or depression-- nothing that would cause me to travel to the Walk of Fame on a commemorative pilgrimage. Without disrespect, I compare it to washing your pants and realizing there was a twenty dollar bill in the pocket-- an "ah crap, I just ruined a twenty" moment. Not a huge deal, but you start thinking about what you could have done with that twenty and you're a little sad. That was me.

In honor of Michael Jackson's life (not death) I wore a sparkly glove from June 25 until the end of the month and listened to nothing but Michael Jackson (or Jackson 5) on my iPod. I think it was very difficult not to have an opinion on Michael Jackson-- mine was that he really was Peter Pan, a boy that never grow up. The death of an icon is an event. People can tell you where they were when they heard that other musical legends Elvis Presley and John Lennon had died. Jackson revolutionized the music (and dance) world and I for one will miss him.

The King is dead.

Now this one surprised me. Billy Mays. I watch the Discovery Channel show Pitchmen devotedly, not because I was a fan of any of the characters, but more so for the inventions and tools coming to market-- the journey grabbed my attention and I was hooked. It was only in a recent memorial tribute to Billy Mays where he was described as "a big burly, bear-of-a-man with a kind and soft heart" that I realize why his passing moreso than that of any other famous personality affected me. My father who shared those same qualities also passed at the age of 50 from severe heart failure.

They shared other common attributes as well.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE... oh wait, nevermind. Sadly that is all there was.

You'll be missed!

Summer Recap

2009-06-22T16:38:00.003-06:00

I've been busy, thus I've not posted in awhile.

For a visual recap of my life over the past month or so click here.

A Shameless Plug for Anticitrade

2009-05-13T11:01:00.006-06:00

So my last post was a little bit of a promo piece for a movie I was in, and just to show that I'm not an ego-maniacle, attention whore I will promote something that has nothing to do with me.

Awhile back a few friends of mine got involved in a small online based company called Anticitrade. I had been milling around the idea of investing in the stock market. It seemed to me that this is the right time to start. Either the market will go back up and I'll make some good money or it will continue to go down, currency will become meaningless, and we'll all beginning trading in ammunition and firearms. And really when I think about it-- playing in the stock market is like playing fantasy football, except you're not totally waiting your time.

So getting into the Stock Market is all fine and dandy, but where do you start. There are thousands upon thousands of publically traded companies. Do you just guess? Turns out most investors do-- they just guess. That seems crazy to me. No wonder most people can't tolerate the risks associated with the Stock Market. There is just no way to really "know" how the market will react. If only there was a way to minimize this risk, sift through the mounts of companies, and anticipate the market: Enter Anticitrade.

See a smart investor will wad through a number of stocks in a cetain sector or industry they believe will go up (i.e. Summer time is approaching, more people are driving, more gas & oil consumption; therefore those industry stock should go up.). They'll research a number of these companies, look at their quarterly reports, compare them, and only if these fundamentals are strong will they invest their money. Completing this kind of comprehensive ratio and financial analysis is both time consuming and beyond the capability of the average investor and certainly well beyond my capability. Anticitrade essentially does this work for you. Using publicly available information, Anticitrade does a full analysis of a stock; comprehensive research into a company's financial statements, competitive position, ratio analysis, and macroeconomic changes... and the cream rises to the top (in a simply easy to understand spreadsheet).

Now I'm not saying this should replace your own research, but it is certainly a great place to start. Think of it like looking for the most delicious apple in a bushel basket as opposed to on the ground of the orchard. Almost all those apple's in the basket are gonna taste pretty good (who knows what you're going to find on the ground), thus reducing your risk of getting worms.

I've been doing the beta testing for this site since March and I've been easily beating the market averages for the past 6 weeks. I'm making my money work me and I'm seeing great returns.

If you're interested check them out anticitrade.com.

I think this guy and the guy from the "Talking Politics" entry should be best friends.

What do you think?

Another Late Night

2009-05-06T10:55:00.007-06:00

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy: Alright, we'll okay that's weird.

[he snickers for just a little too long]

Jimmy: K. My next guest has a small bit part in the recently released S. Darko-- which was recently released, April 28th. Please welcome to the show Ryan Templeman.

[the band plays really loud to mask the fact that no one in the audience is clapping]

[Ryan and Jimmy shake hands. Jimmy leans in awkwardly thinking I may be a "hand shake hug". It is not. Ryan takes a seat on the couch.]

Jimmy: Welcome to the show.

Ryan: Thanks. This is a really nice couch.

Jimmy: That couch is from R.C. Willey-- as is all of our wonderful furniture here. R.C. Willey has the best couches, chairs, desks, pretty much anything and everything money can buy-- and I think Page Davis is hot! Am I right?

Ryan: About Page Davis or the furniture?

Jimmy: [he snickers] Wow. So I have here that you're from Canada, but I noticed that you said couch and not chesterfield. What's the deal?

Ryan: Oh yeah well if it is any consolation I wore my tuque to the studio.

Jimmy: I was going to say your hair looks kind of matted.

Ryan: Thanks. Maybe you could spare one of those half dozen hairstylist I saw back stage.

Jimmy: We'll see what we can do during a commercial break. Okay so let talk about the movie. S. Darko is a sequel to the quite successful independent film from a few years back, Donnie Darko--right? With Jake Gyllenhall before he went all "Brokeback". [He laughs almost uncontrollably] Okay, okay, okay-- So tell em about your character?

Ryan: Um well I play a character named Mike and he's a small town kid with no direction or aspirations. You know he's that pot head degenerate that spent 7 years on the same spot of the couch.

Jimmy: So we spend 2 hours watching you sit on a couch.

Ryan: Gosh I wish I had that kind of face time. No, but there is a scene where I am on a couch-- or rather chesterfield.

Jimmy: So do you have a clip for us?

Ryan: If I do, I've never seen it.

Jimmy: So I shouldn't have you set this up for us.

Ryan: Yeah-- you can just run it.

Jimmy: Okay, let's run it.

Jimmy: Are you sure you're in this movie? I didn't see you.

Ryan: I didn't see me either. Maybe I'm not in it. I guess it is wholly possible I was completely cut out.

Jimmy: What are you doing on my show? You're a nobody.

Ryan: I know but it's not like I crashed your set here or anything, I got an invite and my name is on that door back there; granted it is written on piece of paper and stuck there with some Ticky Tac-- but it's there. You know this whole time I've been sitting here I'm thinking "Wow these guys are really desperate for interviews".

Jimmy: We are not desperate for interviews. We've got stars-- real stars lining up to get on this show. Ray Liotta was on here the other night.

Ryan: Oh I really liked him in Narc.

Jimmy: This is ridiculous. Nobody go and see this movie!

Ryan: That's not cool man. The soundtrack is supposed to be killer.

Jimmy: If you even see this movie in a Blockbuster or whatever turn it around or hide it behind a copy of Love Guru.

Ryan: Do you have something against Canadians?

Jimmy: Are you going to leave or do I have to call security.

Ryan: No I'll leave of my own volition but for the record I would have rather been on Conan, Leno, probably even Letterman cause well... your show of sucks.

Jimmy: Screw you. Security!

[Security rushes out and grabs Ryan by the arms and escorts him off stage]

Ryan: [screaming from behind the curtain] Avenge me Tina Fey! Avenge me!

_____________________________________________________________________________

Wasn't that fun?!
For the record none of that ever happened.
However I am in S. Darko (despite the trailer) which was released late last month.
I don't know if it's any good 'cause I haven't seen it-- so I'd feel weird about endorsing it, but if you want to see me in a movie, you could try that one. Good Luck!

Traditions of Our Fathers

2009-05-05T16:28:00.001-06:00

In keeping with tradition...

Happy Cinco de Mustache from my family to yours!!

Pee, Poop, and Toot-- The Comedy Styllings of a 4 Year Old

2009-04-09T11:56:00.007-06:00

Why is it that the mention of any bodily function and/or fluid so funny to a 4 year old? Just now using the words "bodily function and fluid" made me a little sick to my stomach. So why is it that the proper verbiage invokes queasiness and the more childish; Pee, Poop, and Toot create hours of laughter for those of us who are immature enough. I guess that's not really the point of this post-- but if you've got any ideas let me know.

Here are some of Jefferson's cleaner jokes. Enjoy!

Joke 1
J: How does a horse count to 10?

Me: I don't know. How?

J: With his fingers.

Joke 2
J: Knock Knock

Me: Who's there?

J: Doctor.

Me: Doctor Who?

J: Nope. It's Doctor House. (who happens to be Jefferson television nemesis)

Joke 3
J: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: I don't know. Why?

J: Maybe there was something over there he wanted.

Joke 4
J: How does a camel count to 25?

Me: How?

J: Sitting down.

Joke 5
J: Knock Knock

Me: Who's there?

J: Wolverine

Me: Wolverine who?

J: You know! Wolverine from X-Men.

Spontaneous Thought: If I ever decide to write a kid's show it will be called Professor Peepoop n ' Toot-- like Yo Gabba Gabba, but with Professor Peepoop n ' Toot instead of D.J. Lance and the little characters will be large plush representations of various bacterias, viruses, and chemicals Professor Peepoop n ' Toot has been experimenting with. One will undoubtedly be Methane. Hours of fun!

Happy Birthday to...

2009-03-26T08:14:00.005-06:00

I think you would be surprised at how many wonderfully talented, quirky, and even some bizarre individuals that have a March 26th birthday. A quick google search revealed many composers, poets, and playwrights. It was quiet fascinating. I'm actuality a little surprised I have never done this for my own birthday (Feb 21... don't worry, you missed it). But of all those famous writers, actors, and athletes who share a March 26th birth date, I want to wish a very Happy Birthday to my personal favorite-- Jefferson Templeman, who turned 4 today.
Jefferson is my son and one of my best freinds. He is so fun and playful and he makes me laugh all the time (sometimes out of embarasement). He is very smart, witty, and sociable-- and just as talented, quirky, and bizarre as any of the individuals on this list.
Jefferson, I am excited to see what you will do with yourself. Happy Birthday buddy! Love Dad

For your entertainment a few visual reasons why Jefferson happens to be my favorite March 26th birthday.

Martin Short is 59 today, while Jefferson poses as Dr.Octopus-- that's where my trend setting goggles went.

John Stockton, Utah Jazz legend is 48-- Jefferson sporting his Spongebob Square Pants team colors. (yeah-- that's one of those embarassing laughs)

For all you nerds (like you didn't know), Leonard Nimoy (aka Mr Spock) is 78 and holding a pet cat. Jefferson here showing off his pet Fido (an imaginary fly).

Big mouth rocker Steven Tyler from Aerosmith is 61. Jefferson making his own fashion statements.

Tennessee Williams/Jefferson Templeman-- no explanation needed.

The Sky is Fallin'

2009-03-20T10:40:00.006-06:00

WARNING: THIS POST MAY BE A BIT OF A BUMMER FOR SOME!!

So I guess the End of the World is coming. The year 2012 from what I understand from various sources amongst my Facebook friends.

"2012 is marked by a Muslim mythical end of time 'Coming of Mehdi' - God will destroy morally bankrupt mankind and true Islam will rule. Nostradamus also predicted the end of the world around that time." -- Jyri Makela

"They Mayan Calendar also states the end of the world at 2012." -- Joel Petrie

"Check out the Colony Collapse Disorder epidemic. Bees are disappearing... Within four years of that, humanity will suffer and become extinct as well...interesting article to read! Everything seems to be leading to 2012!" -- Tawnie Bowers

While certainly none of these people (that I know of) are experts on the matter, I'm sure their sources can be verified by a simple google search. In doing so myself I was able to get an exact date Yule or Winter Solstice of 2012 which is Dec. 21st-- right before Christmas :(

So I have to say I'm pretty disappointed. I mean I had some big things planned for the next 5 to 50 years and now it turns I only have 3.66 years. I've got to be honest, I don't think I can manage to do all the things I want to do in that short amount of time.

Here is a brief look at some of the things I would like to do, but likely not get around to:

1. Eat a pie... after the age 35
2. Dodge the draft for War World III
3. Be the oldest heavy weight champion of the world
4. Get a seniors discount at the movies
5. Spearhead the largest escape from a senior care facility in US history
6. Grow Old & Die

So if the world is indeed ending on Dec 21, 2012-- should I do Christmas shopping that year "just in case"?

Really what I'm looking for is some reason not to believe the world will end in 2012. If you got any, let me know.

Important Infomation for ALL Bloggers

2009-03-04T11:02:00.005-07:00

Let's talk for a minute about the Worldwide Web-- and more specifically the exit of "Blogger Sites" on this information highway. I certainly enjoy blogging-- it is therapeutic in a way. I even enjoy reading other people's blogs (sometimes). I would imagine anyone reading this could say they find themselves in the same boat. Now I'm going to tell you something, and it may apply to you and it may not, but... I HATE THE MUSIC ON YOUR BLOG. There I said it. It's not that you have bad taste in music (though many of you do). It just doesn't mesh with my music-- literally doesn't mesh. See when I'm on my computer my iTunes is open and playing, and when I visit your blog you blast me with your Michael Bubble and what not-- and while you may feel that everyone should enjoy Mr. Bubble's music the fact is they don't especially when he tries to drown out the music they (your blogs readers) like to listen to. To help you understand what I'm talking about I've just created a little allegory. I call it the allegory of The Fearful Flea Marketeer. (I'm just making this up as I go, so bear with me).

At a flea market, the Marketeer walks the path between the booths, each displaying their own unique assortment of goods. The Marketeer is not on a quest for anything particular, simply browsing the vast selection of items at the market. Upon entering one vendors booth a yappy little dog darts out from under on of the tables and begins to bite the Marketeer. A swift kick later, the Marketeer is looking over the contents of the booth. A few booth later, the Marketeer enters a booth filled with old books only to be quickly overwhelmed by the smell of old lady perfume. The smell certainly unpleasant, doesn't detour the Marketeer from perusing the books. A few hours later, the Marketeer enters a booth filled with beautiful paintings. Upon enter the booth a pair of proselyting Jehovah's Witnesses begin spoutting their ideology for the Marketeer. The Marketeer promptly exits the booth. At the conclusion of the day the Marketeer dies and goes to the great big market in the sky, where he finds no dogs, overwhelming odors, or Jehovah's Witnesses*. The end.

I don't know-- Did that work?

*I, by no means, intent to imply that Jehovah's Witness will not be present at the great big market in the sky or any other similar post-earthy realm of existence. I'm sure there will be at least 144,000 of them there. :)

The Lawnmower Man

2009-02-24T09:47:00.001-07:00

And the Winner is...

2009-02-18T12:31:00.006-07:00

I'm a fan of the Academy Awards, really for no other reason than I follow movies. I don't know that I necessarily agree with 'The Academy' on what or who is nominated at times, but I certainly agree that good film-making needs to be recognized. I suppose if I followed more closely the music industry the Grammy's would be worth watching (maybe). Unlike a song or an album, the adjudication of a film just seems to fit better.

I have mixed feeling about this year. For some reason I feeling like 2008 was a disappointment in some ways in comparison to the last two years. I don't believe there is a movie (at least that I've seen) that approachs the caliber of either of the best picture winner The Departed or No Country for Old Men-- and yet that kind of exciting because it's all up in the air.

Here are my predictions for some of the catagories:

Best Picture
Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire
Should win: probably Benjamin Button, but I'm fine with a Slumdog victory.

Best Director
Will Win: David Fincher (Benjamin Button)
Should Win: David Fincher (Benjamin Button)-- I won't be surprised by Slumdog's Danny Boyle here either.

Best Actor
Will Win: Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)
Should Win: Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)-- Mickey Rourke's character in The Wrestler was more real than any other charcter I've seen in years.

Best Actress
Will Win: Kate Winslet (The Reader)
Should Win: Meryl Streep (Doubt)-- She can't win enough in my opinion. Winslet probably should have been nominated for Revolutionary Road as well so...

Best Supporting Actor
Will Win: Heath Ledger (Batman Returns)
Should Win: Heath Ledger (Batman Returns)-- 90% Preformance, 10% Sympathy, still very deserving.

Best Supporting Actress
Will Win: Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona)
Should Win: Amy Adams (Doubt)-- What a year she has had. She'll get hers eventually.

Best Art Direction
Will Win: Benjamin Button
Should Win: Benjamin Button

Best Cinematography
Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire
Should Win: Benjamin Button

Best Animated Feature
Will Win: WALL-E
Should Win: WALL-E

So there you have it.

Late Night

2009-02-09T09:49:00.004-07:00

I'm a pretty vivid dreamer. Not sure whether this was a conscientious or subconsciencious dream happening somewhere between falling asleep and being asleep. I don't want to make a habit of blogging about my dreams... that's just lame, but I feel I have to with this one.

I was on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

Conan: Our first guest tonight is the star of an upcoming movie. Please welcome to the stage Mr. Ryan Templeman.

I enter as the crowd claps politely.

Conan: Welcome to the show.

Ryan: Thanks for having me. How's the new late night treating you?

Conan: I thought I would ask the questions, but okay... this show sucks. It is slowly eating me alive. And I cry myself to sleep every night... on a bed full of money. [Evil Laugh that turns to a cry and then a sigh]. So I've been looking forward to chatting with you ever since I found out you were coming on the show... fifteen minutes ago. So apparently you're psychic?

Ryan: I suppose a little bit, though I've yet to figure out how to use my power for evil.

Conan: No really, a couple years ago you wrote a blog about this very encounter.

Ryan: It's not nearly as interesting as it sounds. Just goofing around I wrote about being on your show.

Conan: How long ago?

Ryan: It was awhile ago. Maybe...

Conan: Wait. I feel like we need some creepy music. Can I get some creepy music?

the music from 'In the Year 2000' begins to play.

Conan: Excellent. Please continue.

Ryan: So I wrote a dialog between myself and you and posted it on my blog.

Conan: I actually have a copy of that dialog you wrote here. Do you mind if I read it?

I smile, try to look hesitant, and quickly oblige the cheering audience.
Conan reads the dialog [that you're reading now] aloud.

Conan: Wow. That's fascinating stuff. And you know what else is fascinating? The new movie your in. See how I did that transition. I'm a legend. That's why I get paid the 'beaucoup' bucks. [Evil Laugh that turns to a cry and then a sigh]. Alright so I understand we have a clip from your new movie. You wanna set it up for us.

Ryan: No thanks.

Conan laughs.

Ryan: It's self-explanatory.

Conan: Alright let's run the clip.

A clip of some movie plays.

Conan: And there you have it. Ryan thanks for being on the show.

Ryan: Thank you.

Conan: Go see this movie. We'll be right back with Parker Posey.

Ryan: I love Parker Posey. Mind if I stick around? I'll behave.

Conan: You have my permission, but just remember, She is mine!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there it is. Hopefully now you can see why I felt like I needed to blog this.

Postcards from Paris

2009-01-29T14:59:00.009-07:00

For some reason I like to think because I'm an 'artist' (in some form), I am therefore a good photographer. Why that is, I'm not entirely sure. It probably falls into the same egotistical catergory that causes actors to play the political savant on talk shows.

Reagrdless here are some pictures I took of my trip to Paris that I believe could be sold as postcards. Judge for yourself.

I'll go from what I consider best to worst. Most of them are black and white-- because otherwise there's colors to deal with and that requires real talent.

Sacre Coeur

I took this picture under great duress whilest a persistant gentleman
tried to get me to put my finger in a string.

L'Arc de Triomphe

The couple walking in the background is actually two woman, though I don't think you can really tell. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

The Effiel Tower

Why say anything else?

La Fountaine des Innocents

This is my favorite fountain in Paris (though I've never seen it working).

It is so massive and yet the only place the water comes from

is that little fountain in the middle.

Chateau de Versailles

Like everywhere in Paris,

you need to be on the look out for people stealing your stuff--

even angels are bad news.

Just some apartment building

When you're surrounded by beautiful towering monuments,

sometimes you just forget to look around at the little things in this city.

Dali Museum

This isn't really a great picture, but I'm a big fan of Dali so I included it anyway.

Here are a couple other "not great pictures-- but personal favorites".

La Jeune Martyre

This is probably my favorite non-Dali painting.

It's pretty morbid, I know, but for some reason I can't not stare at it.

The Winged Victory of Samothrace

Easily my favorite sculpture. She is one foxy lady.

These are two pictures Andrea took-- and I think they're pretty awesome.

Prayer Candles in Notre Dame

Sculptures of guys looking at their penises. Yeah she's a sicko!

My Nigerian Prince

2009-01-19T18:10:00.005-07:00

A few years back there was this widely spoken of email going around about a Nigerian Prince. I always wanted to get that email. There was just something exciting, romantic even about it-- a Nigerian Prince sending me an email. So you can well imagine my surprise when I found this email in my inbox the other day.

It's not from a Prince, it's from a doctor (the second best thing), with connections to Nigeria (from my understanding, one of the most truthworthy places on earth). Apparently my Nigerian friends (I can only assume it's the Prince) have been trying to send me money all this time. Dr. Hassan (who thankfully had my email) contacted me about the failed wire transfers. There is some confusion we apparently need to clear up; someone owes Dr. Hassan $80,000-- I forwarded the email on to my health insurance, so hopefully they'll cover part of it. He is a doctor after all.

Man, I feel real bad for Dr. Hassan-- he is totally getting railroaded: he could lose his job, his wife could go to prison, and he's not getting paid for his work-- all this to help me get the funds my Nigerian Prince is trying to send me. Well I can make this right, I'll I need to do is:

Provide Dr. Hassan a good compensation (my discresion) for his hard work up to this point.
Not contact my Nigerian friends regarding this transaction (easy enough, I don't currently have any).
Stop paying the Central Bank of Nigeria Officers (oops... must be an auto-pay from my checking account).
Set up a U.S foreign account under my name for Mrs. Hassan and deposit the "fair compensation" (yet to be determined).
Endorse (which means 'sign' I think) a TT fund release approval documents so Mrs. Hassan can collect those funds. And finally...
Promise not to contact anyone at the Central Bank of Nigeria regarding Dr. Hassan's involvement in this transaction.

Six simple steps in order to gain the incalculable montary treasure the Pirnce has been trying to send me. I wonder how much it will be? Too much to mention in his email. Don't worry I won't forget about the little people.

This is the first thing I'm buying.

Oh and just cause you're jealous, don't try and tell me this is just a scam. It's way too complicated and complex to be completly made up. Beside Dr. Hassan wouldn't do that to me. He is a man of his word.

From the Desk of Dr. Usman Hassan

GOOD DAY,

RE: THE REASON WHY YOU HAVE NOT SUCCEEDED IN RECEIVING YOUR FUND

After waiting to hear from you or your Nigerian partner for a long time now, I decided to make this direct approach to you as my new resolution in other not to let it be if I have anything in mind against you. I do not know if you have asked yourself why each time the release of this fund is approved, all of a sudden, the payment will be stopped or one problem or the other will come up if you have not asked this question or you do not know, this is an opportunity for me to tell you.

Some time ago, your Nigerian friends, I mean the people that introduced you to the project approached me through my dear wife who work with the Federal Ministry of Finance and requested me to assist them conclude a money transfer deal they had with you. They requested me to assist them by removing the original contractor’s name, company’s name and bank particulars from the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) vetting computer and replacing them with your name and bank details in order to make you appear as the rightful beneficiary of this fund.

I agreed on condition that they will pay me US $80,000.00 as soon as your name appears as the beneficiary. I did as agreed and demanded to be paid, but your friends started telling me stories, they even told me you promised to send money to me.

Do you know that up till now, I have not received a single cent from them and have not set my eyes on any of them? Based on their attitude, I decided to stop the fund release movement because I cannot be denied of my right in my own office considering the risk as it might affect my job.. Secondly, I know the source of the funds that you did not execute any contract in Nigeria , although I am the only person privileged to know this information and it is a fact. Why I am making this clear to you is that I can see that you are still making efforts in order to conclude this project. Now I am ready to forget the past.

I do not need the US $80.000.00 any longer from you but a good compensation from your mind. I need your assurance that those colleagues will be totally kept out of this transaction. I know that none of them is aware of my new approach to you. Stop spending your money unnecessarily to CBN Officers both here and overseas because you will not receive this money without my hand in it. I personally did the work at the beginning and only I can perform it. Finally,

I need your promise that no official of the Central Bank of Nigeria will be aware of my involvement in this regard because of my position. Now re-assure me that you will be willing to compensate me and that you will assist my wife to establish a foreign account in your country where my compensation will be lodged. Also a TT FUND RELEASE APPROVAL DOCUMENTS will be sent to you for endorsement after which I will remit the money within 48 hours.

I am a man of my word. If you are ready to conclude this business with me, kindly contact me on my so that we can have a chat over this issue once and for all. But if the reverse is the case, do not bother yourself to reach me and forget about this money.

BEST REGARDS
Dr. Usman Hassan
Chair Payment Verification Panel

New Year, New Blog

2009-01-14T15:32:00.007-07:00

I'm offically launching my new blog project. It is essentially a number of short scene and monologues I've written. Fear not, I will keep this one in order to vent and post life updates.

Please check it out http://scenesational.blogspot.com/
If you enjoy it-- I'd appreciate a plug.

Speaking of plugs, here's a link to a blog I just recently discovered.
http://myregisblog.blogspot.com/
If you're well versed in the Mormon culture, it's a good laugh. Enjoy!

The Auditioner

2009-01-13T16:44:00.009-07:00

The Auditioner - watch more funny videos

Very funny and sadly very accurate.
Being an actor is so glamorous.

Great job Kate!

2008 Acheivement Awards

2009-01-12T10:44:00.019-07:00

I'm a big fan of fabricating arbitrary awards that are otherwise meaningless, I guess I'm like Oprah in that way.
Here we go.

Best Movie Award
Nominees Included:
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
In Bruges
Lars and the Real Girl

The 2008 Winner of the "Best Movie" Award goes to...

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

I generally try to avoid terrible movies when at all possible. My in-laws, however have a strange fasination for them, so every once in a while I will test my mental dexterity by watching one.

The "Worst Movie" Award goes to... EAGLE EYE.

The "Movie Killer" Award
Nominees Included:
M. Night Shyamalan
Mike Myers
Shia LaBeouf

The "Movie Killer" Award goes to...

BRENDAN FRASER

Congratulations on two giant flops in 2008.

Favorite TV Series Award
Nominees Included:
Dexter
House
The Office

The 2008 Winner of the "Favorite TV Series" Award goes to...

Thank you Tina Fey for making at least one of the Baldwin's relevant again.

There is a fair amount of children television being watched in our household giving that we have a 3 year old. As you would expect, most of them are painful for adults with one exception.

The 2008 Winner of the "Favorite Kids Show" Award goes to...

YO GABBA GABBA

Soundtrack of 2008 Award
Nominees Included:
The Cure
Glen Phillips
Kate Bush
Neil Young

The Winner of "Soundtrack of 2008" Award goes to...

MORRISSEY

The 2008 "Repeat Album" Award goes to...

RADIOHEAD'S IN RAINBOWS

The 2008 "Musical Discovery" Award goes to...

RAY LAMONTAGNE

(Andrea is credited with this find)

Personal Photography Award
The 2008 Winner of the "Personal Photography" Award goes to...

REDRUM TUBBY

The 2008 Winner of the "Best Photo Compilation" Award goes to...

THE MANY FACES OF JEFFERSON TEMPLEMAN

Envy Awards
Female Envy Award Nominee Included:
Amy Ryan
Misty May-Treanor
Stevie Nicks

The 2008 Winner of the "Female Envy" Award goes to...

TINA FEY

The Sarah Palin thing just fell into her lap, but as the creator/writer and self effacing star of television's best show 30 Rock-- she deserves all of our envy. She hovers around a 7 on the "Hot Scale", but can be done up to a 8 or 9 with minimal effort.

Male Envy Award Nominee Included:
Asafa Powell
Ben Foster
Michael Jackson-- (money, music, and dance moves ONLY)

The 2008 Winner of the "Male Envy" Award goes to...

DAVID BECKHAM

'nough said!

The Ultimate Jagweed Award
Nominees Included:
Bill Belichick
Michael Phelps
Sean Hannity

The 2008 Winner of the "Ultimate Jagweed" Award goes to...

KIM JONG IL

Yes I realize Michael Phelps is petty in comparison to World War III, that why he didn't win... turns out he can't win everything. Belichick leaned that the hard way. Booyah!

Best Blog Post Award
Nominees Included:
Ma'Goon-- by Its the Life
The Story of Sally-- by My Friend Sally
There Will Be Blood DVD: The 3rd Revelation Edition-- Vox Espavesco, Vox Dei

The 2008 Winner of the "Best Blog Post" Award goes to... Lost-- by The Jolly Porter.

Good Times.

So This Is Chrismakwanzika

2008-12-17T13:19:00.009-07:00

Every year it seems the politically correct jargon of this holiday season tends to puts a number of Stockings, Dashikis, and Yamikas in a bunch. What's most interesting to me is the disdain people have for the expression 'Happy Holidays' as though it were a personal insult.

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm not necessarily one for political correctness, but I certainly understand and accept it. The right to worship whomever and however one pleases is a fundamental human right and as such any entity, institution, or governing body comprised of more than one of those belief systems should be inclusive of all parties, and thus use the politically correct 'Happy Holidays'. In my opinion even a company with 99.9% of their staff being Christian should still maintain the 'Happy Holidays' greeting. Now there are exceptions to the rule: a Catholic school with obvious ties to Christian ideology could use 'Merry Christmas' though not all the students and/or staff may be Christians.

That said, just because your company wishes you 'Happy Holidays' doesn't mean you can't say 'Merry Christmas' or 'Happy Hanukkah' or 'Joyous Kwanzaa' to your co-workers. You are a human and have the right to your religious convictions and by saying 'Merry Christmas' you are expressing your faith. You shouldn't feel guilt or shame for well-wishing a friend, colleague, or stranger, regardless of your greeting. Now if someone were to wish me a Happy Hanukkah I would think one of two things 1) they are Jewish or 2) they've noticed the pronounced profile of my nose and believe I am Jewish. Regardless, I would accept their holiday greeting, it doesn't diminish my beliefs in any way, but what do I say back? Do I say Merry Christmas and run the risk of either insulting or embarrassing them? I think I would respond with a Happy Hanukkah, but then next year, during the holiday, I would be sure to greet them first with a hearty 'Merry Christmas'-- I wonder what they would say back? You know I think I may just start wishing people a 'Joyous Kwanzaa'. I don't know that I've ever heard anyone wish any one else a 'Joyous Kwanzaa'-- I've actually only ever met one person who celebrated Kwanzaa. If you celebrate Kwanzaa let me know. I would love to get a Joyous Kwanzaa card or even a Happy Hanukkah card for that matter. I wonder if they make a "There is no God but Allah" card? Or 'Wishing You A Warm Winter Solstice' greeting? Seriously if you see one-- you know where to send it.

Merry Christmas to All!

To date my holiday greeting cards are as follows:
(I will update this list periodically)

Happy Holidays/Season's Greetings/Etc. (8)

Merry Christmas (6)

Happy Hanukkah (0)

Joyous Kwanzaa (0)

There is no God but Allah (0)

Warm Winter Solstice (1)

Other (0)

Peanut Butter Fudge-- It's what's for Breakfast!

2008-12-08T15:26:00.008-07:00

As the holiday season descends upon us like a jaguar from an Acacia tree, I am always amazed to watch as the standard year-round rules go out the window. First thing in the morning I find myself with my boy opening one of the doors on those countdown to Christmas advent calendars. Gee, what great parenting? "Here son, have a solid piece of chocolate for breakfast. It'll get your day started off right. Do you want some coffee as well?" Last night we were watching a show and Jefferson climb up next to me and he was covered in chocolate and still had some in his mouth. It was like 10 o'clock at night! "Where'd you get that?" I asked. "I found it... it's delicious!". And here I am wondering why he's still wired. Of course there is no changing it now-- the precedent has been set-- it's chocolate for breakfast at least until Christmas, then it's back to fruit and the accompanying "I hate you"s. 'Tis the season to indulge, I guess. There was a smorgasbord of fudge circulating the office... at 9:30 a.m this morning. Yes it seems not even a nutritional health company is impervious this phenomenon. It appears to happen in every facet of our lives-- all of the sudden the things we couldn't afford 2-3 months ago become reasonable; we start sleeping in a bit and cutting out from work a little early. Is it any wonder that our version of Saint Nicholas is a jolly old fat guy that doesn't shave and only works one day a year-- and on that one day, he brings happiness to children all over the world and gets to eat incalculable amounts of cookies in the process. There is no doubt-- Santa's got the hook up!
Once you recognizing these tendencies it is no wonder that New Year's come with making resolutions: pay off your bills, lose weight, stop eating chocolate for breakfast. We need these resolutions to counteract the bad habits we've gotten ourselves into during the holiday season. It's a wonderful little checks & balances system we've got here.
I'm certainly not pointing fingers. I am just as guilty (or more so) as the next, but that's what truly makes it a holiday, does it not? Everyone deserves to "take a break" from the rules once in awhile and at Christmas time everyone is doing it at the same time-- it is almost chaotic. In my opinion that's what makes this holiday season so great-- well that and celebrating the birth of Jesus.

A Tribute to Taking it Easy

2008-12-02T10:34:00.007-07:00

Take It Easy-- The Eagles

Well, I'm running down the road tryin' to loosen my load.

Ive got seven women on my mind.

Four that wanna own me, two that wanna stone me, one says shes a friend of mine.

Take it easy, take it easy. Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.

Lighten up while you still can. Don't even try to understand.

Just find a place to make your stand and take it easy.

Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona and such a fine sight to see.

Its a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford slowin' down to take a look at me.

Come on, baby, don't say maybe. I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me.

We may lose and we may win though we will never be here again.

So open up, I'm climbin' in, so take it easy.

Well I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load, got a world of trouble on my mind. Lookin' for a lover who won't blow my cover, shes so hard to find.

Take it easy, take it easy. Don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy.

Come on baby, don't say maybe I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me.

We got it easy, we oughta take it easy.

I hate the Eagles-- always have and probably always will! It's just country music trying to disguise itself as classic rock. There I said it!
The point of this is not to enrage the hordes of faithful Eagles fans who've accidentally stumbled onto this blog looking for the lyrics to Take it Easy. No. Rather it is a tribute to one such Eagles fan, my Dad! Someone who could truly identify with those twangy vocals. A man for whom taking it easy was never as simlpe as it sounded in the song. And today I miss him more than usual.

Time to take it easy Dad!

Flashback Friday

2008-11-21T09:52:00.006-07:00

Don't you just love my killer red boots?!

My First Presidential Vote

2008-11-05T10:11:00.013-07:00

As promised, a blog and some pictures of my first presidential vote. It was about what I expected-- and really exciting! I cut my hair specifically for the occasion... that way I wouldn't have to hear the audible mumblings of "Damn Hippie" from the other (more patriotic) Americans in line.Look at me being a responsible American citizen supporting the Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, where Freedom reigns like Cats and Dogs, Red, White, and Blue through and through baby. Take that Putin!

Now I'm not going to pretend like I was the most informed voter at the polls that day-- there are far too many "know-it-alls" lobbying for that honor as it is. No, I must be honest I was caught of guard by a few of the ballot items, but I just took a deep breath, concentrated, and focused my mind on the right answer. The results are finally in and I'm proud to announce I got 53% of my votes correct! That includes leaving only one question blank and a number of write-in votes for Lou Diamond Phillips, Santana, Mickey Rooney, Perry Mason, and Carol Burnett. Some of you may be saying, "53% that's not a good result" and to you I say, "If it is good enough to win President-Elect, it's good enough for me."All things considered, I'm quite happy with that result, but I can't take all the credit-- there was a little luck involved.Those of you considering bringing a lucky nickle to the polls next year, you may also want to consider bringing a die as well-- as there are a number of questions with more than two possible answers and often I found myself flipping the coin a number of times per question as I conducted a crude and impromptu elimination process.

Regardless my congratulations to Barrack Obama and running mate Joe Bidden on their historic win-- but as far as I'm concerned there are no losers here. I would now like to take the time to present some token honors and awards to the other various presidential and vice presidential candidates not fortunate enough to be Democrats during this paticular election season.

Just for being a part of the 2008 Presidential race Cynthia McKinney and Rosa Clemente of the Green party will both be receiving brand new 2009 Hummer H3Ts. That's right Ladies the 'T' is for Turbo! And Charles Jay and Thomas Knapp of the Boston Tea party will each receive $50 gift certificates to Starbucks and a formal invite to the twenty-first century. While Brian Moore and Stewart Alexander of the actual Socialist party have recieved free one-way tickets on China Airlines to beautiful Xīnyíng, Communist China. Zai Jain fellas, Zai Jain!

Good news for Ralph Nader he has been awarded an honorary "Lifetime Achievement" award for all his... achievements... and spirit!

The award for "Life of the Party" goes to Gene Amondson of the Prohibition party. Way to go Gene, drinks are on me!

Of course it wouldn't be America if we didn't have a dazzling Prom Queen-- was there any doubt... it's... Sarah Palin. [the crowd roars]. What a vision of beauty, absolutely ravishing!

Last but certainly not least-- To John McCain I award the highly coveted Purple Heart for bravery, courage, and grace in the face of almost certain defeat. I solute you good Sir! Good show!

To all involved-- the politicians, the voters, the volunteers, the ralliers, the liberal media, the talk radio personalities, the hate mongerers, the list goes on and on-- I simply want to say thanks for making this 2008 Presidential election so entertaining-- give yourselves a pat on the back. Bravo!

**No Awards were actually presented. In all cases these awards, honors, and parting gifts were complete fabrications.**

Remember, Remember the 5th of November

2008-11-05T09:33:00.006-07:00

Remember the Fifth of November, Gunpowder, Treason, and Plot
I see no Reason why Gunpowder, Treason should ever be Forgot.

Lest it be forgot-- I have made it a tradition the past few years to watch the film V for Vendetta on November 5th-- and I will do so again this year.
The film is based on a comic book series released in the late 80's by DC Comics. I've never read them but I've been told the film is quite accurate. Essentially the story uses the Gunpowder Plot and Guy Fawks as a starting point to examine various political themes, notably the relationship of Anarchism and Fascism.

My reason for ceremoniously watching the film is it's particular message regarding 'fear'-- or rather 'fearlessness'. See on my way to work this morning I passed a number of cars with their 'McCain/Palin' bumper stickers, and in the windows I saw some worried, even fearful folks-- "Oh my Gosh! We just elected a socialist. I wonder if I should move to Canada." While others thought, "It's the beginning of the End. The Apocalypse is nigh... and I don't have nearly enough food storage." To them (and everyone) I wish to say, Fear not! Watch the movie-- but please DO NOT blow up any parliament buildings... if you do (and again I strongly encourage you not to); but if you can not seem to help yourself, please do not reference this blog as your reason for doing it. Thanks.

Playing with Lego 2.0

2008-11-04T10:07:00.009-07:00

For those of you who perhaps were doubtful of my trend setting abilities--I just randomly came across this story and felt the overwhelming desire to share it.

THE GIANT 8FT LEGO MAN WHO WASHED UP ON THE BEACH
By Daily Mail ReporterLast updated at 7:02 PM on 30th October 2008
At 8ft tall and wearing a garish green jersey he's not the sort of chap to get lost down the sofa. In fact, you'd think he was unlikely to get lost at all. But someone (possibly someone big), somewhere is missing a key bit of their Lego set. The colourful character mysteriously washed up on Brighton beach yesterday spawning dozens of tales - soon to become local legend - about where he may have come from.

While some believe he floated from Denmark-where there is a Legoland park), others suggest he toppled off a ship. Of course, there's always the cynical possibility he's part of a publicity stunt.
Resident Gerry Turner, 34, said: 'It's very odd. God knows how it got here but people are saying it's from Holland because it's got some Dutch writing on it. 'It must have fallen off a boat of something. The kids love it.' Children who helped stand the Lego man up on the beach were desperately curious about where it came from. One said: 'It's great, but we don't know why it's here.'
A spokesman for Brighton and Hove City Council said town hall officials had no idea of the origin of the Lego man, but added that they saw no difficulty in letting it stay on the beach where it washed up. He said: 'There's no problem at all. It will be interesting to see how long the Lego man stays there for. We'll keep an eye on it.' But Lego was insistent: 'We're bemused. He has nothing to do with us.' The Lego giant's arrival on the East Sussex shingle yesterday morning comes two years after an armada of plastic ducks landed on British shores. Borne on the ocean currents, the ducks had made a 17,000-mile odyssey from the Pacific where they had been washed from a container ship in a 1992 storm.

I believe I may have found the origins of this valiant maritime marauder--

(this video may not be suitable for some viewers).

Looks like there will be a lot more people in Jolly Ol' England playing with Lego.

A Look Back at October 31st, 2008

2008-11-03T14:09:00.011-07:00

Here are some of pictures from Halloween '08.

After an over-whelming response from my faithful blog readers, and a grand total of one vote, I decided to go as Richie Tenenbaum for Halloween this year.

I quickly realized that this must be a more obscure movie reference than I had first thought. That's too bad because it is certainly one of my favorites.

All said the Templeman family fielded
1 Richie Tenenbaum (me)
1 Poisonous Mushroom (Andrea)
1 Ironman/Tony Stark (Jefferson)

Ironman/Tony (w/ mask, w/o mask) took the lead showing Madame Butterfly (cousin Ava) how Trick or Treating is done...

Relentless Knocking!
Sometimes upwards of 20-30 knocks per door.

Some other photos from the day.

'The Dude' with his wee-ones: a witch and... maybe a turtle... or a dragon?!

Yes 250 dollars, 3 hours, and 50% of his hair later-- you have the Dark Knight's 'Two Face'.
Come on! All that work and you can't even be accurate to the film, (notice it is the wrong side of his face?).
What a shame, a good effort though.

In my honest opinion the "Best Costume" of the year, Hands Down!
'State Puff Marshmallow Man'
Something in the range of 8 feet tall!
Well done Tony!

It's Finally Here!

2008-10-30T10:28:00.005-06:00

Those of you who now of my love for Halloween are probably expecting an update on my plans for tomorrow night or my costume or whatever-- but you're not going to get it. That's right, there is something I esteem just as exciting as Halloween that looms even closer than All Hallows Eve-- it's the 30 ROCK Premier tonight! Yes and despite the shameless plugs they've been giving themselves on SNL Weekend Updates and all the hoopla around the celebrity cameos that will be appearing during the season-- I am excited like a little Ethiopian boy at a Sizzler buffet.

Since the advent (and my purchase) of the DVR or Digital Video Recorder, I've become an avid TV watcher. I have a few select television programs that subscribe to, and by far my favorite of them is 30 ROCK (notice my respect by capitalizing the title) . It is the perfect storm of original story lines, neurotic characters, superior writing, and Jack Donaghy. Now if someone had told me 3 years ago I would be a fan of a Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan, and Alec Balwin television show I say, "What's it about?", and then when they told what it was about I would say, "So it's really just backstage at SNL and they're making very little attempt to mask it.", and I probably wouldn't have giving it a chance because Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip had already come up with that same idea and it has Amanda Peet and she is sexier than Tina Fey: a decision I would woefully regret. Thankfully that is a completely fabricated, hypothetical story meant only to vaguely illustrate my surprising intrigue for this show. And now as season 3 begins with an episode entitled "Do-Over", I find myself regretting ever thinking that Amanda Peet was sexier than Tina Fey, sure Amanda is a looker, but she just doesn't have the 'je ne sais quoi' that Tina Fey possesses-- maybe it has to do with this whole Sarah Palin thing. Sometimes I like to image that Sarah Palin was the Miss Alaska runner up to Tina Fey-- wouldn't that have be weird?!

Anyway if you're not already hooked on this show and anxiously awaiting it's return to primetime Thursday night-- Check it out!

Talking Politics with a Damn Canadian

2008-10-13T11:58:00.020-06:00

Let's just get it out in the open! For the record I was not born and raised in America, however much it pains you to believe it-- I am an American! Now, I'm willing to admit it's possible I just don't understand all the subtle nuances that makes the American democratic process the greatest in the world--maybe it is, I'm just not convinced. See in my observation there are at least 5 types of voters in America, and yet only 2 parties: Democrat and Republican.

Democrats want the government to be an active influence in their daily life. Providing fundamental support to those in need whether in food, finance, or health care. The poor or lower income families are generally Democrats as they are in most need of these reliefs. They are essentially just "woe is me", bleeding hearts looking for a handout: a free trip in the Land of the Free at the expense of the hardworking middle and upper classes.

Republicans on the other hand feel government should have minimal influence in the lives of Americans. The United States was founded on this American Dream ideology-- be what you want to be without government controls and interference. Now those fortunate enough to be living the American Dream in wealth and income are Republican. Greedy, hoarding, pompous, and selfish capitalists eager to manipulate and hold down the lower and middle class for their personal gain.

So now you start to fragment a little more. You have the Conservatives-- these people vote strictly on moral grounds. They believe the world is headed down the sewer and we need to cling to our heritage and belief. "God Bless America", but He'll only do it if our President is Conservative Christian and in tune with God's will. A progressive society is threatening to their moral ground, but rather than be unpopular (like the Amish) they'd rather force you to be like them.

In contrast, you have the Liberals, they also vote on moral grounds. They believe a number of our American traditions to be unjust, alienating, or even barbaric. Many Liberals are Liberals simply because they find themselves on the other side of one of these issues. These are the "boat-rockers" or "envelope-pushers" if you will. They no longer want to be ridiculed for their ridiculous un-conforming behaviors; however once their behavior is "accepted" they will feel the need to un-conform once again, thus creating an expanding and growing list of ridiculous behaviors the rest of us will have to endure and explain to our children.

The Democrats embrace the Liberals while the Republicans align themselves with the Conservatives and it seems that regardless of the issues the words Democrat & Liberal and Republican & Conservative are nearly interchangeable now. Which to me is unfortunate, what about the Democratic Conservatives? or the Liberal Republicans? It sounds like an oxymoron, but those people exists and yet they do not have a party to voice they're position. I've found most of these people will vote based on their moral position rather than political position. So a Democratic Conservative is actually a Republican and a Liberal Republican is a Democrat.

Voter movement between these two parties is generally infrequent. Because these ideologies are polar opposites it is unlikely that someone will fully moves from one party to another within a single election term. Hell it took 8 years for everyone to finally start hating the George W. Furthermore the moral politics make it even more difficult. Even if you don't like the current Republican government under Bush you're likely still Conservative and will thus vote Republican hoping that it is just The President himself that is the problem and not the political strategies currently in place.

What is so exciting about this election is there are two brand new voter fragments thrown into the mix. The Racists and the Sexists.

For some, simply the fact that Obama is black will be enough reason for them to vote for or against him regardless of his politics or moral stances. These are the Racists who see nothing but the color of a person's skin. Now to lessen the negativity around being a "black man" he is running with an old white guy, Joe Biden. Speaking of old white guys-- Not be outdone by biological and genetic non-factors in this election, John McCain has asked the female Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate on the Presidential ticket. Her estrogen and second place finish in the Miss Alaska Pageant will be the basis for the Sexists to vote either yah or nay to the Republican nominees on election day.
Sexist

Racist

Now the fifth category of voters; those who don't necessarily vote based on Republican, Democrat, Conservative, or Liberal platforms. They are the famed Undecided voters and generally the ones who decide the election. How do they decide? Well that's really the million dollar question. Some of them will undoubtly fall into the Racist and Sexist catagories which have already been mentioned, but this is where it comes down to the candidates themselves; thus the need for a Presidential debate which completely ruins your Thursday night of television. For the Undecided voter they ironically put all the politics aside looking to find a connection with one of the candidates, the one candidate that they believe will do the best job as President of these United States-- they don't really care what party they're in.

I've been an undecided the past two elections 2000 and 2004. I have never voted in the Presidential Election. The reason I didn't vote in 2000 is because I was living abroad, didn't have a US address, didn't follow the Presidential campaigns, and simply didn't bother to register. Out of sight, out of mind, right?! In 2004 I've was yet again undecided. I didn't necessarily want 4 more years of Bush, but I absolutely hated everything about John Kerry. It was like trying to choose what foot to have cut off. So I decided neither and didn't vote. Yeah I could have voted for Nader, but why bother? Express my discontent? I'm doing that now in my blog. Why waste my time, energy, gas, and vote on Nader?

That's a bad attitude, I know-- but I think that there are a great many Undecided voters out there that feel the same way. No candidate or party truly reflects the way they wish to cast their votes. I took a Political Alignment quiz online during the Primaries this year-- it's a quiz that asks you a series of questions and then tells you what candidate best fits your politics and moral stances. Once it was all said and done it matched me with my "best candidate" a 22 percent match. That's it-- 22 percent! That means I disagree with more than 3/4 of what they are saying. No wonder I'm undecided-- there is no candidate for me. Regardless I will be voting this year. Maybe I'll blog and upload pictures about "My First Presidential Vote".
Now, many of you may be saying "Damn Canadian, if you don't like it go back to where's you came from!" To that I say, Canada's political system is not much better and while they have significantly more parties to choose from in an election (ones I do align with better) once one of these parties is elected only about 20 percentage of the population is happy with that result. At least in the U.S. after the election approximately 50 percent of the population believes they got what they wanted. I don't know what the ideal is, but there are some obvious flaws in this American democratic process. I don't know that they are taking suggestions right now to refined or change the way things are done-- but I'd be at least curious to know if anyone else feels as I do.

P.S-- Happy Thanksgiving to all you Canucks and good luck with your election!

Playing with Lego

2008-10-06T11:18:00.007-06:00

I was cleaning out my garage on Saturday and found Lego man (my costume from last year). I say "found", though it's not like he was lost or missing-- he takes up a good portion of the garage. He was apparently very angry to have been locked up in the garage and since our last encounter has developed an insashable earge for blood. He has now taken up an aggressive position on the front porch feeding on stray neighborhood cats, and giving the stink eye to the casual passer-by.

I figure that we can just leave he out there-- dress him up like a Pilgrim for Thanksgiving, Santa Claus for Christmas, and Martin Luther King for Civil Rights Day. I really believe he can be a good year round deterrent against:

Salesmen & Door-to door political campaigning.
Neighborhood pets and children.
Bandits, Robbers, Rapists, Murders, Squaters, Pirates, & other various teenage Riff Raff.
Boy/Girl Scouts, Jehovah Witnesses, & The Mormons.

Shield Your Eyes!

2008-09-24T12:40:00.026-06:00

Many people might not know this about me, but I am a "Trend Setter". I'm not exactly sure when this influential power was granted to me, but needless to say, I have it! Pin pointing the source of a particular trend is no easy task-- some claim it is nearly impossible. Now I'm not saying I am the source of every fad, that would be ludicrous-- I can honestly say I had nothing to do with Leg Warmers or Bomber Jackets. What I am saying however is that I've been at (or close to) the epicenter of a number of trends in the last 15 years or so.

In the early 1990's I began to swap in and out the laces on my Converse High tops to different colors-- depending on my mood or to match other wardrobe. Not long thereafter Doc Marten's became the shoe of choice in which to swap in and out your laces-- mood, other attire, or gang affiliation. I was and couldn't afford Doc Marten's but have always felt that I somehow started that trend. Now some will claim that it was the NBC's American sitcom character Punky Brewster that started the trend in 1984. While I don't deny that she likely played a part in the process-- if I'm not mistaken her shoelaces were different colors only because she was two different color shoes.

Since 1997 I've been wearing dress shirts with rolled sleeves. To that point the only sleeves being rolled were the lumberjack or cowboy's flannel shirts. At the time, you just didn't see it. It was like combining fire and ice-- mixing the rugged man's rolls with the formal white collar, it was in itself a contradiction of style and status but I was not fazed. See I've was the medical community refers to as "scrawny arms syndrome" and by rolling my sleeves I can deceive the eye-- like vertical stripes or wearing black. Regardless the trend has now taken off and is seen here being sported by almost the sexiest man alive.

In 2001 I found an old pair of Aviators (they're a style of sunglasses) in a storage unit, the kind not seen since Tom Cruise's Maverick in Top Gun more than a decade gone by. I began wearing them everyday and had them for nearly two years before they finally broke into a million pieces. I searched any and all stores trying to find an appropriate replacement-- to no avail. I finally settled on a non-Aviator pair; however no more than four months later the Aviator craze was on and turns out Mr. Brad Pitt was invited to the optical party.

Early in 2004 I was in an outlet mall in Vegas and found a belt-- no ordinary belt mind you. It had the most amazing belt buckle accompanying it. A simple steel oval with a rope-patterned border and a large cowboy hat protruding from the center. It was $7. How some Rodeo Superstar had not snatched this up, I will never know. Again I began wearing it everyday and soon thereafter the novelty of hip belt buckles moved from the ranches to mainstream. Coincidence?! I think not.

The reason I'm bringing all this up is because I'm at it again-- this time with goggles. See I've got sensitive eyes-- great for the ladies, not so nice when I'm out in the glaring sun, so I wear sunglasses pretty much all year round. The problem is when I'm indoors or don't need them on I've got nowhere to put them. Top of the head-- you lean back, they fall off, and get scratched. Hook em on your shirt or put 'em in your front pocket-- you lean over to pick something up, they fall out, and get scratched. Put them in a pant pocket-- you forget about them, sit down, and they get crushed. So you put them down somewhere "safe" and you forget about and they're lost forever. Big dilemma! I was replacing my sunglasses every couple months. So now I've finally decided to start wearing goggles instead. They're not swimming goggles-- I'm not sure what they were made for, although I found them in the paintball section it would seem you'd need a full mask to adequately protect your face. Regardless-- they completely eliminate the inconvenience of sunglasses.

(left) You can clearly see how these tinted goggle shield your eyes out enjoy the fresh air and sunshine.
(right) When you just need your hair out of your eyes the goggles double as a stylist headband.(right) Sunglasses falling off your face or out of your shirt pocket is a thing of the past with the goggle strap securing them in place.
(left) And for those time when you decide you don't want to wear eye protection-- the goggles drape conveniently around your neck.

I'm not necessarily trying to sell you on the idea of goggles over sunglasses. Frankly I don't really care either way. I'm just informing you that I am, as stated, a trend setter. Now not all of my adventurous fashion endevours have been successful. I am still human. Need proof? Some of my failed styles include:

The casual, steppin' out on the town Bowling Shoe-- minimal traction, great for those difficult to perform Michael Jackson dance moves.
Ratty, chaffing, wool coats the kind you'd see a homeless man curled up in sitting on the freezing cold steps of an inner-city YMCA.
Overt, conversation-starting fake scars. Yes it's deciteful, but it's a great way to spice up your excitability especially if you're not really all that interesting.

Now I'm not going to guaranteeing that goggles will become part of mainstream fashion, but if they do, now you'll know where it came from.

The Anticipation is Killing Me

2008-09-12T11:37:00.013-06:00

I've been told I'm a "movie snob"-- and that's absolutely not true. I just like good movies! I can enjoy any type of movie as long as it is done well and entertaining. The problem is there is so much crap out there. I often think (and sometimes I say it out loud) "who the hell would put money up for this film?". It kind of makes me hate rich people. But rich people are rich for a reason, right?!

In my mind there are only four reasons why someone would see a film like Beverly Hills Chihuahua:

1) You are a professional critic and you are forced to watch this film.
My heart goes out to you. Hang in there!

2) You or someone you know is in the film or worked on the film and you kind of feel like you have to watch it.
You don't have to! You can, but don't enjoy it out of obligation.

3) You absolutely love dogs, especially Chihuahuas-- and just to see them is all the enjoyment you need to be happy!
I just can not relate to you.

4) You think "it is just a silly movie" and you can just sit there and be entertained without having to think.
What?! That's ludicrous! You and people like you are the reason there are so many bad movies.

I have actually heard people say on numerous occasions, "I just want to be entertained, but I don't want to have to use my brain"-- wish granted, Norbit is now out on Blu-Ray. The real problem with this statement is that it is in itself a contradiction. Entertainment is defined as something that engages interest in an agreeable or desirable manner-- 'interest' means you are using your brain. But this idea of being entertained without thinking is simply a ploy used to get people to see un-entertaining movies.

Humans are very much like water, we go with the flow-- following the path of least resistance. The idea of "entertainment" with "no effort" is inherently appealing and so we are manipulated by it-- like a "weight loss" without diet & exercise. It sounds wonderful "something for nothing" and so you buy that movie ticket, or DVD, and support this imaginary concept allowing the 'rich' to make money off your naivete. And the worst part about it is, you want to believe you're being entertained so you convince yourself you enjoy their crappy movies.

So why would someone with money invest in a a film like Martin Lawrence's College Road Trip? The answer: To keep you poor! See they're getting rich off the people who want to believe it is possible to be entertained without having to use their intellect. By making these awful, mundane, and pointless movies they can ensure that no one will ever truly be inspired, enlightened, or moved to action by their films. That their audiences will look for opportunities to "not think", and therefore never do or create anything, thus ensuring they never become rich.

That was more of a rant than I really wanted it to be. Regardless the originally intent of this post was to mention that I'm actually excited about some upcoming movies that will be in theaters in the next couple weeks.

BURN AFTER READING

Quirky and intriguing characters showcased by some great actors.
The Cohen brother's rarely miss.

RIGHTEOUS KILL

I felt for a long time that a DeNiro/Pacino pairing in a crime drama was overdue, so I'm excited to see what the final product looks like.

NICK AND NORAH'S INFINITE PLAYLIST

I'm still a little wary of this one. I'm afraid it maybe just be attempt at Juno 2. It's an unfair judgement based solely on Michael Cera's presence in the film. We'll see!!

BLINDNESS

Not expecting too much here but an interesting enough premise.

If you've seen any of these by all means post a review.

Let's Talk about Me

2008-09-11T10:03:00.021-06:00

Since I last posted about myself...

... my wife had a lipthotripsy procedure done for Kidney Stones.
... I went down to Lake Powell for a few days with some buddies.
... I began my 13th season as a Fantasy Football manager.
... we finished and furnished our basement.
... I was admittedly ill for the first time in a few years.

And while each of these events is certainly worthy of it's very own post I will only provide the "highlights"-- I should also mention that due to these events (and Labor Day) I have not worked a 5 day work week in nearly 6 weeks-- And let me tell you it is wonderful! I don't know that I'll ever go back! I thought I might "fall behind" in my work, but I haven't-- I'm still just as behind as I've always been.

My wife had a lipthotripsy procedure done for Kidney Stones
This is nearly an annual event-- the Kidney Stone, not necessarily the lipthotripsy. For those of you morons who don't know what lipthotripsy is, it's simply a non-invasive process for breaking up a kidney stone inside the patients body using highly focused impulse shock waves. I've been told the pain is the equivalent of being punched in the kidney about 40 times; of course that is coming from someone who can't take a punch. The best part is that once you're already in pain you get to pass the small fragmented stones. Sounds exciting? It's not-- not really.

I went down to Lake Powell for a few days with some buddies
This was supposed to be a camping trip and it was sort of except for the first night that we ended up staying in a hotel. Yeah I know that's soft, but for the record I was completely against it from the start-- I also slept on the lumpiest part of the floor and didn't take a shower in the morning. We rented a pair of Jet Skis and borrowed my uncle's folding boat. Yes a folding boat! Anyway here are some pictures!

There's the floating boat in all her glory-- carrying every ounce of our camping gear.
Me and my Elton John glasses on a jetski towing our boat to camp.

Camp ended up begin this red rock cave. We couldn't have ask for a better campsite a nice sand to sleep on and a place to park the boat and jetskis. Sat around the fire singing some Bob Marley-- the acoustics were wonderful.

Both Stephen and I caught fish-- by all means draw whatever phallic analogies you want from this photo.
And yes-- I cooked and ate it, Bear Grylls-style. Delish!

I began my 13th season as a Fantasy Football manager
Fantasy Football is really just Dungeons and Dragons for jocks! I'm not really a jock, I've got good coordination, but neither the frame nor mentality to officially be referred to as a "jock". It's comparable to a John Kerry snowboarding--

--not nearly as disastrous as it originally sounded. Anyway I've always watched professional football late 80's early 90's-- I liked the New York Jets and Joe Montana. Being from Toronto I didn't have a "home team" to cheer for and follow, so I just followed the entire league. Eventually a group of older peers started this thing called fantasy football and invited me and a friend of mine to play-- we were 15. The internet was not a prevelant commodity at the time and everything was done in person: drafting, trading, line-up changes, the whole bit. Then you'd buy a Monday morning paper for 25 cents and check your scores against your opponent. Then the internet consumed the world and Fantasy Football took off. Now everyone plays and it's fine-- maybe a little nerdy-- but I was nerdy before everyone else-- and that somehow makes me less nerdy.

We finished and furnished our basement
This was originally just going to be a play room for kids-- and it is still, kind of-- we just expanded of our original vision to include big kids, like myself. My wife posted some picture of her blog. Check it out! It is a "pretty sweet set up".

I was admittedly ill for the first time in a few years
I don't get sick! So for me to actually be ill is quite unusual. I get the occasional headache, but nothing a large Coca-Cola Classic can not fix. I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't get sick-- I haven't. I'm convinced that's why I had perfect attendance in 4th grade. Mind over matter. I also refuse to take perscription drugs, pain killers, etc. See I'm stockpiling natural anti-bodies, so that eventually I will become invincible to sicknesses like the flu, common cold, etc. There is no need to post a comment that I'm crazy-- I've been told. But after the global nuclear hallocaust we'll see who's laughing-- me and the cochroaches that's who!

(imagine that's "post-apocalyptic" me walking out of earth's barren wastelands)

Follow Up Post

2008-09-09T16:51:00.006-06:00

A while back I made a post regarding my feelings towards ventiloquism. Anyway I felt this comment was worthy of rebutal in it's own topic. The following was sent in by Mean John Dean-- it's probably just John Dean and the "Mean" is a sort of a nickname-- and I'm not sure that it fits, to be honest I doubt he is all that mean. Anyway John writes:

Ventriloquism is an art form that is part of the art form of puppetry, as are hand puppets like the Muppets. Why would you differentiate between any of them in negative pros? All take a certain amount of talent, manipulation being the tie that binds them but ventriloquism requires the performer to make it appear, though manipulation, ventriloquism and misdirection that the figure stands alone while before the eyes of the audience. This by far the more difficult form, what people find creepy about ventriloquist figures, we don’t call them dummies, is the large eyes and wide mouths but these were necessary when it was performed on stage and has become a tradition. Many vents are now using soft figures that have a less shocking appearance. I guess what I am asking is that you don’t indulge in vent bashing without making an attempt to learn the amount of discipline and talent that is required to make such a performance. Then remember even if your technically proficient you either have to be funny or have some other talent to showcase as well.

Mean John Dean
President
Florida Ventriloquist Association

Thanks for the comment John. I'm not denying the talent involved in ventriloquism. It certainly is a talent-- I'm just saying that that talent is creepy. To me there is simply something unnatural about talking without moving your mouth. And while I know the reason for the large eyes and wide mouths on the "figures"-- it is still creepy. And because I don't like it-- I will speak negatively about it. And I would fully expect you as President of the Florida Ventriloquist Association to defend it. Which you did-- speaking up for those would can't speak for themselves-- Get it! That's a little ventriloquist joke for you, you're welcome to use it if you'd like. But as a friendly gesture to you I'll lovingly include a link on my sidebar to your blog , which I deem "one of the creepiest blogs I've seen", that way I can direct interested traffic to you so you may possible convince otherwise.

Cheers,

Utah-- Is This The Place?

2008-07-16T09:53:00.019-06:00

I think it is about time I made this post. I've lived in Utah for nearly 8 years now-- so I pretty much know everything there is to know about Utah. Simply put this post will be a list of Pros and Cons to living in the Beehive state-- it will no doubt be a worthy resource for local real estate agents, the various tourism bureaus, and those of you considering making the jump to The Promised Land.

Scenery: Pro-- See, now, you might think that having Scenery as a category is just me being charitable, but it's not-- I'm never charitable. I admit scenery is kind of corny unless you're making a film-- a film that requires locations like towering snow covered mountains, a dry arid desert, and a bustling downtown city center. Not so corny, now is it Mr. Spielberg? Furthermore-- that scenery can be visited up close and personal for you outdoorsy types.

Greatest Snow on Earth: Con-- I don't particularly like snow. Sure it looks nice up on the mountains, but as far as "Greatest Snow", I'd like to know who decides that? The World Government with it's Snow Lobbyist? I highly doubt the snow from Antarctica or Outer Siberia were fairly represented. Frankly I prefer the kind of snow that doesn't make my front porch slippery, tastes like powdered sugar, and comes in small dime bags from Adam's Avenue in Ogden.

Family Oriented Communities: Pro-- There are parks-- and not the kind of park where you buy drugs (those exist but are generally outside residential areas). These parks are actually for kids-- you don't see teenager loitering around swings or homeless people taking shelter under the slides.

The Nightly Curfew: Con-- Every now and then I just want a pizza to be delivered to my house at 2 in the morning. I don't know that it is written law, but Utah seems to have strict curfew-- often defined as the moment the Holy Spirit goes to bed. Then the Devil takes over. The only places open past 10 pm are already well under the control of the Devil-- bars, night clubs, and Wal-mart.

Sundance Film Festival: Pro-- One of the best "independent" film festivals in the world. Granted it has progressively become more "Hollywood" in the last few years, but I maintain it is an amazing festival and easily one of the top perks of living in Utah. This past year I was able to see In Bruge, Smart People, and The Wackness (along others) 9 months ahead of the general viewing public.

(IN BRUGES--Good Film 4.5 Stars)

As a local you can easily get affordable tickets to almost any movie screening at the festival (without waiting in 2-3 lines)-- yes that's one of the perk of being a resident. Take that Mister hot shot from New York City-- flying in every year wearing your furry boots and that 7 foot silk scarf!

The Mormons: Con-- Before you get all up in arms, hear me out. Not all members of the LDS faith are "Mormons". This is a select group of individuals I define as Mormons. A Mormon is someone that wears the LDS religion like a tiara or crowd of superiority. Someone who is personally offended by your facial hair, your diet coke, or your choice of music. Mormons are the ugly side of the LDS faith-- like the Taliban to Islam or The Catholics to Christianity.

Friendly Neighbors: Pro-- You will find most Utahans to be quite pleasant, genuine, and helpful. Housing units, neighborhoods, and sometimes entire cities are willing to offer support and caring on a level rivaled only by Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're not already a member of the LDS faith the friendliness is earnestly intensified in order to convert you. Ride that gravy train as long as you can.

Overt LDS Commercialism: Con-- This is truly a pet peeve of mine in Utah. I hate when local businesses will try to differentiate themselves from their competitors by "Going All Godly". A good example of this is CleanFlix, which was essentially a Blockbuster video with edited Hollywood movies specifically for their LDS audience. Other perpetrators include: Zion's Bank (give me a break, when Zion returns to the earth there won't be any banks), Smith's Food & Drugs (obviously a reference the LDS prophet and founder Joseph Smith Jr.), Desseret Book (carries only "Uplifting Books"-- whatever that means), Living Scripture (a series of ridiculously over priced DVD movies based on Scriptural stories for children-- these guys are bad news).

Multi-Cultural: Pro-- Now it's nothing in comparison to say a Toronto or New York, but Utah is pretty eclectic. The main reason behind this phenomenon is LDS missionaries travelling the world around living and absorbing these cultures and then returning home to attend BYU (or U of U if you're not as righteous). This also contributes to a host of authentic restaurants, unique foods, and dinning experiences. In some circumstances the missionaries will not only bring back the culture but the women as well. Also the efforts of missionary work bring LDS converts from these countries to Utah a.k.a. Zion-- getting a head start on the Millennial migration.

The Osmonds: Con-- It is a simple and sad fact-- but The Osmonds (notably Donnie and Marie) are the most widely recognized individuals to come from Utah-- and frankly it's a big problem. The Osmonds are worshipped like golden calves in Utah. It's gotten to the point where if your last name happens to be Osmond and you bear any resemblance to any member of the original Osmond group you are qualified to publically sing and dance at any/all of the following functions: Sporting Events, Parades, Sacrament Meetings (Baby Blessings and Farewells), Rodeos, Multi-Level Marketing Annual Conventions. I am not even kidding-- for the 4th I attended a soccer match followed by a fireworks show-- the pre-show was sung by an Osmond-- I have no idea which one because he was announced to the crowd only as "An Osmond". I felt sorry for him-- and the rest of us.

So there you have it! This is The Place. One fourth of the famed 4 Corners. The Wild Wild West of the movies. The Home of Fry Sauce, Funeral Potatoes, and Jell-O Salad. Utah-- Where the mighty Seagulls patrol the sky.

Halloween 2.0

2008-06-19T16:12:00.003-06:00

Here a late addition to the possible Halloween costumes.

The monster from Pan's Labyrinth.

I'm not sure if it is realistically possible-- but I thinks it's pretty cool!

Life Update

2008-06-18T15:38:00.010-06:00

The missus and I took little Jefferson to the zoo a few weeks ago. We spent an average of 10-15 second in front of each animal exhibit and the rest of the time riding (or standing in line to ride) the new animal carousel.

(notice Andrea's cute new haircut)

The zoo is always so deceivingly disappointing. You go to the zoo thinking you're gonna see some wild animals like on a safari and it always falls short. The animals are asleep or they're too far away from the glass of the enclosure to get a good visual. So you decide not to go to the zoo again for awhile. But then you go home and start watching Animal Planet or Wild Kingdom and then you start thinking "I haven't been to the zoo in awhile. I should go to the zoo. The zoo is awesome." And the cycle repeats itself. Just once I'd like to go to the zoo and see (not experience) something awesome-- something wildly crazy or memorable. Oh well!

Next Topic

I just finished filming on a feature film entitled Samantha D.-- or as it is referred to on imdb S. Darko-- a follow-up to the Donnie Darko cult classic-- not High School Musical 3. Despite the popular rumors, I am not in High School Musical 2 or 3. I don't do sequels! To be perfectly truthful I don't know why I was even cast in the first one-- I don't dance or sing-- and my dialog certainly didn't require the greatest of acting ability; I'm not complaining because I certain enjoy the residual checks whenever they show up. Anyway Samantha D. was a fun project to work on. Should you come across this film in the dark recesses of a Blockbuster or Hollywood video in the near future-- pick it up and at least brush the dust off it. In all honesty I can't decide how this film will be received. I don't think that it really betray the Donnie Darko "model" and stylistically should be pretty similar; however fans of the original film also strike me as a group that will be moral opposed to the film simply because it is "Donnie Darko 2". Oh well!

Next Topic

I've been play a ton of soccer lately. I played a bit when I lived in Europe. Now that I'm working so closely with our local Major League Soccer club Real Salt Lake, myself and a number of co-worker have managed to put together a couple teams and we play every Tuesday and Thursday morning at 6 a.m. Believe it or not it's pretty fun! And it's probably good exercise-- all the running and what not. My brain simply refuses to allow me think I'm older than 18 years old, so of course my whole body is sore now all the time. To date I've had an MCL micro-tear in my left knee, bruised ribs (twice), and now my ankles feel I've been caught stealing from the Kimberly diamond mines. Oh well!

It's a Disease

2008-05-29T10:09:00.008-06:00

So I was watching What it Takes on Reelz channel the other day-- for those of you not familiar with the program, each episode is essentially the biography of an actor's life and how they got to where they are today. This particular episode was about Billy Bob Thorton-- I think, anyway it doesn't matter. Some of the episodes are mildly interesting, but there are two things that kind of make me crazy.
1. Every episode ends with some writer from Variety or People Magazine or Entertainment Weekly saying, "[insert name here] is one of the most acclaimed actors in the business"-- Of course they are! That's why you're doing an entire show about them! I know it's a silly little thing, but it makes me nuts.
2. Someone almost without fail will make mention to "The Acting Bug". I don't know where that expression came from (even Wikipedia doesn't know)-- but it sounds awful. It sounds like a disease! Usually the reference is followed by "...then they dropped out of school", "...quit their stable and secure job", "...abandoned any semblance of being a responsible adult"; all because they were bitten by that damned Acting Bug. I kid you not-- it is an epidemic! Thousands and thousands of people: Men, women, and children (sometimes even pets) are bitten by the Acting Bug each year and seemingly begin to throw their lives away to feed the disease. Sadly only a small fraction achieve their own episode on What It Takes; while the others struggle to hold down a steady job. Yet there are some who manage to suppress nearly all the urges-- only to become wildly animated about poor acting in films and television shows, thinking deep down they could have done a better if only they were given a shot. The Acting Bug is a Home-Wrecker, a Career-Killer, a Rebel without a Cause! Stay away, because it will seriously mess you up!

The following is an artists rendition of Thespious Insectas. Common name: Acting Bug.
It can be identified by it's colorful beret and scarf. It is thought to live in dark places-- frequently found on the black curtains of high school theatre stages. Those who encounter this menacing creature should back away slowly, making themselves look as uncultured as possible. If bitten, rinse the area immediately with soap and warm water, avoid auditoriums and movie theatre for at least 48 hours, and promptly join a sports team or club. Thank you.

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

2008-05-08T14:44:00.016-06:00

Okay so I'm starting to figure out this whole blog thing-- not in the sense that I'm necessarily becoming a 'good blogger', but rather that I'm slowly coming to understand how to customize my blogs appearance. Part of that process has led me to the ominous task of creating an author's profile; a series of questions highlighting the things I like. Really who cares about what you like-- "Oh he likes movies... I like movies... we have so much in common"-- it's not true! I know tons of people who like movies, or sports, or sushi that I absolutely detest with the most profound part of my being. A list of things that you have a passionate hatred for seems like far better a barometer of capability-- it is certainly more informative, and definitely more entertaining than a list of all the things I like. So rather than complete my profile questionnaire, I will provide a brief list of things I hate (in no particular order).

Mint-- Too say, "I don't like mint" would be a monumental understatement. I hate mint-- like it killed my dog-- hate mint! Now mint come from Mentha a plant genus with 25 species (thank you Wikipedia). I have nothing against mint (the plant), but I do have a serious beef with mint (the flavor). It's not enough that it tastes awful, but it has to go and ruin perfectly good things like ice cream, candy, and even chocolate. Is nothing sacred to you, Mint?! I think mint and I could co-exist quite peaceably if it weren't for the fact that it corrupts so many things that I do enjoy-- like a rogue mercenary poisoning my drinking water. I hate that it disguises itself so well-- like a sheep in wolves clothing. It is so hard to completely avoid. Believe me I try and still at least once or twice a year I'm amazed to find I have something 'mint' in my mouth and my fiery hatred for this ungodly taste is rekindled yet again-- growing gradually with each unprovoked encounter. Damn you, Mint. Damn you.

Laugh Tracks-- I am appalled by laugh tracks. While the ridiculously overt laughing is certainly annoying, it is the blatant, slap in the face, you're too stupid to know when to laugh insult that really boils my kettle. I don't need a cue to know when to laugh-- I'll laugh when it's damn well funny. I know what you're thinking, Laugh Track-- you think you can peer pressure me into laughing, "Everyone else is laughing". Don't try and make me question my sense of humor because you can't write a funny sitcom-- YES! I'm talking to you Jezebel James (shame on you Parker Posey!). How dare you insult your viewers with a laugh track?! Laugh Track, you take something so pure and jovial; the essence of human enjoyment and you taint it with offensive and presumptuous artificial emotion. You're just as bad as Mint!

Bumper Stickers-- Not just bumper stickers, this includes window "art" and other such non-sensical tomfoolery. First of all-- bumper stickers. What I don't think people realize is that putting a bumper sticker on your car is like getting a tattoo on your forehead. In general, I have no problem with tattooing because for the most part it will be covered, seen primarily by oneself and/or intimate friends. A bumper sticker however is not for your own enjoyment but rather a very literal label you're applying to yourself, so others know what to think of you.For example this person is a Democrat, likes camping, and very possibly smells like patchouli. Now this assumption may be completely inaccurate, but what other information do I have to go on? This persons intention may have only been to encourage the support of the Alaskan fishing industry, but unbeknownst to them they're bumper sticker has provided this additional (and quite possibly inaccurate) information about them. Bumper Stickers are backstabbers! They've totally got your back when it comes to fishing the wild salmon, but then promotes negative stereotypes about your character behind your back (literally).

Republican Jarhead!

Out of touch!

Bitch!

Yes! You absolutely are!

Catholic! No wait-- that church is already cold and dead. Christian!

By having a bumper sticker that says, "My other car is the Starship Enterprise" you're telling the world-- You're a dork! And that's okay if you are, but you're probably not just a dork. And therein lays my hatred for the bumper sticker. No one looks at the Calvin peeing on your truck window and thinks, "There's a reputable member of society."-- even though you may very well be one. They think you’re a jagweed: an idiotic, meathead who can't spell. I'm sorry I know you were just trying to be playful, but it's true. Bumper stickers tarnish good people's reputations every day. Remove the label. Boycott bumper stickers!

[sigh] Thank you!

Cinco de Mayo?

2008-05-06T10:52:00.001-06:00

I'm not exactly sure when or even how the May 5th holiday "Cinco de Mayo" became Cinco de Mustache-- and frankly don't I really care. Having been born and raised in Canada, I am about as far removed from the Cinco de Mayo culture as humanly possible. What do you even do on Cinco de Mayo? I don't know-- but I can tell you want you do on Cinco de Mustache: You grow a mustache!
Here's how it work. Don't shave during the month of April, then on May 5th trim back the facial forest revealing your Cinco de Mustache. Now for those of you who may be facial hair impaired, like myself, you may want to consider getting started on your stache a few weeks sooner. Then you and all the members of your mustache posse go out to lunch/dinner at a crappy little mexican resturant. Avoid crowded places with children like parks, middle schools, and McDonald's playlands.

Happy Cinco de Mustache! See ya next year!

Halloween

2008-04-16T12:20:00.004-06:00

I know it is more than 6 months away, but I'm still thinking about it. Halloween is in my top 5 best days of the year pretty consistently. Sometimes it's even #1. I love Halloween because everyone is expected to be at least a little ridiculous. For someone like me who may be perceived as slightly bizarre every other day of the year, it sort of levels the playing field. It's a holiday that compels a vast majority of the popular to relax, take off the masks they tote around every other day, and put of different ones-- fun ones. I particularly like the office environment on Halloween. There is just something magical about seeing that bitch from accounting dress up like Paris Hilton. I also love going over to the IT department and seeing the wide variety of Storm Trooper and Klingon costumes purchased online-- and then there is that one guy who's Bubba Fet every year because he bought the costume in 1984 for $1,500 and needs to find every opportunity to don it outside of the annual Star Wars convention. I've never had a store bought costume, not that I wouldn't have loved to have one, my family growing-up just wouldn't spend money on that sort of thing. My mom would either make my costume or I would have to wear a "costume of convenience". In both cases, the result was occasionally embarrassing. I've since embraced this entrepreneurial spirit when it comes to the costume making experience and think I've really found my groove over the past couple years.In 2005 I was Edward Scissorhands. I had just completed a Stage Make-up course and was feeling confident in my ability to create puddy scars on my face. Then it was just a matter of hitting up the local thrift store for some baggy grey pants and suspenders. I can't seem to find any pictures right now but I'll post 'em once I can track some down.

The following year I was significantly more ambitious-- I wanted to be Count Olaf from A Series of Unfortunate Events. I bought a bald cap and super-glued lengths of grey hair to the side and styled it. My mother-in-law made the black coat out of a fat black corduroy. It is by far the coolest thing about the costume and I've been trying to find a way in which I can wear it again without aligning myself to those socially retarded trench coat kids. I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to start 'putting on my face'. I puddied an extension on my nose, applied make-up, fake eyebrows, and a beard. The end result of the costume I wasn't particularly that excited about. As the day wore on the bald cap proved a challenge. It was uncomfortable, hot and sweaty, and eventually began to peel up. The extra effort the morning of Halloween made it a stressful beginning to the day.

Last year I change my direction totally-- abandoned the make-up and thrift store outing in favor of making a giant Lego Man Mini-Fig dressed as a Real Salt Lake soccer player.

I made the whole thing out of bristle board, Styrofoam, and duct tape-- it cost only about $27, but had over 30 hours of labor invested in it. It was bulky and almost impossible to move in. I actually had to borrow my sister Durrango in order to get my costume to and from work and various Halloween parties-- but I think it is my best Halloween costume to date. I've already begun narrowing down my 2008 costume options.

Lego Man again? I figured I could just change the Lego Man's outfit-- maybe an astronaut or a professional wrestler. It seems like a capout. Beside I think my sister wants to wear that costume this year as payment for me having to use her vehicle last Halloween.

Sweeney Todd? I can't bring myself to be another Johnny Depp character-- it's unhealthy I think.

Neo from the Matrix? Not a chance in hell. The only reason I even considered it was so that I could wear that cool coat again.

Woody? Yeah from Toy Story and Toy Story II-- My kid is obsessed with Buzz Lightyear, in fact he was Buzz for Halloween last year. I was thinking I could be Woody and he could be Buzz, the whole theme costume thing, but then he would have to be the same thing as he was last year for that to work and I can't just ask him to do that for me. One of the best things about Halloween is changing your costume year to year. Maybe I can convince him to wear a small purple hat and an apron and he could be Mrs. Nesbit.

RichieTenenbaum? This would be a pretty easy costume to pull off. In fact, I think I already have the camel sports coat and headband. Maybe if I'm feeling lazy.

The Joker? With Heath Leger's passing maybe this choice is in poor taste. But I love Christopher Nolan's visual interpretation of this classic villain and I'm pretty sure I can pull it off. We'll see.

I'M SO EXCITED!!!

Ventriloquism vs. Puppetry

2008-03-30T12:17:00.001-06:00

After re-reading my first post I've come to realize that I've unintentionally aligned myself with the terribly creepy world of ventriloquism. I am an actor who happened to like puppetry as a child. I have no intention of combining these two worlds. To clarify I do not, nor have I, nor will I ever of my own free will perform as a ventriloquist. I suppose the true intent of this post is to clarify the difference between ventriloquism and puppetry and my feelings towards them. I guess the only real difference is that the puppeteer is hidden during performance and a ventriloquist is a part of the show. I may go so far as to say that ventriloquism is the prima donna's puppetry. And while I have respect for both, if I'm perfectly honest I think there is something truly unnatural about ventriloquism. The best way I can think to decribe it is to compare it to the 40 year old woman, who still lives home, in her same childhood bedroom with stuffed animals and doll layed out across a pink laced bedspread. As I'm writing this; however I'm thinking that this could be a good movie. A love story between the ventriloquist and this 40 woman: they meet, fall in love-- like a creepier version of Benny and Joon. Or I guess it could be suspense horror as the audience anxiously watches to see which one will chop the other one up into little bits and slowly feed them to the neighborhood cats.

In the Beginning

2008-03-27T14:58:00.003-06:00

I few months back I was asked to write a brief "getting to know you" biography for the monthly newsletter at work. It seemed highly unnecessary, regardless this is what I wrote:

"Ryan Templeman: A Brief History

February 21st, the year of our Lord 1980 at 2:00am: It was chilly Tuesday night in Toronto when Ryan Delmar Templeman was born; tipping the scales at 8 pounds 4 ounces. As with most infants, Ryan quickly mastered the life essentials of sleeping, eating, and just laying around. As he progress into childhood, his intellectual development was principally administered by the public education system, accompanied by a health dose of cable television; primarily The Muppet Show. It was during this time in his life that Ryan decided he wanted to be an actor; his ultimate goal was to eventually be the celebrity host for The Muppet Show, following in the footsteps of other comic actors like Peter Sellars, Steve Martin, and Vincent Price (actually he wasn't very funny at all). Sadly this goal would never be realized as unbeknownst to the seven year Ryan, The Muppet Show had been cancelled 6 years prior. Blissful in his ignorance, he pursued his now unattainable goal. Due to the amazing (though seemingly undocumented) time warp between Canada and the United States , The Muppet Show continued to run until 1991. Ryan was twelve years old by the time the news of The Muppet Show’s cancellation was fully unfolded before him. It was a dark and lonely time. For the next several years Ryan began leading a meaningless life. Moving from place to place, with no direction, and no ambition (not entirely The Muppet Show’s fault, but was definitely the primary instigator). During his high school years he had 8 different places of residence (one being a white 1990 Plymouth Voyager), and attending 3 different high schools. He eventually ended up in Utah in 2001, where he met and married his wife Andrea and had a child, Jefferson Delmar in 2005. In his spare time, Ryan continues to act, recently appearing in High School Musical, Dadnapped, Deep Winter, and 'amazingly' popular local Truth campaign commercials. He is driven by the improbable hope that one day The Muppet Show will be resurrected for one final episode hosted by Ryan Delmar Templeman."

So there it is-- I'm a daydreaming prepubescent 15 year old trapped in a 28 year-old's body. I'm married, have a kid, live in a house, and when I'm not busy with a job I pursue my career in acting and also do a little screenwriting on the side. Currently I'm growing out my patchy facial hair in a despirate attempt to look more like Jim Henson. Although I have been telling people at work I'm not going to shave or cut my hair until a Canadian team wins the Stanley Cup. It's been 14 years, we're about due.